


Reminiscent

by Truffle_Giraffe



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 04:13:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 58,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3881839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Truffle_Giraffe/pseuds/Truffle_Giraffe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m trivial. I've always believed I’m trivial. But he says that’s not true. He says I’m a lot more than trivial. He says I’ll always be more to him. He told me I’m his first of safe and risks. He told me I’m his first in his mind which shouts important and unnecessary recollections. He told me I’m his first of anything but trivial. And I can't help but wanting to believe him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When I First Met You

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: A book and a film. The origin of ideas for this new work. I hope the mistakes aren't too disturbing and this is my first love story (kind of) in a not so well condition so go easy on me. Flames are strongly resented and kind thoughts are more than welcome. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 1: When I First Met You

My name is Alec. My parents call me Alexander. I am the eldest of four siblings named Jace, Isabelle and Maxwell. Jace was adopted when I was ten. I've been bothering the earth with my existence for approximately twelve years, three days and twenty hours.

We live in Manhattan among other normal people on earth who think that having a perfect family is part of a virtue. My parents are loaded, lawyers. My brother and sister are talented at first glance. My baby brother is adorable. I'm a nuisance.

Relatives, cousins, colleagues and higher supervisors look up to my family. They say we have the best element for future household of good exemplars. They didn't know what goes wrong in the house. Or what is wrong in me. Every time, they told me I was a good boy- a kind older brother and will grow up to be a nice man. Every time, I told them thank you and gave them a small nod. Like a well-mannered man should be.

But tonight isn't the place for me to care of anything. My parents are going out for some business party and they're taking Max along. Jace went for a camp and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. Isabelle has a sleep over at her best friend's house, Clary; a nice redheaded who seem to always annoys me with her innocence.

I'm left alone to entertain my flu and a small fever that has been tormenting me for two days, or so I thought until my mother said,

"You behave when you're babysitter is here." Her words were like commands I'm used to hear when I'm still in her wombs. I said,

"I will." She gave me a curt smile.

"If you're sick, tell him to call me or your father. I'll give him the number."  _Him?_  I nod, sniffing and wiping my nose with my forearm when I was sure my mother wasn't looking. I stay in my room for an hour until I hear the doorbell rings and the sound erupt like a sudden explosion in the mist of mute. The front door clicks open and I hear a boy's voice talking with my mother. I walk quietly to the stairs and peek and I saw my parents and Max walking out the door and then it closes, a caramel skin hand gripping the handle.

Before I can let the image of the teenage boy-presumably not more than ten years older than I am-forms on my functioning hard drives I call memory, I walk down the remaining steps and stand right in front him.

"What's your name?" I ask, politely and curiously.

He turns around and I was a perfect mannequin; frozen and stupefied. Standing taller than I am is a boy with black hair, unique eye colours and a lazy smile. I don't know whether my jaw is slack or my teeth are rotten but I stammer for unknown reasons until I felt that familiar cherry blossoms. Cherry blossoms that comes out only when I look at Jace or other boys. Cherry blossoms that spread petals of doubts into my soul and make me tries so hard to be a normal boy.

"Magnus. Magnus Bane." He says. "And you must be Alexander." His tongue does something when he drawls out my name and I feel the blossoms grow in numbers and I can't breathe.

"It's just Alec." I try scowling and I don't know whether it works. I was about to say something else to him-to try and kill all the flying petals or maybe just suffocate them when he waves his hand limply at me and walks over to the TV room.

I hear him say, "Go to bed, kid. Your mom says you're sick and I don't want to get infected."

I know I should respond to him, snap back or even just growl but I can't. Something in me, strong and solid prevents me from doing it. So I walk back to my room and slid under the blanket, in hopes of attempting to sleep with a stuffed nose and the building pounding in my head. Not once I imagine that I will wake up to the sound of something rummaging in my parents' bedroom. Theirs are next to mine.

My eyes are blurry and my head feels heavy but I force my feet to keep walking and when I see the small opening from my parents' door, I know it shouldn't be. It's too early and I've only slept for fifteen minutes. I push the door open and I see my babysitter going through the drawers. My small voice finds its pitch and I speak,

"What are you doing?" His head turns around so quickly and I feel the petals came to life. "Are you stealing my parents' belongings?" I ask, stepping forward into the room and getting a clearer view of him.

A strong sigh is what I get. "You were supposed to be sleeping."

A hundred of fluttering and I can't shut my eyes. The moon hits him like angel when he's precisely the opposite. "I can hear you from my room."

"Jeez." He smirks. "A big house and thin walls? What, cements aren't good for your health?"

I successfully drives all the petals back into the pit and I swallow, feeling the sore in my throats that I know will rob me from my voice the very next morning.

"You need to leave." I say in my small voice, straightening my posture and showing him my braver side. My lips part and words are ready to pour out but he's faster in my current state.

"I can't. I'm babysitting you, remember?" He asks and I know he takes me lightly as a kid.

"How old are you?" I ask in the same manner and I see confusion and surprise binds his silhouette.

"Nineteen." He answers me.

"That makes us seven years apart." I tell him and he look even more confuse.

"You're twelve?" His eyes travel all over me and I'm drowning. "You look kinda small for your age."

I stick out my chin and I fist my hands. "But I can still fight you."

He quirk an eyebrow. "Why would you want to fight me?"

"You're stealing things and you won't leave. I have no other choice." He laughs at my words and step closer to me. I gulp and press my fingernails harder onto my palms. I hope they won't bleed.

"You're a different one." My face hardens and I feel repulses cracking onto me like current waves hitting only my central nerves and my head splits. I double over and hit the floor knees first.

"Hey." His voice, shock and scare are similarly lifting to my ears. "What's wrong? Do I need to call your mom or get your meds?"

He crouch in front me and I grab my head and place it in my hands. My fingers wrap around the amount of hair I could get and I hope he doesn't see me pulling them. My eyes are close and I see white rods forming.

Words pour out faster from my mouth this time; disorientated and too mumbled to understand and he's silent next to me. The only sounds are my harsh breathing and choking noise from my throats. I gasp and land flat on my bottom. My head is still down and I try to breath.

"Hey, kid." He calls me. I can't look at him. I'm so tiny and small again.

"Hey Alec." I don't realize which is more painful; his voice saying my name or the stretch in my chest.

I look up through teary eyes and I see adolescence. He's young and I'm just a boy. I see his hand reach for mine and I recoil faster than a snail. I stand up, shaking and spinning and seeing the wooden floor again when his hands wrap around my small body and I am in his arms. He takes me out from the room and closes the door behind him. My head is on his chest and I feel his heart beats, one two three and I try to follow. I learn how to breathe in again through his lungs.

He goes into my room and he lay me down gently on the bed. He pulls the blanket up and I lost my count. I held in my breath until I see him turn away and I catch his sleeve.

"Don't go." I wheeze. I'm twelve again.

"Alright." He climbs and lay down next to me, his slim frame barely occupying the small furniture. There is nothing between us except for the fifteen metres wall I build in my head. I try to remember how to inhale and I focus only on that-never once glancing to the figure next me.

"Are you alright?" His voice pierces the room and I've never felt such exposure. I manage a small nod and he sees it.

"What happened?" He asks and I blink so many times my eyelids are none-existent. I stay silent, wishing he would be mute as well but I dread for the melody.

"You're not going to tell me?"

"What were you doing in my parents' room?" I ask quickly in whisper.

I felt him shrug. "Stealing."

"But that's illegal." I say, turning slightly just to catch a glimpse of his eyes.

"I know." He replies. His eyes catch mine and I don't look away. I'm breathing and I'm looking at him.

"Then why do you do it?" He lets out a small chuckle.

"You won't tell me what happened so I won't tell you. Fair enough, right?" He's not asking, I can hear it in his voice but I keep on talking just to hear him speak.

"My parents' will pay you. You can ask more and I'll tell them you did a great job."

"You'll lie for me?" I want to tell him that I would do anything for him but I'm only twelve. I keep staring at him.

"That's illegal." He says dramatically and I fail to hide a smile.

"Go to sleep. You won't know I'm here." But I want to feel you right here. I look down and lean onto the pillow that we share. His hair is so close to my face I can feel him just by sentient. My hands are limp by my side and they look so small, so weak next to his and I want him to hold them.

Something must've gone wrong during the episode I had because now I feel bolder. I'm unrestraint and a free nightingale. I want to sing and keep my mouth sealed at the same time. I want to tell him that he has taken something else from this house the moment he walks in. I want to tell him that he's a robber and I'm his victim but I'm only twelve and his nineteen and maybe already have someone else.

"Sleep." He repeats and I close my eyes for how long I do not know. I listen to his breathing even out and I dare myself to peep at him. He's sleeping and his eyes are close and his lips look soft and his face is beautiful. Gorgeous and dangerous.

I'm a boy, I know that and I can't explain the way I feel. I don't know why but I'm drawn to him.

"Magnus?" My lips form his name like a sacred whisper. He doesn't move or wake up and I get bolder. I move closer to him and I kiss him quickly on the cheek, just below his cheekbone and his hidden dimple. Time still moves and I pressed my lips to his. Five seconds of rippling ache, five seconds of heartbreakingly unmusical and five seconds of desperation longing. Five seconds that feels nothing and everything to me.

I smile when I pull away from him and I hear him hum in response. This night I met Magnus Bane. And I gave him my first kiss.


	2. Four Years and a Second Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The title of the chapter says it all. Please let me know what you think and if you have any fun ideas (in the sense of angst) for the couple, let me know in the comment and I'll try to write it.
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 2: Four Years and a Second Meeting

I walk considerately close to my brother and I try faking the revolt in me every time I think I can touch him. Every time, I think I can make him look at me, like really look into me and every time I shut myself down and fasten the chains that has kept me bound for sixteen years.

"I'm in the mood for ice cream. What say you?" He nudges my elbow and I suppress a flinch. I adverts my eyes somewhere else, somewhere where there is no sight of golden and light and pastel and bleached and yellow and blond. Jace is a year younger but many ages more beautiful than I could ask to be. He is now the family's prime face and I've become the solid, dark, frail-looking but potent backbone-invisible.

"We're already late for the reception." I tell him. My fingers keep pulling on the sleeves and buttons and I squirm in my black suit. Jace look refine, as impossible as that may sound in his clothing. The white collar, nicely folded brings out his young jawline and the lapel on his jacket make his chest looks sturdy. He is ever so handsome and I am everything but.

"Mom and dad are already there." Says a voice from in front us and I remember Isabelle strolling along in her dress, red and crimson and alluring for her age. Her black hair now long passes her shoulders are elegantly pin in places and curls bounces when she walks. Her bangs are nicely smooth by her temple and she looks no less than the Isabelle I grow up with.

"Oh come on, you two. It's not like we get to go to Brooklyn always." Jace whine from my side. "Apart from you, Alec and I rarely leaves the house."

She snorts and I frown. "Yeah right. I only ever go to Clary's place and all I see is her house and the night sky. Will you guys walk faster?" She urges us and I can't help but smile at the slight resemblance with our mother.

"She's at the wedding as well, right?" Jace sounds eager and I felt a splinter in my bones. Isabelle nods and the splinter goes deeper when Jace smiles gleefully.

"We're here." We stop in front a big looking house that has a BRM symbols on the outside, on the windows top and on the small roof that leads the entrance. "Bay Ridge Manor."

All three of us walk inside and I see creamy white and sepia tones draping the stairs and followed by limestone wood flooring matching the grey and brown washed furniture, accenting the whole space with sophistication and polished gatherings. The high vaulted ceilings are glistening with bright white chandeliers and everyone under it looks holy. Everyone but me.

We spot our parents and walk over to their table, joining the Penhallows and Blackthorns-who are our most valuable and pretentious connections-around the cutleries. They have children but they do not have one like Jace or Isabelle. Max is still blossoming in his own attractiveness. Mother did not want him to come along just yet and he stays at home with his babysitter. The word makes me gulp memories.

"There you are." My mother says in her sweet and loving tone and she squeezes my hand under the table and my father glares a small nod. The mistake is uncourtly mine.

I clear my throat silently and I speak as polite as ever,

"Forgive us for our delay. We mean no disrespect but the transports are not in my power to predict." Words from a trained-sixteen-years-old doll.

Father smiles a small unhappiness. "We'll talk about it at home. What were you saying, Jia?" He turns his head around and everyone else does and I'm glad that it's Isabelle sitting next to me as she grab my other hand and gives me a worrying look. I blink once at her and I look at the elders. It's easy to dismiss rather than to divulge.

The reception goes like any other receptions I've attended and I see people smiling and some crying and some just holding the person next them closer, never letting them slip away. And I want and despise it at the same time. I want to be touched but I'm untouchable. I long to feel but I am just a piece of sandpaper, too rough for sense and too dull for attention.

People are getting up to dance on the empty spot and my parents move away to meet other 'invaluable' associates. Jace is talking to a redhead and I'm glued to my chair, sixteen years older. Isabelle has long gone in the crowds, giving them the pleasure to catch a glimpse of her interminable splendour. My eyes seek for a dark spot and I gaze at the three tier cake at the corner. Covered with fondants and glazed with royal icing, sculpted with fine patterns-a true definition for a labour of love. Something I lack of from myself.

Something shifts from behind the cake and I blink a few times to look at it. A man, tall and outlined with a dark bespoke suit on him is standing uncaringly and I lean back in the chair, slumping a little bit but not breaking off my perfect posture in case someone looks at me. At least I'm not on my own. He then move and I get the whole view of him when I feel my breath hitch and petals that has long die and extinct miraculously comes back to live. I forget I'm sixteen.

Magnus Bane. He looks at me, tilting his head and I'm a piece of puzzle. I don't know whether I blink too many times or I never did because my eyes hurt. Cherry blossoms are flying in my gut and I look at Jace for a split second before looking back at him.

No.

The cherry blossoms aren't for Jace any longer.

It hasn't been since I was twelve. Since the night he came and leave without me knowing and here I am, four years of wondering and maddening, four years of asking but no answers, four years of missing. And I'm sixteen and he is a man.

He took a step towards me and I suffocate within myself. He sits down on an empty chair and he was effortless and I was a mess.

"What's your name?" He asks, repeating the same first question I asked him but I do not expect it to feel like thousands of cuts.

"Alec." He doesn't remember me. His eyes tell nothing of recollection, not even a flash and I was a drop of misery.

"I prefer Blue Eyes." He's flirting with me and I'm a ripe tomato on my cheeks and I curse my complexion of paleness. He smiles even more seeing me fidget under his stare and I realize I'm defenceless.

"Why aren't you dancing?" He asks and I tear my eyes away from his hands holding a glass towards the floor. I see shoes and heels and lights and caramel skin.

"The same reason you're not." I answer him.

His eyebrow shot upwards but it doesn't reach oblivion. "And what is that reason?" He smirks and my skin melts and scorches in embarrassment.

"I don't know." I say softly, my voice threatening to leave my vocal cord unhitches and I may lose my words.

He laughs a little, the sound I've absentmindedly think of even just for a moment in these past four years enveloping my eardrums like music.

"I don't have a partner to dance with." He says and I look up so fast just to get caught in his eyes.

"Do you want to dance with me?" A question from him and I'm an open book with ripped off pages I don't ever want him to lay eyes on.

"Gay people get married here, you know. As in here, this place." I don't know why he says that and I don't understand why he tells me that but I'm aware of it. I close my eyes and I shook my head, willing the white rods to calm down and I partially succeed. I lose my numbers and I start counting backwards again. I open my eyes and he's still looking at me, creasing eyebrows and pursed lips.

"No one knows about you, do they?" I'm shocked and pleased and terrified and scared and he sees right through me.

"Come here." He grabs my wrist and I unwillingly comply. He drags me to a corner and we are the only ones out of view. The music turns soft and slow almost coincidentally.

"Put your hands around me." Five words and my fingers are on his shoulders, his hands strong on my waist and he teaches me how to fly.

"Tell me," he speaks with his voice so low and undeterred, "which family do you come from?"

I gulp. I hesitate. I don't want him to know. I want him to remember. "Why?"

He looks down and peers at me and I try to blink. One. Two.

"Just asking. It's fine if you won't tell."

"Lightwood." His eyes widen slightly and my eyes are frozen. It seems like the clock isn't ticking as well so I repeat,

"Alec Lightwood." His head tilts and his eyes search something I can't see on my face. He looks me in the eyes and his lips curl naturally. His eyes now spark with something I know. Recognition.

"You're the oldest one." His hands are still on me and I'm shaking and trembling and my fingers won't budge from his solid frame. Those words are too familiar they have different effect on me when it comes from him. I'm just sixteen.

"You've grown so tall." We are only a few inches different and I think we fit each other. I mentally slap myself with my father's palm. When I feel his hand leaves me, I accept the emptiness he places at the spot but when his fingers glaze my cheekbone, all I want is to never be alone.

His knuckles line every subtle on my face and I'm a porcelain artifact. He pulls my chin upward and I lost the unknown battle. His lips are so close to mine and his nose is touching my face and I wake up to reality.

I let my hands fall off him painfully prideful and I take a step back. His questioning eyes are forever compiled into my messed up head and I leave him there as I run to my family. I won't let him haunt me again. Is what I was thinking. I can't go through that again. Is what I'm supposed to be thinking. I won't let him touch me. Is what I should tell him. I've already touch him. Is what I didn't tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! :)


	3. Two Years of No Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the way I'm making these two lovebirds sort of finds each other. Let me know what you think! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 3: Two Years Of No Hope

High school is over and summer greets me like unwanted intruders. I hate the sun and I hate the heat. Manhattan is great but the buildings aren't tall enough for me to entirely shed the sky away. I am no more a nightingale when I break my wings the moment I let go.

"If you keep staring into nothing, the probability of it raining tonight will not change." Jace pokes me by the shoulder and I feel like polystyrene. "Cheer up, Alec. You're out of school and you'll be in university in no time if you just enjoy this summer."

"Honestly," Isabelle flips her hair and I still love her like I always do, "what's with the books anyway? No one can pry you off them the moment your hands have contact with it." I sigh like I always do and I keep listening to them. That's what I'm supposed to do, that's the sole reason why I'm here-to listen and to fade.

The sand bed that I'm sitting on is nothing but familiarity to me. The rough and soft and salty and itch and everything else just bind me with oddity and I clasp my hands in them, burying my only strength from my siblings.

"Clary's here." Isabelle announces and I know Jace is gone the moment I feel my side goes cold. My sister is still here though and I pretend not to know why.

"Will you be alright?" She asks, ever so careful with me and I blame myself because I fail to hide the things she was not meant to see.

"I'll be fine. Go. I'll look over Max." Max is directly in my view, a few distance away closer to the water and all I want is for the sea to keep giving him all the spirit he needs. He's twelve now and I'm still the older one. Isabelle leaves me and I sit with my knees brought up to my chest and stare at him.

I hear laughter and scream of joy and chuckles and giggles and I keep my eyes on my little brother. I never dreamt for him to have my sickness. I wish he's never born with it. I know how painful it can get and he's just twelve and I am never precious.

The first time it happened to him I couldn't keep myself from crumbling. He's small and delicate and beautiful just the way he is and I can't protect him from this curse.

He turns to look around and his eyes catch me like fireflies. I smile and he waves. A man walks over to him and my alertness increases. He crouches down next to Max and I keep my bones awake for my brother. They talk and Max let him help with his sandcastle. I watch. Until I see Max's head starts to spasm and the man is trying to help but my brother's eyes are close and I'm on my feet running to him. A few distance away and I run like my life depends on it. One mistake and I'll be doom but that is not what I'm afraid of. Max is just twelve.

I'm on my knees and Max is spluttering words and I grab his head with my two hands and I say,

"Listen to my voice, Max." His eyes slowly open at the sound of my voice for I've learnt to always be there whenever it happens. I don't want him to go through it alone. I know how it feels I know how it feels I know how it feels. And I never forget.

"Breathe." I tell him and he tries to nod and then his eyes see the man standing over us, looking confused and worried.

"Look at me." I cradle his head and keep my eyes on him. I tell him to breath and we count together.

"You have to go, sir." I say without looking at the man. "He'll be fine. I'm his brother." A moving shadow and I know the man is no longer there but I can still feel his eyes on us. I focus my attention on Max because he's the one that matters and I wait until his breathing goes back to normal and his mouth doesn't rob him off his innocence anymore.

It's easier this way, to have someone to guide you through it and not end up drowning in your own weakness. Father didn't know that. He ignored me when I was seven and I know he would have beaten me up if mother hadn't come at that time. Ten seizures in a day and I felt like dying.

"Alec?" His small voice, still breathless and tired and scared but less horrified than I ever was. His head is now supported by himself and my hands still hover just for him to reach if anything.

"I'm sorry." I whisper and his eyes snap open and he look at me, surely wondering why every time it ended I would apologize as if it is my mistake, as if it is my fault. It is.

"Why do you always say that?" Max asks and I can't answer him. I don't know how to answer him. "Is it because I'm still small?"

Silent. "You're the only one who treats me like a baby." I know he's angry and I listen. "I'm twelve and Jace and Izzy treat me like one. I don't like it when you're the only one who doesn't." A cut and a slice and I don't know where I'm bleeding. "I don't like you."

White rods and I fight for control. My brother is not well and it's the after effect after each seizure. I hate that. I hate everything. I hate me.

Max got up and I let him go. I know where he's going and I hope Jace and Isabelle know he's coming. I don't want him to be alone, not ever.

"Hey." A voice. A chord. A note. I turn and I can't see his face due to the sun but I'm sure it's the previous man. He's standing and I'm kneeling in the sand and I can't greet him back.

"How's your brother?"

"He's fine." I croak and I swallow and I taste dust.

"What about you?" Something tells me I need to look away, I need to leave as fast as I can but my eyes are already materializing him and I saw yellow and green and perfect amber. His skin is still caramel and I'm no longer twelve.

"Are you alright?" He asks and I know he doesn't remember. I am nothing but a small fragment in a mirror, chipped and ignored. I am of no remembrance.

"I'm fine." I exhale and my inside is burning from lies. He takes a step and he's standing facing me. I wish he won't speak anymore. He kneels and I'm an ancient recording. I'm looking back at something I've hidden so far that it's nothing the same.

Magnus Bane is twenty-five and he's a perfect picture of everything. His hair is just the right black and his jaws are finely sculptured and his eyebrows are arts and his lips…

I'm shattered.

"You don't really look fine. What's your name?" This time, there were no cuts, instead the petals feels raw in me.

"Simon." I lie. Something flashes in his eyes and I can't catch it before it disappears and he's smiling and I just want an escape.

"Well Simon," he says the name like a fraud and I'm in between irony, "has anyone told you that you have a pair of really blue eyes?" He presses on really and I just want him to leave me. I don't want him to leave.

"Like really blue." He repeats and I force myself to look at him but after a glimpse, I'm looking at the water again.

He sighs. "You know what, I would've leaved you and return to my friends if you'd just tell me your name."

"Simon." I lie again.

"I mean your real name." I'm stuck among confusion and bewilderment and I feel hope coming back after so long. I've stop counting on days I would meet him again and I condemn myself from ever thinking of him but this moment crushes my whole two years of trying and I am left with nothing.

"My name is Simon." I speak and I think it's loud for him to hear but he still won't budge. He's still smiling and I'm staring and everything's moving until Jace calls for me.

"Hey Alec! Max wants us to make sand blanket for him. Hurry up." I'm not looking at him. I'm not looking at anybody. I just feel like I've done a crime and he's going to punish me. And I'm punishing myself by getting up and not looking at him. I can feel him smiling or frowning or disappointed. I do that a lot. Disappointing.

"I have to go." I tell him. Couldn't shed that habit off. It's in my bones and I'm expected to do it.

"Alright. I'll see you around." He gets up and walks away from me and I swear I feel fingers on my wrist, caressing the small part of me like I'm valuable when I'm not and I hear him. I hear him just by my side and I hear him clearly.

He says, "Take care, Alexander."

My head is down and I try to hide a smile. I walk over to my siblings and Isabelle gives me a look but then I remember who I am and who I'm with and I'm eighteen and the eldest again.

But deep down, where only a blue petal lays safe and untouched, I hope that I'll see him again. I begin to wish that I'll really see him around. And I hope it'll be soon. I just didn't know it'll be very soon.


	4. One Year and Still Holding On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I promise-no. I solemnly swear that we'll get to see them in a much happier state after this chapter. Right after this chapter. Thanks for the comments and I hope you enjoy this chapter even more. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 4: One Year and Still Holding On

The music is too loud in my ears and the lights are everywhere in my eyes. People squirming on each other and I try to avoid another human being. I've lost Jace the minute we arrived at Verlac's Manor, the house on top of the hills at Queens and I can see Isabelle flirting with another quarterback.

I don't know when and I don't want to realize it but I know I've lost my little sister when she saw what wasn't supposed to be seen in our house apart from me. It happened a few days after Christmas and I was finishing my reports when my father walked in and I remember we were the only ones in the house.

Isabelle was expected to come home not that early and my father was shoving her results paper in my face and I listened. I hope I'm a good listener and I hope father knew I was listening.

His voice was echoing throughout the house and Isabelle heard them. She heard everything and I wish time would reverse. I wish she hadn't heard not one bit of father's words and I wish she would stop blaming herself. No one is perfect, I told her. And so are you, she told me. She cried when I asked her to keep it a secret between us. She cried even more when I told her it doesn't hurt. That was the last time I saw her tears.

Now my sister looks at me like a saint and she treats other boys like gums. They stick around but not for long. I blame myself even more because I made her think that my flaws are perfect. I am anything but.

"Have you seen Jace?" I spin and I almost didn't see her there. Clary's frame is small and petite and I tower over her. Yet she still manage to keep Jace a human and I envy her for the faith she holds. Clary is smaller and stronger than I am.

"I think he's outside." I look over what's above her shoulder and everywhere is an ocean full of people. Sebastian, Jace's football team leader throws good party and everyone, all around New York pays good deal to attend. And it's not necessarily in terms of money. Jace knows him and Isabelle's the cheerleader captain and I'm their brother and anyone who knows anyone gets to attend. It's spring break.

"I'll help you find him." I say and walk first. Too many people and too many crowds and I feel my head banging. I never like parties but my siblings doesn't need to know that one fact. No one needs to know what I like what I don't. It's not important.

We're both outside and its dark and boys and girls and older guys are everywhere like party poppers. Clary move away and I stand awkwardly by my own, trying to dissolve with the lawn and the pillars and a hand grab me by the shoulder.

"You having a good time?" Sebastian gives me his usual charm and I nod graciously, numbing the surprise at the small part on my shoulder.

"You don't happen to see Jace anywhere, do you?" I ask, diverting my head all directions and was that who-

"Hey Seb, I think you should check on the dudes playing your dad's billiards. They're gonna crash the table if no one stops them." Sebastian curse and he smiles before he leaves me with his other supposedly acquaintances and I look everywhere.

"Wait." One of them said and I want to tell him that I wasn't moving. I should move. I should go away and leave. But I am older and everyone knows everyone.

"Aren't you that dude from the video? Hey guys." He's calling his friends and I want to tell him don't, we'll end up fighting and I don't want to fight because I don't know how. Jace does. Where is Jace?

"He's the junior in NYU who freaked out during orientation, right?" A seizure in public and it goes viral on the net. I am rigid.

Some simply glances at me and I want to tell them that they are a good person. But those who keep staring are burning holes all over my broken pieces. For once I think that New York is too small for these people they need to get out more often. I simply need to dissolve and I know I've succeeded that partially.

"Man what happened to you that day? You went berserk." He's talking too loud and now everyone's looking and my eyes are piercing the moon, blessing them with fractured fragments that are my soul. Or maybe what's left. I'm nineteen for god sake and these people are looking at me like I'm younger, tinier and timid. I don't feel like running. But then I see flashes and white rods. Oh god, not now.

"Hey buddy, come on." One of them light-punch me on the shoulder and I waver slightly. I can't count. Why am I not counting? One. I lost. Two. What? Three. I fail.

"Tell us what happened. Were you joking or something?" I hear laughter and chuckles and I can't control the jolts that are taking over my head. I press my lips tight so that I won't lose any more of my dignity and the pain strikes. They keep on talking and pointing out guesses.

"Leave him alone." A voice say and my eyes are sealed and I don't know who says it but my heart hopes for Jace or anyone I know. But mostly I don't. I'm falling and I'm always falling. And no one has ever caught me. Until now.

Someone grab me by my arms and I can feel that person standing right in front me, too close and he's holding me. I need to tell him to let go but I can't. Or I won't stop. My mouth won't stop. And that'll make another story.

"Let's go inside." He says to me and I feel myself getting drag and then it's quiet. There's just me and my harsh breathing and my head convulsing and then there's him. There's him.

"Breathe." He tells me and I try. My whole body is shaking and I don't know from what but he's too close too close too close. I want to tell him to just leave me and I'll be fine but his hands are wrapped around my shoulders and I freeze. He's not too close from me anymore. He's hugging me. And I'm a block of frozen human. I try to lift my hands but they won't cooperate after the shock I gave them and I want to hold him but I can't. I shouldn't. I'm no one. I'm nothing.

I can't figure out the numbers and I don't know how long it has been until I feel tired and useless again. He feels it too. He let me go and even before I see his face my heart knows him. My heart knows him by beat because he taught me how to breath.

Magnus.

"Are you calm now?" He asks and I'm fighting to keep my eyes straight on his. Residues and I'm still plastic and he's the way he always is. My breathing staggers and I wonder if he knows it's because of him.

"Magnus." I finally let out and he smiles and I feel perfect. He smiles.

"I know I've seen that blue eyes somewhere." He's still smiling. And I keep looking at him.

"Magnus." I repeat softly and his smile falters a little bit. I hope he doesn't see what's broken.

"I'm sure I'm the only one you know with that name." My head tells me to step back but there are walls behind me and there's him standing in front me. His lips move and I'm a thousand years old.

"Alex-"

"Magnus!" Another guy walks into the kitchen and Magnus's silhouette are visible from the side of the pantry and I see conflict on his face and before he could decide, I push myself to the wall and that small inches away are like oceans apart.

He sees what I did and he walks away slowly. In my head, I imagine my fingers catching him by the sleeve again and giving myself to him the way I did when I was twelve. I want to give him me but I'm not sure whether I'm worth it. He deserves so much more and I'm just a plastic doll.

I hear him call the guy Imasu and I watch as he slips his hand with the other man and they're completely gone from my view but I'm still staring at the spot he was moments ago. I feel so old so suddenly.

That night, I'm lying on my stomach on my bed with cuts all over my back because I fail to keep Jace out of trouble and I'm the one who's older and it's my fault. Everything is my fault. That's what father says. And I know it's true. But surprisingly, those cuts hurt less than the bruise I feel on my chest with just one simple image and I'm still holding on. I'm still hanging and I hurt alone. But there's nothing I could do. Like I said, he's stolen something else from this house six years ago and I'm getting heartless and fading into nothingness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at me. I love Alec so much I hurt him more. Yikes.
> 
> Here's a proposal for those who reads, I would really love to know how YOU would imagine them meeting in the next chapter and what you would expect to happen. So yeah, don't hesitate. I'll try to use your ideas the best I could. :)


	5. Until Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for my awkwardness in dialogues and everything (my biggest flaw in writing) and I did give my best. Let me know if it's not too good or even good or whatever that comes into your mind after reading. Thoughts are precious to me and I hold onto them every time I writes. Sorry for the rambling. Carry on.
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 5: Until Tomorrow

Max is staring at me. Jace is by his side with his arms cross over his chest and that has not bothered me for so many years. Isabelle is seated on the couch but her face isn't as accusing as my brothers'.

"Well." Jace says. "Aren't you going to explain to him?" Max is still staring at me and I don't know how to put the words together to form a line called sentence. The form paper is still in his hand, crumpled and looking less guilty than I am.

"There's nothing to explain. My answer is no." My voice is strong and I am the first born. It's my decision to make in place for my parents.

"He deserves to know why." Jace replies and I wish he knows why. I wish they all know why. He's just supporting Max and Isabelle is trying to not crush me and I'm a statue of deception.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and I let out a small sigh. I love my siblings. I just hope they know that too.

I look at Max and he's still staring and I remember him being ten and scared and not knowing what was wrong and I was there for him. I'll always be there for him. But I'm scared that a day will come when I won't be able to do so. No one should be alone.

"Why, Alec?" His voice suddenly graces my ears and I want to hug him and hold him but he's no longer the small boy. I'm still seeing the small boy.

"Why won't you let me go?" Max asks again and I look at Jace even when I know he will not help me and I don't dare to look at Isabelle because she knows every reason and I know she will not hold them in.

"I said no, Max."

"Everyone else in his class is going. Why can't Max?" Jace tries again and I want to let him go but I can't. No one will help him if it happens and I don't want his friends to look at him differently.

"Enough, Jace." I say to him and I look back at Max and I saw his eyes brimming with tears behind those glasses and I curse myself because I'm the one who's making him cry. Why can't I do anything right for once in my life?

"You're not going, Max. That's final." I repeat it again and I know I'm stabbing everyone else in the room with my fake coldness and distinctness but I would do everything I can to keep them safe.

"I hate you." Max spills out and he runs out from the room and I am left standing in a desert that's chilly and too heavy to breathe. Until Jace says,

"You can't keep this up, you know." I look at him and I know he sees the confusion.

"He'll grow up and you can't keep him with you forever."

"At least he stays in this house." I answer him.

"And what? End up like you?" He's annoyed with me. I can tell from the way how the words come out from his mouth and Isabelle feels the tension building up and she glances at me but my eyes are on Jace's.

"I don't want him to end up like me."

"Then let him go. He needs to learn how to not be afraid of what he is."

"And what is he exactly, Jace?" It was Isabelle who spoke and I am scared to know where this is going.

"How long are you going to play with this act, Izzy? We know there's something wrong with him. He's just disabled." Jace says and I wish he could take them back. My heart, already torn and broken from years of torment bleeds in a way I couldn't describe.

"You mean there's something wrong with me." I tell Jace and his head whips around to look at me and I hope I could hold back the tears.

"I'm the one who brought this disease into the family. I gave it to him." My brother is unmoving at his spot and my sister is getting up from the couch and I take a step back. I'm not backing away from them but I'm creating a safe distance for them, from me.

"Blame me if you want but all I want is to make sure that all of you are safe."

Jace shakes his head too quickly and I know things will not end smoothly if I say the wrong thing.

"You're too controlling, Alec. Sometimes I think you don't even care about us and you want us safe?" Isabelle gasps softly at Jace's words and I listen. I'm good at listening. It makes me feel important. At least.

"Our parents may not seem to pay attention to Max because we are here with him but they don't cage him up like you do. You won't even let him go to a birthday party in case he gets seizure and that it would go viral like you did-"

"Jace, stop." Isabelle asks him but he keeps talking. And I keep listening. I'm his brother and the eldest.

"No. We can't keep doing this to Max. Don't you think it's unfair for him when we get to do everything with our friends and he doesn't?" He's blaming me and he's looking at me and I'm guilty for all the charges he just said.

"He's the youngest, Alec. He's not supposed to be treated that way. We make mistakes, I mean I did and Izzy did too," and I could see water in Isabelle's eyes and I hope they won't give anything away, not when Jace is in the room, "but mom and dad never scolded us. They don't even punish us." He lightly laughs and I'm a thousand pieces of cheap ceramic.

I want to tell him that they both got out easy because of me. I want to tell him that every time they did something wrong, it will always turns to me. And I'm the one who bears all the cuts and bruises and pain-the marks of punishments. Because I'm their brother and I'm supposed to give good examples and if-when they cross the line, I'm the one who'll get runs by the train. And it hurts in the deepest way for it comes from someone who protected me for not more than half of the years of my life and I lost his respect. I feel my bones melt.

"Max will get his chance when he's older." I say softly, almost a whisper but its audible.

"He's turning fourteen in a couple of months. God, Alec. You're a mess." Jace says and I don't know whether he means it or not but then I see the belated regret on his face and I know I still have my brother.

"Thanks." Was all I said and I walks out from the room, from the house and I keep walking. I walk and I walk and I keep my feet my legs under my command and I stop when I'm perfectly on a land of greens and there are trees shading me from brightness and I'm almost alone.

I let myself, my entire self feels the grass underneath me and I don't care because no one sees me. No one pays attention to me and I'm lying down with my heads supported by my arms and I close my eyes.

"This park seems flatteringly gorgeous this afternoon. I bet you don't know the reason why, do you?"

At first, I feel bizarrely scared but then I know a second too late to whom they belong. The words were flawless, the tone was beautiful and the pitch was perfect. Just like him.

I keep my eyes close as I say to him, "Perhaps I do know why."

My heart skips a beat at my own words and adrenaline rushes like fireworks and I can still feel myself breathing. I'm getting good at this.

"Would I be right if I say it could get riskily more beautiful if I can just look into those really blue eyes?" I can't help but smile. I'm an idiot. An idiot for him.

"And what if they aren't blue anymore?" I joke and I hear him shifts and my eyes are still close.

"What?" His voice is small and terrified and I can't hold myself. I'm staring into his eyes. Yellow and green and he's smiling of relief.

"There they are. Still blue. Really blue." He moves away slightly and I realize how close he is. "Liar."

I get up from my position and I'm sitting with my knees brought up not too close to my chest and my elbows rest on my thighs. He's legs are folded underneath him and his hands stay in his lap and I thought he look uncertain for a moment. Or even maybe disturbed.

"What's the problem?" I dare myself to ask him and I'm looking at him but my eyes are trying to blur him out.

"What makes you think I have a problem?" Magnus asks me and I try not to stutter. I'm not twelve.

"Why are you here, then?" I ask and Magnus smiles even more and I've never been dreaming.

"The same reason you are." He answers and I remember a wedding and a cake and him, still the same.

"I doubt that. You're an only child."

"Trouble with the boys or that sister of yours?" He asks and I want to believe that he does care.

"Trouble with me." I wanted to say but instead, "My brother."

"At least we have the same male problem." I look at him questioningly and he carries on saying,

"I broke my boyfriend's favourite flute and now he's giving me second thoughts on dating him." I know he's dating and he's still seeing that Imasu guy and my heart is still with him. No logic can explain to me why and I don't want to know. It's safe there. With him.

"Was it intentionally or you just broke it?" I ask trying to sound indifferent and I know I succeed because I've learnt to do it for so long.

"Of course it was unintentionally." He answers me and he sounds tired as he leans back slightly and my eyes catches his shirt sliding up a little bit, revealing smooth caramel skin and I hope I don't blush. I don't want to have to blame my cheeks.

"Did you apologize?" I ask some more, not looking at him and suddenly finding the grass just below my right foot interesting and amusing.

He straightens up, look at me although I'm not looking at him but I can just tell from the way his shadow hovers above me and I don't know what to do. We've met so many times in these past few months in the same manner and I'm still a blank paper. I wonder why he hasn't told me I'm dull or boring yet. He says my eyes keep him awake sometimes but they make him easier to fall asleep as well. I pretend not to understand.

"Why are you still single?" He asks me and I can hear the curiosity in him and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable by telling him it's because of him. I don't think I have the courage to tell him that.

"It's not illegal being single." The only way I can reply him by not regretting my words in the future. I've always been careful. And I do everything in my power to avoid hurting him. I don't want to hurt him.

"I didn't say it was and you're avoiding my question."

"I have a choice not to answer you." His eyebrow shot up and I'm made of paper. Petals still flutter in me, in a nice way.

"My my," he says, leaning back and looking in front him, "have we gotten stubborn already? I remember you being much more honest than this."

"I think you should apologize to your boyfriend." I divert and I taste blood when I said the word boyfriend to him. He tsks.

"Won't be for long. I'm tired of him and he's tired of me." No one should get tired with you. I know I don't. But I didn't tell him that. Instead, I choose to say,

"Let me know when that happens and I'll buy you a drink." He smirks and I feel bold. I'm young and I'm bold.

"Fine. I know we'll see each other soon then." He says and petals joint me with joyfulness.

"Until then."

"Until then."


	6. Accepting You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have nothing to say. All you have to do is read and leave me your thoughts. I hope you like it. :)  
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 6: Accepting You

"Are you drunk?" I ask Magnus and he nods his head too enthusiastically. We are at a club and I'm not twenty-one yet. The bouncer let me in because of Magnus and I'm not touching any alcoholic substances. I'm going home later where I will meet my parents and siblings and I swear to myself I will never get drunk.

"We should leave after you're done with this one." I glance at the table and glasses and bottles are everywhere. All properties of Magnus and I feel hopeless. His break up is still too fresh for him and I'm the one bearing the wound for I'm constantly bleeding at the sight of him breaking.

"What's the hurry?" His words are slurred and my feet won't leave because they know if I leave, I'm abandoning my heart. "We haven't even danced yet."

I'm a thawing resolution. I want to dance with him but not like this. I want to have fun with him when he's truly himself and he's anything but right now.

"I don't dance." I half scream at him and the music defeats me every time I speak. We're sitting in one of the booth at a darker spot and I know every time people passed by, they give a glance only because of Magnus. I am a perfect blend to the walls.

He shakes his head to the beat and I try to keep my eyes on the table but everywhere is just distracting.

"Is that who I think it is?" For once, I hope the voice was indicating me. In this raw situation, I just feel like needing an escape the way I used to feel with Jace. But at the thoughts of Jace, I'm once again a shadow casting just for the effect of light that is right in front me. And Magnus is the new light I've found.

"Magnus Bane." A lady, blonde hair in short skirt and red classic lips with jades as the accessories in her eyes and she's the perfect definition of fairy tale.

Magnus look at her and I act like a stranger who'd just decided to take a sit for a while at this table and I'm clueless.

"Camille." Magnus let out and I recognized her from one of Magnus's shared stories with me. She was his ex.

"I see you haven't moved on." She confidently says and slips right in the chair facing us and I look everywhere.

"You know you could always apologize to me and I might reconsider our relationship." Magnus is truly right with his words when he said Camille was too much to be manhandled, even for him.

"I broke up with you." Magnus points a finger at her and I have to keep him straight from swaying. "I moved on, Camille."

"Then why're you here? This doesn't look like someone who's happy and enjoying his life." She speaks and her smile is ever so alluring it made me feels…annoyed for an instant. I believe first impression doesn't really count for her. She successfully destroys any possibilities of having a good term with me and I do have good girl friends. Not that it matters. She's a part of Magnus's life, not mine.

Her eyes then meets mine and I pull every strings on me so that I won't slip anything past.

"And who's this? Your new toy?" I hope Magnus doesn't see me fisting my hands under the table but what comes out from Magnus's mouth might've been a lot more hurtful than injuring my palms.

"He's none of your concern." He looks serious and his eyes are focused but he's not looking at me and I didn't stare at him for too long. He may be someone important in my life. Hell, he's the one that matters above all but that doesn't mean it's the other way around. We're not mutual. Not yet.

"Who are you?" She asks me and I've become solid for a moment.

"Alec." I say with polite still embeds itself in me. Old habits die hard.

"How long have you been sleeping with him?" This time she asks Magnus and my cheeks burn with the bluntness in her. Magnus seems to actually ponder on the question and I try to gain back her attention on me by saying,

"He's not sleeping with me. I'm not sleeping with him." She blinks and her hair falls in front her when she leans forward a little, revealing some of her pale smooth skin around her bosoms and I wonder if Magnus is paying attention. I know I'm not.

"So you guys have just met?" She asks some more and I wanted to say to her that she's being nosy and she might as well leave but Magnus's hand were suddenly around my waist, pulling me close to him and altogether cutting me from the oxygen.

"I've been seeing him, if that's what you mean." Magnus says and I'm still firm in his arm.

"Isn't he too young for you?" Camille was asking but all I'm aware of is his five fingers curling onto my side and I feel like I've been embraced by heaven. I can't imagine what his hug would do to me.

"That's the reason I'm not sleeping around with him. I don't corrupt innocent souls just to trample on them when I get bored. And you and me are the same age." He tells Camille and I don't know how I could still be alive when I'm not breathing.

She's looking at me again, staring at me as if I'm a specimen or something and I try to react but I'm too comfortable like this I hope he'll never let me go. If this is what bliss feels like then I must be crazy.

"Are you really seeing him?" She asks me and I swallow hard enough to imagine my tonsils coming out but that won't be appropriate or decent. I try looking at Magnus and he's looking at me and I nod slowly.

"How long?"

"Why do you even care, Camille?" Magnus's ask and I feel my whole spirit being sucked out the moment he let go and his arm is not on me any longer.

"Because I can tell you're lying. I could also pretend to hug some guy in public and say I'm dating him." And right then I know what's wrong. It's her who hasn't moved on. She still wants Magnus and I don't know whether Magnus wants her back as well.

I wasn't aware of him getting close to me, his face inches away and then his lips touch my cheek and only after it happened, I realized he just kissed me on my cheek. And I forgot who I am or where I am. I know only this; Magnus Bane just kissed me and I'm an idiot.

"That's not a kiss." Camille says and I want her to shut up. She's not part of this and I don't want her to be part of this and she can go to hell and leave Magnus alone and he's drunk and I'm still here.

His hands are cupping my face, turning them so I can look at him and I let myself revel in his eyes before I see the hesitant in them. They were asking, seeking permission and I fell apart. He's not sure whether he could kiss me and I don't know what I'm doing.

I leaned in and I caught his lips with mine. Controlled urgency is what made me so sure of him. Magnus was soft, gentle and careful and I'm made of jelly being held like that. We broke apart for a few seconds, looking into each other and I wish this world was made for us.

This time, he kissed me first and I'm suddenly on fire. Someone must've poured molten lava on me and my blood is filled with it that I feel myself radiating heat and his hands is in my hair and on my back and I'm holding him. I'm holding him in case he disappears. I'm holding him in case reality decides to pull a joke on me and he's not even real. This is not even happening but his kissing me and I'm kissing him.

Magnus knew what he was doing and his lips are so soft so soft so soft and he parted mine with expert that comes from past experience and I find myself not caring. He's exploring me in ways no one ever did and I let him. I let him feels me until he's savoured enough and only then we were aware of the lack of air between us. He pulls away and I pull away despite the ache in me and I realized Camille was gone.

I'm flushed, I know I am and for the sake of Magnus, I didn't curse. He's breathless but he looks more composed than I am and then he's grabbing me by my wrist and we're out from the dark space to be greeted by the moonlight.

We walk in no awkward silence but only tranquil and I enjoy him being by my side. My head is a little dizzy and I'm still dreaming from a dream I would never want to be awake from and then he stops walking.

I turn ever so careful and I see him staring at me with a look in his eyes, narrowed to crescents under the stars.

"What is it?" I ask him and he come close so close and I feel my heart beats steady but there's no air for me to breathe in.

"I bet that wasn't your first kiss." He says softly under his breath and I could see the remains of our kiss in the form of puffs air and I wish for it to stay.

I shook my head so quickly I must be the one who's drunk.

"I've never kissed anyone. Not until just now." I mumbled and my cheeks are heating up and I want to hide from his eyes but he's oh so beautiful to look at.

"Are you sure? Not anyone? Ever?" I shook my head, showing him my certainty and I hope he sees it.

"Not when you're twelve?" I feel myself go rigid and my eyes widened and he's smiling at me, looking at something I've almost forgot and I'm made of glass. I could shatter or I could I just hold onto myself but he's smiling and he's looking at me and all this while-

"I wasn't really asleep, you know. And you made me remember you for so long just to see you ran away from me."

And then I remember the wedding and he's dancing with me and he's getting closer and I walked away. I thought he'd forgotten me.

"I thought I was turning into a paedophile or something but you're all grown up." He keeps talking and I don't know what to say. I look at his face and I hope I could hide the petals that resemble so much of my longing for him from the world. I don't want to stay missing and remembering.

"You mean-you-you know-I-at the-you-" I swallow and I try to form a sentence again.

"You knew it was me?" I finally say and his face was telling me I'm being silly. I am silly, I'm an idiot. And it's all because of him.

"Of course I know it was you. I was messing with you. I didn't expect you to lie when I saw you at the beach but…" He trails off and I don't mind if he doesn't say anything more but he does and I think I'm flying and he's the one who taught me how.

"I've always remember you. I could never forget you. You're my Alexander Lightwood."

I'm not flying.

I'm soaring.

And he remembers me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the idea that I got from a guest and this is what I made out of it. I hope it was nicely done. Oh and on top of that, I've officially ran out of plot so I'll be needing thoughts (that will always remain precious to me) from my precious readers. Thanks for reading. *kisses


	7. Special Someone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. So, I still don't know where this is going. I just hope that this chapter was fine and if it's not, please let me know. I'm open to criticism. Just don't make it too harsh for me. Thanks for the kudos!:)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 7: Special Someone

I'm in my room. With Jace holding my head and I'm looking directly into his eyes. We're sitting on my bed and we're counting. We're still counting and his eyes are still holding patience with mine. It's only eight in the morning and I woke up to another seizure and I don't remember Jace coming in and he was already holding me.

I breathe. I try to breathe and I know I'm wrong when I thought the pain that came after would lessen through years. They don't and I think of Max-

"You're alright?" Jace's calming voice is like anchors. They pull me up and they're strong and I know he's the only who can help Max when I can't. I never want him to be alone.

I nod my head, still not trusting my own vocal chords and he let go of my face slowly. I push down the nausea that follows and I swallow hard. Two knocking on my door and Isabelle walks in without consent. I still love her.

"Morning, ladies." She greets us and I think it was the look on my face that gives away and her smile was gone in a blink. I hate that. I like to see her smile. I look away and I get up from my bed and walk over to the window.

"Another one?" She asks; her voice suddenly careful and low. I take a deep breath and I let it out slowly. My fingers are still shaking when I turn around to face my siblings and they're looking at me like I'm made of clay.

"I'm fine." I tell them and they trust me. They always do.

"So," Isabelle move closer and she stop right next to Jace, beaming at me and I wonder what happened last night. "What would you like for dinner? Mom and dad aren't coming home tonight."

"You're cooking?" Jace looks at her and he had that absurd look on his face and I'm somewhat feeling a horror creeping up my bare arms. I love my sister but cooking is just not meant for her. I hope she meets a good guy who can cook.

She snorted and I can't help but frown at that.

"We haven't even had breakfast yet and you're talking about dinner? Where's Max anyway?" Jace look over to the door and I look as well.

"Max is still in the bathroom." Isabelle shrug and she's still looking at me. "What would you like for dinner, Alec?"

I think something was up with her and I don't know what it is so I say,

"Why don't you two decide the menu and I'll cook for you?"

Her expression instantly changes to one that makes me feel very terrible if I knew what it was meant for. Jace looks at her and he's gaping, like something just make sense and I'm still in the blur.

"Dammit, man. I forgot." Jace let out and I points at him.

"Language."

"You forgot too, don't you?" Isabelle says and I feel like I was being accused of something. And I don't even know what it is.

I look to the door to see Max walking in and he too is smiling. Although the kind of smile he gives me is different from the ones he gives Jace. They had too much effort directed at me and I don't blame him.

"Good morning, Alec." He says, walking straight at me and his head barely reach my shoulder but he put his arms around my waist and I'm a box of puzzles.

"Happy birthday." He pulls away and it all clicks in my head. Jace is trying hard not to laugh and Isabelle is clearly annoyed with me. And I know exactly the reason why.

"I told you." Jace says in between chuckles and Max looks confused.

"You promise you won't forget your birthday this year." Isabelle says in frustration and I won't condemn her. She's just being sweet and nice and my sister.

"He forgot that as well." Max chimes in when he seems to understand the situation.

I don't remember when, clearly I'm bad at remembering my own birthday but I think I stop caring about it since Isabelle was born and I remember each one of their special dates excluding mine. They always remember today though and I remember when I was seventeen, Isabelle kept reminding me that the next day would be my birthday. And still I woke up forgetting about it.

"You're unbelievable." Isabelle says.

"More like impossible." Jace says and I waited for Max to say something but he was quiet. He sits down next to Jace and they're all looking at me, waiting.

"Here's the deal," Jace pipes up when he see me not making any decision in a short split second, "we'll prepare for you the surprise that we always do," he drags every word making it sound like he was talking to a ten years old but I listened anyway, "and you will bring that special someone for dinner with us tonight. How about that?"

They all know. I don't know how but when I told them about me, when I told them there is someone and it's a man they were all so prepared I was taken aback with their reactions. Isabelle smiled and Jace laughed and Max just stood still, being Max. I know I'm lucky to have them although I question myself all the time; am I good enough for them?

They didn't wait for my answer.

"That's a great idea." Isabelle says, suddenly smiling a lot wider.

"Wait, who's this special person you're talking about?" Max asks Jace and he grins at me.

"You'll meet him later." He says, still grinning at me.

Isabelle then drags the boys out and they scurries away from my room in an instant. I'm left alone with an important mission.

* * *

"So you're telling me," Magnus's index finger touch my nose and I'm a thousand years happy, "your sister and brothers has invited me for dinner?"

I nod. I didn't tell him it's my birthday.

"What about your parents?" He asks and I gulp.

"They're at work." I don't think I'll ever tell them about Magnus and that thousand years just depleted into seconds. I am forever guilty of myself and those around me. I know for sure Magnus deserves a lot more than me but I can't imagine myself letting him go when I'm this close to him.

"Alright." He says and I'm filled with cherry blossoms again.

"Really?"

"You need to stop playing hard to get, you know." He kisses me on my nose and I smile. How could I not be an idiot for him?

"What am I going as, by the way?"

"Jace said you were that special someone."

"To him or to you?"

To me. You'll always be to me.

"You still remember the place, don't you?" I change the question and I know he notice it but he just smile and I fell apart even more. Can you imagine small splinters breaking into millions more? That's me. I'm nothing.

"I think so." He says and I nod.

"Great. I'll see you later."

* * *

Max got to the door before I did but Isabelle came out of nowhere just so she could grab the knob and flung them straight open.

Magnus is a view to behold.

I know that because Max is stunt and Isabelle is still trying to form words and I try my best not to really look at him. Because among all of them, I would be the definite loser and now isn't the time.

"Hello." Isabelle finally speaks and I smile at her sudden increase in pitch. Magnus brings his hand forward and she takes it the way how we're taught to do; smooth yet potent.

"You must be Isabelle." Magnus says to her and then his eyes look at Max. "Maxwell, right?"

Max nod and he didn't correct him. They shake hands as well and I'm so nervous by the side I think my siblings won't even notice me standing there if Magnus hadn't speak.

"Evening, Alexander." He smiles at me and I'm torn between smiling back at him and keeping my act for my siblings. I'm a mess.

Time seems to move so slow for me when I know we're all sitting at the table, Magnus by my side and we're eating. I'm a working automaton that keeps feeding my head with overloaded theories and unwarranted thoughts.

I hear my sister talking with Magnus and I'm still dead in my chair. And then Jace decided to interfere and they're all talking and I'm still waiting for my head to work again.

"How long have you known Alec?" The question hadn't surprise me to much extent but it came from Max and it does something to my heart. I really want to believe that I still have a space in his life.

Magnus looks at me and I swallow hard.

"We met when I was twelve." I say and they're all silence, even Magnus. I look at them and they're all looking at me. I touch the corner of my mouth in case I got something and then I look at Magnus and he's staring at me.

"Shut. Up." Isabelle speaks and I'm frowning at her for the lexicon.

"Your parents hired me to babysit him back then." Magnus tells her and I'm still glaring at her but she didn't seem to notice. I wonder what was so surprising.

"So you've been seeing each other since then?" Jace looks at us and I blink so much my head hurts.

"No." Magnus shook his head and let out a small laugh and honestly, I can't count how many petals are fluttering in me. I want to ask them to just keep quiet and let Magnus finish his food but I'm too well aware of his presence beside me I'm rendered speechless. I hope no one gets hurt tonight. Mostly, I hope they won't get hurt tonight.

"That would be illegal." Max suddenly says and I look at him and he promptly lowers his head. God, I'm a monster.

"Indeed it is." Magnus smiles at him and he looks between me and Max and I don't know what he's seeing.

"You haven't asked me any question. Aren't you curious?" Magnus asks Max and he brings his head up slowly again to meet Magnus's gaze and it's my turn to look at my plate.

"You won't mind?" Max's small voice slices something in me. I can actually feel Magnus shakes his head and I wait for Max to speak.

"What did you give him?" Max asks and I'm suddenly observant of my surrounding I look like I'm trying to dash from the table.

"What?" Magnus asks and I know he's confused.

"For his birthday." I'm so dead. Could the plate in front me possibly be the weapon for my death?

This time, I can actually feel him grinning at me and I don't know what's worse; that or dying.

"I haven't actually given it to him yet."

"Why don't you stay the night here?" Isabelle abruptly asks.

"What?" I gape at my sister and she's looking innocent. How can that possibly be when she's making me losing my mind every five seconds?

"I would love to." Magnus adds and I grab his arm without thinking.

"No, wait." I look at him and he's not even trying to hide the amusement. I look around the table and I see Isabelle still with that smile on her face, Jace looking bored and Max is still waiting for my answer.

"Unless your brother doesn't want me to stay." Magnus tells them and I'm a ticking bomb. I don't know how to defuse myself and I don't want to hurt them but everything is happening so fast, too fast.

"He does." Isabelle quips in and I don't realize when have I been overruled by my own siblings.

* * *

Magnus is in my room and he's standing near the window. He looks like he'd just come out from one of my dreams and its breath taking.

"Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

"I forgot." I try shrugging but I'm too awestruck with the view in front me.

"Your room doesn't change much." I nod and he sees it.

He moves away and walks over to my bed. "Come here."

My feet move on their own when I'm still taking in the beauty, the only beauty that's in my room and I hope I didn't taint him with my flaws.

I'm standing facing him and he takes me in his arms, his head buried in the crook between my neck and shoulder and he breathes in. I'm all of a sudden shivering and I tremble just with his existence.

"Happy birthday, Alexander." His finger grazes my chin and then he pulls my face towards him and I think I just got the most valuable birthday gift ever.

He kisses me.

It was slow and content. No claiming and no demand, just devouring and he's giving me him. He pulls me closer to him, holding me tight with his hand around my waist and the other on the back of my neck. I'm floating. I must be.

I feel myself pulling him onto my bed and he's on top of me and I remember this was where I gave him my first kiss.

"This is where you kiss me in my sleep." He says, as if he could read my mind.

"You weren't sleeping." I say and then we're kissing again. His lips mark my nose, my chin, my jaw, my eyebrow, my eye lashes, both my cheeks and my entire forehead. And then he moves lower and he found a soft spot on my neck that I don't even know was there this whole time and I'm still shaking in his arms. He's here but I can't tell myself this is real.

Magnus meets my eyes and he kisses me and I wrap my arms around his neck and I hold him close. I'm still holding him close to me even when I know he won't disappear.

The sound of the door creaking breaks us apart from our kiss and I see Max blinking furiously ashamed and he's saying,

"Shit. I should've knocked. Shit."

The fact that he just caught me kissing Magnus was immediately replaced when I truly grasp what he just said.

"Maxwell, what did you say?" I was sitting up right with Magnus still in my lap and all I'm thinking about is to kill Jace for ruining his perfect manner.

"Alec, I'm so sorry- I didn't- oh my god- I'll leave-"

"What did you just say?" I repeat and this time my voice is stronger. It held something that always vanishes when Magnus is around; authority.

"It's fine, Max. You can come in." Magnus moves away from my lap and sit next to me. He looks surprisingly unaffected with what just happened and I'm still in the middle of correcting my brother when I'm all butterflies in the inside.

"No. I'll come back some other time." Max quickly grabs the knob to close the door and I say,

"Wait a minute. I didn't say you could leave." He looks at Magnus, giving him what I assume an SOS signal.

"Go, Max. Lock the door, will you?" Magnus says to him and I'm in disbelieved. Max nods his head in a quick motion and I hear a clicking when the door closes.

I didn't get to fix my bearing when Magnus jumps back on me and he's all over me and I'm all over him. We pull away after what felt like years and the time isn't moving.

"You're too hard on him." Magnus says.

"I never teach him that word." was the thing that comes out from my mouth when I look into his shining eyes and Magnus is still smiling. He's breathless and my head is in the clouds.

"I know that." He says and he kisses my nose again.

"I never told you my birthday but you said you have a gift for me?" I ask hesitatingly and I didn't want to appear hopeful and he's smiling at me again and all I want is to have him with me for the rest of my life.

"I do." He sits down and I sit back up and our legs are folded underneath us. He hooks something from his pocket and when he brings it to eye-level, I see a silver key dangling from his fingers.

"This is for you." I take it into my palm and I think it was the light messing with my eyes because my sight just got blurry and I blink a few times.

"This is your apartment key." I tell him.

"I want you to have it so you could come by any time you feel like."

I look at him and his smile falters a little bit and I'm worth nothing if I'm going to always cause that.

He leans forward and for a second I thought he was going to continue kissing me but instead, he kisses the top of my head. He doesn't move away when I expected him to so I stay close and I let him.

When he finally pulls away I surprise him with a hug. I keep my hold on him and I wish I would never have to let go and he's holding me as well and I hear him say,

"I want you, Alexander. I want you around for a very long time."

I tighten my grips around him and I know he knows I'm crying. I want him to know that I have so little to offer and my world is just too small for someone like him and I don't want him to look for another because if he does, I won't have another. Not like him. Not ever. And I hope he knows he's my Magnus Bane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This chapter was clearly longer. Is that okay or the usual length was more preferable? Let me know! :)


	8. May Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for the kudos. Look how it helped me-another chapter! Enjoy reading and leave me your thoughts. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 8: May Be

"This one?"

"No."

"How about this one?"

"Mm-hm."

"Is that a yes?"

"No."

"What about this?"

"Still no."

I sigh. "You're not going to let me wear any of my shirts."

"They all look the same to me." Magnus says, flinging his hands all over my wardrobes. I cross my arms and look at him.

"What?" He blinks at me. "What do you want me to say? This one is black," he picks up one of my shirt, "and this one is a faded version of black?" He grabs another one and holds both of them up for me to see.

"You know what," I pick up the one piece that is nearest to me and pull it over my head. "There. Settle." I smooth down the wrinkles with my hands and I brush away the black locks that cover my eyes.

"I still prefer the previous one." Magnus says.

"What previous one?" I frown at him. He gets up from the couch he'd been lounging in for at least thirty minutes and closes our distance in one big step. I still can't get used to him being this near to me and my lungs won't ever learn how to breathe when he's around.

He leans in and whisper to me although we're the only ones in his apartment,

"The one where you're not wearing a shirt." His breathe tickles my neck and my mind suddenly flashes a white rod.

"Oh shit. Alec-"

He saw it before I could control them and I'm curious to know where had he learn to be so prepared and ready. I'm always on the verge or sitting at the edge. Like I said, I'm a ticking bomb.

"I'm fine." I say and blink a few times. It's gone. As I get older, they don't last too long and sometimes it's very minor like the one I just experienced.

"Are you sure?" He asks, worries etching his perfect complexion and I feel sorry for causing it. I nod and the bell rings.

"That must be Ragnor." He says and turns to walk to the door but he looks over at me still wearing the unsure expression.

"I'm alright. Go, it's important." I tell him and he suddenly turns all the way to face me again and he holds me by my arm and this gesture is something I'm getting used to. His hands on me his fingers clutching me his touch are keeping me from falling apart.

"You're important." He says quietly and I am drowning with his affection.

"But I'm fine." I tell him again and he kisses my nose. There must be something to him about my nose. I just can't figure it out yet.

"I know you are. I'm just letting you know that you're important to those around you."

Including you? I ask through my eyes but I never expect him to answer me. And he didn't. He smiles and he let me go and I stay in his room.

I hear soft murmurs coming from the outside and I know Magnus is discussing works with Ragnor. I've known Ragnor for a few months now and he's a good guy. He helps Magnus a lot and I can see Magnus trust him with the same amount of production.

"Alexander, can you come out here for a minute?" Magnus calls me and I drop the book I've been reading onto his side desk. I see Ragnor turning around to look at me and I nod my head at him.

"Didn't know you were in there." He greets me and I see Magnus rolling his eyes.

"Eyes off my property, Fell." He says.

"I can't even look at him now?" Ragnor counters back and I sit down next to Magnus and he moves a million more closely to me and I try not to blush.

"Your naughty hand has already smudged him without my permission."

"We were shaking hands." Ragnor quirks his eyebrow and I know Magnus is the one being absurd but I like it. I like it how there's someone who thinks I'm worth protection the way I've been giving my siblings. But I won't tell him that.

"I saw the motives that lie behind those fingers." Ragnor rolls his eyes then and I lightly pat Magnus's thigh although my own heart seems to be affected with my own gesture.

"We're going out tonight." Magnus looks at me and I give him a quizzical look.

"He's taking you out for a movie." Ragnor pipes in and I can feel the irritation being emitted by the person next me. He's so close and yet it's never enough for me. We've grew in this relationship some time ago where we both took a next step and I was having doubt, thinking what if I won't look at him the same way when it's over? What if there's no more of those petals if we go straight too far and there's no turning back? What if I make a mistake by thinking that I do deserve him and he wants me as well?

But I realized I was wrong when my soul wanted more than to just touch him. I was wrong when I thought the petals would burn and die yet they multiplied in flutters. I was truly wrong when I thought all he wanted was just a piece of me. There's nothing left of me to offer him except for this constantly beating heart but that as well had been taken by the same person years before. And I wanted the same in return.

I want his heart.

"Thank you. You may go now, Ragnor." Magnus says in annoy and I lost my focus a second or two before I recall the topic.

"That's my cue to leave after all the hard work I did for him." Ragnor's eyes meet mine and he's smiling mischievously. I pretend not to show any comprehension, otherwise Magnus will have to pull his theatre act just for the three of us.

"It's nice seeing you." I tell Ragnor and he flashes me a smile before Magnus roughly shove him out from the apartment.

"Where are we going?" I ask Magnus.

"To a movie."

* * *

The movie was fine. It was nice considering that there weren't as many people in the cinema and I enjoy the kind of privilege with less pair of eyes and less number of ears around us.

"Come here." Magnus pulls me by my wrist and we're walking into a house. Or so I assume until I recognize the draping and the wooden floor and the chandelier dangling with only the small lights reflecting its holiness.

"Do you know where we are?" I ask Magnus although it's obvious he knows and he's hauling me across the floor until we're at the centre of the room.

"Wait here." He says and runs off to a corner and I'm standing very still on my own when the chandelier lights up to its celestial and Magnus comes back into my view.

Music suddenly graces my ears and I don't know how to express myself when I look at him. He walks back right at me and he draws one arm out and say,

"Will you dance with me?"

I take his hand with no hesitation and his arms are around me, strong and warm and present and holding.

"This was where I found my sweet dream and nightmare-left upon me in the form of a sneak kiss and I've been haunted since then." He speaks to me in a low voice and I listen. I hold him tighter and I'm not letting go and I listen.

"This was where a boy caught my attention just with his blue eyes. The same blue eyes that had been tormenting me for four years." We're dancing and he's whispering at me and I'm still breathing.

"This was where I finally found him and I ask him to dance with me and then he left me." We stop dancing. Magnus stops moving and I suddenly feel cold water being splashed right at my spine.

"I found him after four years just to see him ran away from me."

"Magnus," I say but then I stop. I have nothing to say and he's so sure standing before me and my lips are in my power and they're not moving because I don't want them to. I want to hear him speaking. I want to hear him talking but I'm too afraid with words spell out like lyrics to him and I'm a broken poetry.

"I'm not letting him go this time." He says, his jaw tensing slightly under the light and I'm rigid in my bones.

"I'm not watching him leave me again." My veins aren't working and I have no pulse.

"I've cared too much of him and I don't want him for a long time anymore." He says and my eyes are tearing apart with the sincere in his eyes.

"I want you forever." He tells me and my skin are like cotton candy; surreal and weightless.

"I love you, Alexander. I really do."

My eyes are two pools of emotions I can't describe. My hands are two puppets that work only with my head and right now, my head is a thousand things too far from thinking. I'm only hearing his voice and he's saying to me that he loves me and I won't speak.

He pulls out something from his pants and it's a necklace with a ring on it. A modest silver ring with words carves on it.

_Blue Eyes_

"I'd like you to have this." He puts it on me and I'm a second too late from recovering.

"You keep giving me things but I don't have anything to give you." I say, holding his hands in mine in hope that he'll understand my withering self-possessed.

"You've already given me so much, Alec. All I ask is a life with you. Will you have it?" He asks me, looking into my eyes seeking something that he should know had belonged to him the first day we met. So I tell him,

"Only with you."

He kisses me and I thaw and melt and freeze all over with his touch, with his ever being of control and knowing tomorrow. I tell myself that this is right. There's no space for doubts and questions when there is tomorrow. And with it comes answers.

I welcome him with solid assuredness of knowing that I'll be his last. I hold him for the unwavering trust he held in me for the past months and I embrace him with gratitude for remembering me ever since I was twelve.

Lastly, I kiss him to believing that he'll always remember me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment! ;)


	9. Alexander Lightwood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is basically Magnus's side of the story. We get to discover his feelings from their first encounter up until the previous chapter. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 9: Alexander Lightwood

It wasn't when I walked into the house and he was climbing down the stairs with his head down and he asked me my name. It wasn't when he quietly walked away when I told him to and it wasn't when he kissed me when he thought I was sleeping.

I was nineteen and he was so small. Smaller than any kids his age I've seen before and yet the way he held himself I could hardly see the cracks on him that children normally holds. He was the perfect example of a well brought-up product. Until I witnessed his flaws.

I was shocked but I recovered quickly to help him in any way I possible could. And what took me off guard was when I reached out to him and he pushed me away. He was shaking on his skinny legs and his trembling hands were by his side and he pushed away my steady and conscious limbs. I didn't know what he was trying to prove but I wasn't amazed.

I was enchanted.

How could a boy of twelve years old demand himself of self-control when he was only a child? How could he even think for a moment that he would be able to stand up straight on his own when he seemed to lose all of his bearings?

I was attracted to him in a way that I wanted to know how this boy would grew up to be. And I met him four years later to know that he hadn't changed much and instead, he'd grew a lot stronger and brittle on the unseen edges he hid thoroughly. I was very determined to heal it that I forgot he was only sixteen. He was still the wise one but he never learned to conceal his heart from preying eyes and I was so scared that he would fall wrong.

But then I thought-how right was I for him?

I watched him ran off and I knew I went too far. He was still a white sheet on the inside and his exterior hurts me unpredictably. It was as if the world was made for him to be unhappy. And the worse bit was that he seemed gladly to welcome it.

I told myself that one day I would make that boy happy.

The moment I laid eyes on the boy playing by himself near the water I was hit with morsels of the past. But then my eyes travelled to the young man watching him not too far away and I knew my instinct was right.

I approached the boy in attempt to get the older version of him towards us. I intentionally kept my front view away from the young man and I wanted to know if he would recognize me from the first glance. I could easily assume that the boy was his little brother. The same black hair, pastel skin colour that shy away from the sunlight and hadn't been tainted with anything and the only difference were the grey pearls in his eyes.

It almost felt like déjà vu when his brother suddenly spasm and at that moment, I was too overcome with it I didn't get to help him. The young man, now older and a lot more composed than I remember him to be was there in a flash and I thought time was fooling with me. It was messing with my memories as I watched the two brothers fought for life. When I look at both of them, I couldn't differentiate who was in more pain; the younger or the older.

He lied. I couldn't figure out why but he lied about his name to me and I was still trying to play dumb. I knew it was useless with him. He's the only person I've ever met that has never fail to unravel people with a glance of the deep blue see he holds as a pair. I've been judged, bullied, ignored and many more but for once I felt like those eyes were not in quest of defects like many others. Instead, they gleams trust that they themselves dearth of.

I tried to protect him at the party. I really did but I saw the small rejection he gave himself and I was in no place to amend it. I was still hanging loose with those around me and I wanted to keep it that way. That's why I found it strange when I didn't mind his company or the possibility of being tied down to someone like him. I have much love in me and I find giving him even a small shard of it makes me the happiest person in the world. And that's how our small meetings in the park ignite something in me.

The kiss was however unexpected. I never wanted him to push himself on me and I hope I could tell him one day that I wasn't really drunk that night. I was merely trying to get on his nerves and that might've come out beneficial for one of us. And I meant me. Being twenty-seven years old, it was with all ashamed yet pride to think that I would never kiss him even when my heart screams for it. He was irresistible in his own way and I couldn't bring myself to imagine how it would feel like to lay a finger on him.

My own blue eyes. My very fragments of the purpose of my life.

Alexander Lightwood.

A friend.

A lover.

An angel.

A heart stealer.

A broken half.

A missing another.

I wish he knows how much I care for him. I wish one day he'd realize that aside from his siblings, there is someone else with no blood connection that adore him just the same and maybe more. I wish he'll stop treating himself like nothing. He is everything.

In him, I found how life could be unfair in the most silent approach, how his strength builds up people around him while he collapse on his own insecurities and how all he thinks of are his siblings.

"I think me and Isabelle will be great friends." I told him when I spent the night on his birthday.

"What makes you think that?" Alec asked me and I like how his face seemed to lighten up with the thought of his sister.

"She's already giving me some quality time with you and Max is a smart boy for his age."

Alec hummed, nodding his head and then he asked me again,

"What about Jace?"

"He hates me." I told him straightforwardly.

"What? No. Jace doesn't hate people." Alec told me and I knew he wasn't lying.

"Maybe not. But he seems very protective of you from the way he acts."

"What do you mean?" He looked at me and I saw years of vain dreams in his eyes. I wanted to give him a dream. An endless dream.

"You would know if you'd listen to our talk at the table just now."

"I was listening." Alec frowned.

"You weren't, Alexander. You got caught up with your own head." At that, he smiled shyly as if being out of his order were something he rarely does. Maybe it is.

At one point I realized that there's nothing more I want than to spend the rest of my years with him. And even when he stops loving me, when fate wants to bring us apart and when life's desire is to see him with another person, I will still keep my eyes on him.

Alec had been that extra something in my teenage life. Now, he is everything I would want for life. I will be his knight just as he is to Jace and Isabelle and Max. I will be his shades under the sun, his missing note in a tone, his wandering gazes that steals nothing but remnants of existence, his shapeless warmth that covers the whole of him from the harsh cold and his unwavering heart that beats only for him.

I am in love. And I am determined to make him feel the same. I want him to know what it's like to feel safe, secure, loved and many more that I could give him. I want him to be a person that he wants and not what he's expected to be.

I remember him telling me that those scars he had on his back were for his incompetent in keeping his brother and sister in line. I told him that's not true.

I remember him saying that he failed his family by having the sickness and passing it down to Maxwell. I told him he was being ridiculous.

I remember him whispering to me that he doesn't deserve any of what I'm giving him. That he was something much too far from complex and he was trivial. I silenced him with a kiss.

Words are like honey. People are like bees. They work hard to sweeten their lives with the edges of their lips but when threats and imperfections flames their whole efforts, they sting like others worth nothing. They sprout hideous venom that might take a life or two with the wrong heart to keep on believing.

I'm scared to give him words that might worth nothing if one day God decided to change my heart. And that it won't beat for him again. Or maybe I would leave him too soon.

But I know it's unfair to keep him only through gestures when all he needs is me truly being by his side.

Every day I seek for forgiveness. I hope that what I'm doing won't hurt both of us in the future. I know he's scared because in this relationship, he's the younger one and he has no experience or authority that he can pull on me and that makes him adorable and tamely wild. What he doesn't know is that I'm scared as well.

I'm always careful not to hurt him because he's been hurt too much already. I'm always telling him what's true about him in a way no one else could. I'm always keeping him safe whenever he's around me and I'm always making sure to give him space whenever he finds me wrong. When he decided that I'm not the one. And although it will hurt, I won't stop him if he leaves. I keep reminding myself that this is for him, not me.

But then I find it hard to believe that he would ever leave me. I was his first and he seems very determine to make me his last. He doesn't know I pray every night for the same thing.

It terrifies me sometimes, when I come to think of a time when he's not around me and I feel naked. But then all of a sudden, he's there. He's always there.

I could never predict Alexander Lightwood. He surprises me every day with a new side of him and I love him even more. I hope his believe stays with me.

Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ideas for the next chapter, please? *kisses


	10. Losing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, first thing first. You guys rock! Thank you so much for the kudos. I can't thank you enough. Now, before I say anything further, do read this chapter and enjoy it before you reach the notes at the end. ;)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink
> 
> Warning: This chapter might get a little too suffocating for some readers. Here's a guide; take a deep breath and don't let go.

Chapter 10: Losing You

A call came.

It was Ragnor.

He said there was an accident.

He's at the hospital and he's waiting.

I wasn't moving. My feet won't move my body won't budge my eyes won't blink and my heart stop.

Until my mind screams to me of Magnus.

And I was running. I'm running from whatever I was doing to the only thing that matters, towards the one person I've cared since I was twelve and I know he cares the same.

I've always been able to tell when something was going to turn wrong or end up bad and I didn't expect this. I don't know what made me think that the conscious I usually hold for my siblings would do the same for me in the case of Magnus and it didn't.

When Max fell off from the cradle, I had this voice telling me that he was going to fall and when Isabelle dropped the frying pan from the stove, the voice was also telling me that it would happen. They would warned me if Jace was about to get into trouble or if Max was going to have seizure or if Isabelle was going to get hurt.

But they didn't tell me of Magnus and I'm at loss.

I am walking my body is moving my heart is still beating and my mind is an empty buzzing squish with walls that echoes. I hear nothing but sound. I see nothing but light. And they come with dull.

The distance to get to the hospital has never been farther and I keep my head counting. I'm not losing myself and I'm steeling for whatever is coming. And the only thing that's wrong in the picture this time is Magnus.

No. That's wrong.

Everything is wrong when it comes to me.

I'm at the entrance. My feet are stable my legs are strong my body is rigid and I'm willingly moving. I'm walking and walking and counting and walking taking steps after steps when I spot Ragnor.

What is this conundrum?

I'm suffocating from my own lungs. I'm drowning from my own heartbeats. I'm losing to my own system of living and I'm soulless.

"Alec." Ragnor looks at me and I don't know what he sees and I hope he sees nothing and I realize; I am nothing.

I'm falling.

This is about Magnus.

I'm still falling.

I need to get myself in control.

"Where is he?" I ask him and Ragnor is still looking at me.

"Where is he?" I ask again and he won't speak. His eyes on me and he doesn't know the next second he waste is the next second further from Magnus and I'm constantly dying from my inside.

"Ragnor, please-"

"He's in the ICU." Four words. Like bullets. And I'm still standing. Alive.

How is my heart still functioning when I know the one holding it is fighting for life?

I should be dead.

I don't want to die.

But I'm not living without Magnus.

I'm selfish.

I know.

"The nurses are still checking him. Don't worry. Catarina is in there with him." Ragnor tells me and I'm about three seconds too late to remember Catarina.

She's a friend of Magnus as well and she's kind. I've known her working as a nurse since we met and I still don't feel the comfort reaching to me. And Ragnor ask me the one thing that is far too impossible.

I will always stay worried.

Ragnor is still looking at me and I give him a nod. Of what I'm not sure myself but that one small gesture seems to have an effect on him.

I don't realize him pulling me by my wrist. I don't remember him pushing me down onto a chair and I'm sitting.

And we wait.

We wait.

I'll always wait.

* * *

Apparently, it started with an old lady and a dog. Both of them were fine and the one who paid the price was Magnus.

A broken rib. Internal bleeding. Ruptured spleen. And brain contusions.

They fixed everything to the possibilities of repair. Those will heal through time.

But they can't wake him up.

He's in coma.

That's the term they used.

He's just sleeping.

That's what I told myself.

Magnus rarely shares with me of his background. I know his mother died when he was small and he stayed with his father until he graduated.

He rent an apartment in Brooklyn, the one we're staying in now. I remember him telling me that he wanted to get a place in Manhattan but he didn't mention exactly where.

I hope my instinct was right when the hunch kicked in and I remember him grinned.

* * *

Ragnor stood up all of a sudden by my side and I look around blinking too many times my eyes complaint.

"How is he?" He asks and I know he's not talking to me.

Catarina looks exhausted and she still tries to pull a smile for me and I grimace internally. She looks at both of us and I see her gulp and I keep my mouth sealed.

"He's in a grave condition." She speaks and I wish she hadn't. I've never heard this side of her before; sympathetic and unnerving. And then I realized she's in a uniform and she's a nurse.

I must've given away something on my face because she turns completely to me and this time she speaks with a hushed tone.

"He's sedated from the surgery and his body is healing from the trauma. He's still fighting, Alec."

I don't know what to say. I just nod.

"Can we see him?" Ragnor asks, reading the furthest thought in my head and I don't know whether to feel grateful or repulsive.

I think Catarina said something but I can't hear her. I can't hear any of them as they half-pull-half-drag me towards Magnus and I feel cold all over me.

I think I might've struggled or maybe it's only in my mind and I'm still being hold by Magnus's friends and I like it for once.

I like my life for once.

He's on the bed. He looks fine to me. Perfectly fine aside from the unwarranted purplish bruise on his face and the tubes and wires and plain hospital gown he's dressed in.

I bet the moment he wakes up he would complain about it.

"Alec, come here."

They're both already by his side and I'm stuck in between agony.

What is this?

I walk, I think I walk and I'm close enough to see his closed eyes and yet I'm too far. I want to reach out, to touch him and at the same time I have no right.

My touch could kill him.

Something's wrong-

"He can hear you." Catarina speaks and I wonder if I've said something.

"I can let you stay but only for a while." She smiles and Ragnor looks at me just the same and my eyes are still on the beauty lying down unconscious.

I realized they left and I sit down on an empty chair and I contemplate on holding his hand. I didn't.

"I'm sorry." I managed those two words like an expert.

I'm too lost. I don't know what to do.

"Magnus."

Silence.

"Please wake up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know it's short. But I bet you didn't see it coming, did you? Or maybe you did. :P
> 
> I'll have a hard time writing and updating constantly like I used to since a new beginning is coming and I hope all who's reading will stay reading me in the future.
> 
> As for the ideas that I'm eternally grateful for, they will make appearances in the future chapters as part of flashbacks while Magnus is still in a coma.
> 
> That's all for now. Leave me your thoughts! *kisses


	11. No Other Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for the kudos, my sweet readers and sorry for the delay. Here is the first flashback and may I remind you that the genre is angst so don't get mad with me, alright? ;)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 11: No Other Place

Maybe it was the talking.

Maybe it was the questions and answers that didn't flow together.

Maybe it was those small acts that went around.

Maybe it was my behaviour.

Maybe it was just supposed to go in a particular way.

Like what Magnus said; everything's written for a reason.

* * *

Father is sitting silently on the couch. He's not moving and I'm keeping my gaze on him. The moment I look away would be the moment I let go of everything he'd taught me these past years and I don't want that.

I've told him. I told him everything and I didn't leave out a single detail because that's how much I respect him and it shows how much I still wants his declaration of loving me.

I believe he does. But I doubt.

A man should never doubt. I wonder if he still looks at me as a man but he's not saying anything. Why won't he say something?

"I want you out from this house by the weekend. Is that clear?"

His voice tells nothing but instruct. His tone gives nothing but command. His speech struck unwaveringly and I nod like how I expect I would and I think it's one of the easiest things I've done this year.

"Yes."

"Don't get me wrong. You're old enough to leave and the others are capably well on their own."

I would never say he's wrong in any circumstances. He's always right. Even when everything seems wrong, the one person I would always believe in would be Robert Lightwood and no other. He's always right. Father is always right.

But deep down in my heart, there's this voice that's been asking me to let go since I was small. There's this voice, soft and different from normal voices that's telling me to let go since I started to understand. It begs me to let go the moment he laid hands on me and not for my mistakes alone. Those scars I'm bearing are half mine and half others. My siblings. I love them. So much.

"Would you still let me see my brothers and sister?"

A deep breath.

A silent sigh.

A normal sight.

Moving lips.

"What makes you think I will stop you from seeing them? You're only moving away Alexander but you're still a Lightwood."

For the first time in twenty-two years, I dare myself to look up and straight at him and I see the same man. I still see the well-brought up man that's been nurturing his sons with qualities that I doubt could be duplicate the same.

And yet Jace is so much like him. Jace, the one with no blood connection and I'm a perfect waste of time. I'm a ruined monster.

"However," he clears his throat and I'm back facing my father, "I would advise you not to involve your siblings with your own life now. I don't want them to get influenced."

I exhale slowly. I rub my fingers smoothly and I quirk a small smile quietly.

"I understand."

That day, for the sake of Magnus I let go of my siblings. For the sake of my own good, I trust my heart to think they would be fine and I hold on to the faith that Jace would be better at taking care of them than I ever was.

I was never a good brother anyway.

* * *

"What are you doing?"

Max asks me and I don't remember the door was open and he's staring at me and my bag.

"Come in." I tell him and he walks in, closing the door behind him and settling himself on my bed. He's not a little kid anymore. Am I still seeing the small boy?

"You're leaving." He states. I nod.

"You know he's wrong. What father said." Max speaks and I freeze. My hands hang in the air with a pile of clothes between my fingers and I look at my brother like I've never seen him before.

"Yes, I was at the door. I listened. But you're not going to get angry with me." Max says and I fight the urge in between to smile and to frown. Who is this young man?

I put away my clothes and I sit down next to him and he didn't flinch. Max is sixteen and he's stronger than I ever was and I pray for him to always be strong. I don't want him to be like me.

"And why am I not going to be angry with you?" I ask him and I see in his eyes something different.

"Alec, you've stopped being mad at me since last year." He replies and I notice the usage of words in his sentence.

"I'm never mad at you, Max."

"I know. You just want me safe."

I don't say anything.

"You've changed." Max tells me and I gulp absentmindedly.

"You're not the same Alec I used to know. Magnus did this to you."

I'm still quiet. I listen and I let him talk while I could still hear his voice sounding so sincere to me. Just for me.

"It's not a bad thing, you know. Being different made me see you in a new way. Better."

"Max-"

"If only I could understand why you did all those things before, when you won't let me join anything in school and you acted like the house is the best thing that's happened to you and that I should think the same. You were faking it until I met Magnus."

"What are you trying to say?" I ask him, in curiosity and wanting to figure him out.

"I want to know why you did it. Why you were trying so hard to keep me away from the world." He's staring at me and I won't let him in. I'm not letting anyone, especially him to see what's broken inside me and yet I want to know how he thinks of me; one of the things that matters to me.

I wasn't keeping him from the world. I was keeping him from what's inside the house. The residents. One of them. Our father.

"Maybe I was just a kid back then to understand but no matter how many times I tried, I could never unravel you, Alec."

He's speaking like a man. He is a man. Maxwell is a better man than I ever was or will be.

"Tell me. I won't stop you from leaving but the least appreciation you could give me is an explanation." He's too smart. Like I am.

"I was being who I am." One sentence from me and his smile is gone, replaced with displeased.

"I don't know what to tell you, Max. I'm trying to be a brother to you." I quickly add and I know it doesn't help and I'm grimacing internally. I don't know what's wrong. It's just too much.

"Is that truly it?" He stares at me and I've never been afraid before. I'm scared of what he sees other than a pair of plain blue.

"Yes."

"What about Magnus?"

"What?"

I'm confused.

"What makes him more special than us? You don't fake it. You aren't afraid to show yourself to him. But why can't we get the same?"

Max is wrong about that. I'm always afraid when I'm with Magnus. I'm afraid that when I've gotten too comfortable with bliss I'd forgot the feeling of agony.

"Did Jace ask you to say all of this?"

Max looks totally taken aback and if I could erase what I just said, then I would. With no doubt.

"I guess this one won't change. Your skill in diverting is indubitable." He gets up and walk straight to the door and I don't think he see me reaching out to catch his arm because I never did. I don't want to touch him. I don't deserve to touch him. I don't want to hurt him more.

He's gone the moment I look up and in my head is questions of how much I could love him, all of them like I love Magnus.

* * *

He comes into my room that night. So quietly I wasn't sure whether it was a dream or a trick. But Max is approaching me and I sit up slowly letting the blanket fall off from me.

"Alec?" He whispers.

"What is it?" I whisper back.

"Can I sleep with you?" He asks softly and in the dark I can't see his face and I wonder what's wrong and I don't ask. I don't answer him. I move aside to let him settle down next to me.

"Were you sleeping?"

"Not really."

"Alec?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry." I fight myself not to look away from the ceiling and towards my little brother.

"What for?"

"I lied to you."

"About what?"

Now he's looking at me and I can't force myself to stay rigid and my head turns against my will and I'm staring into grey pearls.

"I do understand. I know you don't want me to but I get it."

I don't know when had Max grow up to be wise enough to talk the way he did but then I realized something; he's grown so much like Jace and I can't lie that I'm not happy. Jace is better than I am.

I'm nothing.

I'm supposed to be his brother.

"You'll come home sometimes, right? You won't leave me with Jace and Isabelle in the house?"

There's something in his speech that flutters me and I catch the meaning behind those words.

"You'll have to stand up for yourself when I'm not around." I tell him and he makes a sort-of pout with his lips and I'm back seeing a small boy.

"Just come home once in a while, alright?"

I nod and he smiles and I'm so proud of myself I can't bring my head up.

Max falls asleep a few minutes later and I search his face for something, anything and I don't know what it is I'm looking for.

My head messes with me- making me think that he'd actually ended up like me and he came into my room and he sleeps on my bed with me and I think it's one of the moment when I'm really his brother.

I'm sorry. Is what I always tell him. I care for him. Is what I will never stop showing him.

But I don't know whether I love him right.

I don't know if what I'm feeling for my siblings is actually real and true, not based on warning and scolding and hitting.

Am I horrible like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I losing it? Please let me know. It's been awhile and I might have lost the touch.
> 
> Max is really vocal in this chapter, isn't he? I know it's not much but I wanted to show you how he reacted to Alec moving away and I hope that was fine. Anything you don't understand, feel free to leave a comment or two.
> 
> Until next time. :)


	12. Come Back To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for the kudos my lovely readers and I can't tell you how grateful I am that you're still reading this. Carry on to the next flashback. Leave me your thoughts. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 12: Come Back To You

The only lie I've ever told Magnus was when I told him my name was Simon.

I've never lied to him again ever since.

I never lied to anyone else.

Except for me.

I can't seem to stop lying to myself.

And I don't see myself stopping.

* * *

It's been a day. It's been a day that I'm officially living with Magnus and the one thing that's bothering me is my phone.

It's not ringing.

It's not supposed to ring and I'm waiting for it to ring. For one of them-any of them; Jace, Isabelle or Max to call me and say that they need me back at home.

But they don't and I don't know what to think how to feel should I feel?

No.

And then I'm back to questioning myself on how I love them whether I'm actually loving them. My head is a puzzle I hope to solve and ruin all the same.

"Alexander…"

The way my name rolls off his tongue never fails to do things, many indescribable things to my inside. It's like getting a surgery-you're hurt and you're being cut open and you bleed and when it's all over, you're a brand new soul.

But the pain lingers.

His arms wrap comfortingly around me I feel suffocated and free all at once. He's the only one that can hold me like I might break and stay real. Always.

Magnus is…

There are no words I could use for him. No words have been created yet just for a being like him. No words that could precisely describe a person like Magnus.

All that I can think of when I'm with him is how nice he smells-of sandalwood and secure and how warm he feels-so warm I forget what coldness means and his eyes-how his eyes sprout confidence in me.

Max is right.

I'm a new person when I'm with him.

"Yes?"

"Could you please stop making me feel uncomfortable?"

I spin around so quickly I took my own breathe away and then I'm face to face with Magnus and I've never been alive. Standing so close so near to him makes me wonder how nice it is to have grown so tall only to meet someone taller than you and it's like we're both made for each other.

And I've never stop thinking how I'm not meant for him. He deserves so much more. He deserves someone better.

But for now, please let me keep him by my side until there's a moment where he'll let go and I'll try to stay alive on my own.

Even if it's impossible.

No. Not if.

It is impossible.

"What did I do?" I ask him and he smiles and I will myself to feel happy for a second.

"That's the problem. You're not doing anything."

His eyes on mine and I'm drowning. I'm drowning with amber that lights so much of love it hurts me. It heals and it cures and it gives pain all the same.

"You look like I'm keeping you hostage in this apartment." Magnus carries on and my lips are shut for I'm forever thirsty of his melody that waters those petals.

Yes.

Those petals. They're growing more and more for every moment I hang on. For every moment I'm letting him in. And for every moment I believe he cares.

"Distract me." I tell him and he quirks his eyebrow and I let a small smile slip pass the edge of my lips and I feel the petals blossoms even more.

"Have I told you the real reason I sneaked into your parents' room?"

I remember being twelve and he was nineteen and I was small and I don't know why but a sudden embarrassment creeps up to me and I try swallowing it down so that I could hear him.

"No."

"Well, come here."

He pulls me to his bedroom our bedroom since last night and we sat next to each other on the bed and his arms circling me protectively I've never felt safer. Magnus seems to really like cuddling and I want to give him as million as I can my embrace.

"Where should I start?" He exhales slightly and I move with the rhythm of his body just to feel like we're sharing the same lung.

"What were you trying to steal?" I ask him and he looks genuinely surprised.

"You really still think I was stealing?" He asks with absurdity and I frown.

"Then what were you doing?"

He shrugs slightly and he kisses my nose and I can't count how many years I'm this happy.

"What do you think I was doing?" He asks me and I turn around faintly to meet his gaze.

"Magnus, you're supposed to distract me. Not being annoying." I told him softly and he catches the mischief I seldom pronounce.

"Aren't you distracted?" He asks in the same small tone and I nuzzle even more in him.

"No."

He sighs and I stare into nothing until he speaks again.

"They're fine. You know that."

"I know." I tell him. I really do.

"Jace and Isabelle will look after Max. I bet he won't want you to worry too much over a sixteen-years-old." He's joking, I know he is but I don't know how to prevent the knife from slicing deep.

I'm bleeding for my own comfort.

"I'm not worried." I utter those words like venoms and I continue talking when Magnus doesn't shifts and he stays true next to me.

"I'm not worried about them, Magnus. I know they're perfectly fine and happy. But…"

"But what?" He whispers and how I wish I could tell him anything, everything.

"I don't know."

He sighs and I inhales deep. I wait for something, anything of his reaction and what I get is something I can't explain.

He starts to talk.

"I was looking for your dad's suitcase. I went into his office and I couldn't find it. I got too anxious I didn't think you'd hear me."

I'm as quiet as I remembered myself to be when I forced the seizure to stop on my will. I remember holding it down until my lips bleed because I bit on them and I remember feeling the hurt double from unreleased pain. I'm quiet as I listen to him.

"There was this case. I don't remember what it was but I got paid to steal it from your house. Your mother paid me enough, more than what I usually get even when I told her I didn't do much. You were a very good boy."

I sit up and I whirl my head to fix my eyes on his and I can see glazing orbs and I wonder what's hurting him. I want him to stop. I want him to stop talking and I want him to know that I don't want to know about it.

So I stop him with the only method I know how.

I kiss him.

"What's that for? I'm not done yet." He asks me when I pull apart and I can't look at him.

"Stop." I tell him.

"Don't you want to know whether I took it or not? Or did I steal something else from your house?"

"I don't want to know." I say to him.

He seems to understand somehow that he pulls me towards him and we're back to default. I'm in his arms and he can feel me. He feels my beating heart and it screams more than just for touch.

It screams for this feeling to never end.

It seeks for unending love.

It seeks for Magnus.

* * *

I didn't want to remember that night differently. I didn't want to recall our first meeting in any other way. I don't want to see him like another person.

I want him just like Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, this chapter was set to be posted last week. I know, last week! I'm so sorry but some things came up and I hope with the reassurance that the next chapter will follow soon, we won't have to deal with any internal struggles anymore. ;)
> 
> By the way, last week I turned 18, finally! And you know what's the best part was? I got so many wishes and one of it was from my crush. *blushes
> 
> Enough of that. Leave me your most precious thoughts, alright?
> 
> See you soon. xoxo


	13. Love Me Right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the wait. Internet and I had a crisis where we were unable to 'connect'. This is one of the flashbacks and there are only a couple more until we get back to the present. Anyone excited for it? ;)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 13: Love Me Right

I guess I was trying hard not to show how much I wanted to get out from the house. I guess I was trying too hard not to make it obvious by pretending like I was reluctant to leave.

I was.

But then how am I this carefree?

Why am I not worried when I know there are still things that need to be set right?

Why am I telling myself that this is right?

Why am I comforting myself with lies I know comes deep from somewhere in me I call fake hopes?

I just need an escape.

But right now that is unavailable.

Because trouble is inevitable.

Trouble is me.

* * *

"Alec, I think I'm pregnant."

Those aren't words. They're something that makes your heart squeeze and contract and you're breathing when you don't feel like you are. They're knives that cut you off from your oxygen supply when one minute you're fine and the next you're collapsing.

"Izzy." I swallow what I think was courage but then my sister is shaking trembling under a force I can't take off of her. She's crying and I'm staring at her when her eyes seek for answers I can't give.

"Are you sure?" I ask her when I feel like my vocal cords are ready to support me. My heart at the moment was still in chaos.

"I don't want to be." She says and I understood her. A month after I leave this house, after I let go of every doubts in me and I return to be embrace by something I don't remember. Is this how it was like to be the older one?

I don't remember.

I forgot because Magnus taught me how to forget.

"Do you know who the father is?"

"No." She sniffs and she shakes her head like she lost her mind and I wonder if she is still the same Isabelle.

"I was drunk that night." She continues with the same amount of valour that resembles nothing of my sister. And only then I realize I'm looking at a different Isabelle.

I'm looking at her being scared.

I don't remember the last time she was this scared.

"Mother is gonna kill me."

"No one's killing you." I quickly say, voice stern and soft.

I don't really remember what happened next. I'm still in the house, walking towards the kitchen or something and the news that Isabelle had just delivered passed through my mind like misery in clouds.

It's not the future that I'm afraid of.

It's the now for being present.

"Max."

Maxwell is sitting on a stool near the island when I reach the kitchen. He has a book in his hands and I can't shake off the image of someone with the precise colouring doing literally the same thing.

I don't want him to be like me.

I want Max as Maxwell himself.

"Hi Alec."

"What are you reading?" I ask, walking towards him and I'll always be proud with the absence of flinch coming from my brother.

I am not that monster anymore.

"A journal."

My eyebrows quirk faster than the question in my mouth and he beat me to the next sentence.

"Have you seen Jace?"

"No." I shake my head and walk to the sink. A clear glass in my hand and I'm still trying to remember Isabelle's words.

"Where is he?" I ask Max and his eyes are still glued to the pages that demands attention through letters and alphabets.

I used to get addicted to them because I know they tell no lies with their vocabulary and grammar. Not like people.

"Out. He'll be back soon." I nod my head and I see the refrigerator. A cold drink would be nice to ease this burn.

"I won't drink that if I were you."

"Why not?" I look at the drink in my hand and a flash of Magnus wrapping my fingers with his swim across my memory and I love him even more.

I love him more every minute I stop counting and start living.

"That's Izzy's. Jace did something to it and Izzy hasn't found out yet. She's been getting sick lately. I wonder how Jace is going to survive this one." Max says and my eyes are round with comprehension I'm relieved to welcome.

"Why would Jace do that?" I ask while disposing the drink into the trash. I feel sorry for my sister and angry towards my brother.

"They bet on something. I don't know what it was but you know it's not possible to get Izzy to do things for you even when she lost the game." Speaking like a member of the Lightwood.

I leave Max to his book and I decide to stay in Jace's room until he returns which is five minutes later.

"Why are you in my room?" He asks and after a month, I'm looking at someone else.

This is not Jace Lightwood.

This is not the same Jace that I left with trust that compiles no other. This isn't the brother I grew up with.

I'm seeing someone else in him.

I'm seeing Robert.

"What happened to you?" I ask with my voice dangling over something and I know this meeting won't end well.

Not with this Jace. A stranger.

"What do you mean? Get off from my bed, will you?" It was pleads bonded with roughness and I stand up quickly from my spot as he drops his bag to the floor.

"Where have you been?"

"Why do you care?" His eyes, so golden so amber so light is two orbs of colour I know not the definition of. What is wrong with him?

"I'm your brother." Saying that myself had never felt so foreign until that moment and I know because I see the look on Jace's face.

"Since when? You left, remember?" He brings his hand to his hair and he brushes them roughly I pity those dishevelled blonde locks.

"Jace, is there something wrong?"

He freeze and I wait and he doesn't speak.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything's fine. I'm taking a shower and meanwhile, could you please entertain yourself somewhere else?" He says and my feet move as my head commands.

I follow my brother to the bathroom and before he could lock the door I slip in with him.

"What the hell, Alec! Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"I heard you clearly. You said somewhere else." I joke and it didn't reach him. Nothing seems to reach him. Not even me.

"I don't have time for this. Get out."

"No." I say stubborn enough to make Jace sound like the older one.

"Then you'll have to watch me shower. Is that what you want?"

I'm speechless not for his words but the way they sprout from his lips. He moves to the tub and I block his path and that seems to annoy him even more.

"Jace, tell me what's wrong. I can help you." I reach out again in attempt to get a hold of my brother and I can't find him in this state. He's so much like him I'm scared to dive into his head and understand.

"I told you, nothing's wrong. Go away!" His voice rise with every words but what took me off guard was his hand.

He pushes me and I stumble backwards hitting the tub and I'm a heap of mess in white tiles. My head knock the wall and I know people lie when they say they see stars in this situation.

Because all I see is years of friendship crumbling apart.

"Shit! Alec, I didn't mean- sorry-oh my god, you're bleeding."

I see him, after a month I'm finally seeing him and to know that he'll return only with trigger makes me feel scared.

"I'm so sorry. Alec, can you hear me?"

"Apologize to Izzy." I tell him without looking at him and I think I ran back to Magnus's place.

That night, as he holds me in his arms, Magnus never once ask the slight bump or the remains of blood on the back of my head. He just holds me like he always does and I think he knows what I finally know.

I'm seeing something in a completely different way.

And I don't judge myself for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned, there are only a couple of flashbacks left and I'm wondering if there's anything else that you sir, dear readers wish to read next. Let me know in the comments and I'll try to write it.
> 
> Best wishes to everyone.
> 
> Until the next chapter. Thanks for reading! :)


	14. Don't Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reviewing my dear readers. Carry on with the next chapter. Won't want to keep those heart skipping beats, do we? *grins
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 14: Don't Change

I'm staring at Magnus's door. I'm afraid to knock and go in. I'm scared to be with him.

After what had just happened, I've never wanted to leave this place so much like I am right then.

I'm sitting on the floor.

I have nothing but the floor.

I will have nothing but the floor.

* * *

"Are you mad at me?" Isabelle asks. The first thing she says when Jace and her enters Magnus's apartment and my hands are in her grasp. I forgot how to be a brother.

"Why would I be mad at you?" I look at her through black pearls and I see years of youth crumbling for a new life. My sister is pregnant at the age of twenty one and I don't know how to help her. I can't help her.

"Look, if there's anyone I'm mad at right now," my eyes flickers to Jace and he's biting his nail like he always does whenever he knows he's wrong and I'm a heap of conflict with myself, "it's the guy who did this to you."

Isabelle gulps and Jace shifted from where he was standing, leaning and Magnus is still in the kitchen doing who knows what when I clearly need him at the moment.

"It was a mistake." She breathes out and my eyes are found by a pair of translucent golden and I know he knows that I'm aware of his regrets.

It is a mistake. Going out to party late at night, leaving Max alone with his homework while mother and father still at the company and I know right then I should not have left. They were older but who says they weren't still young?

Things went wrong and Jace's own buddy took it out on Isabelle. She was drunk that night. From what I heard, the guy had already paid the price with a few bruises and blows and broken bones and dislocated jaw, gratitude from Jace. Mother and father absolutely have no idea, for now. They even hide it from Max, telling him about a bet and Jace pretending to muddle with Isabelle's food giving the reason why she's been sick.

And all of my light feeling went to drain as the heaviness cloaks me like an old best friend.

"I'm going to be an uncle." I say softly, looking down at my sister's flat belly thinking how it would be bigger in months to come. Surprisingly, I'm not so much worried like how I expect I would be.

"But I'm not ready to be a mother, Alec. I don't know how to raise a child." Fear is so evident is her voice I just want to hug my sister and tell her that everything is going to be alright. But then I would be lying.

Nothing is going to be the same ever again.

"Simon says he wants to marry me." Her new best friend since Clary introduced them to each other. Simon Lewis-a brown-haired bespectacled scrawny guy who studies accounting and a part-time bassist for a band.

"Does he know about the baby?" I ask her.

She nods.

"That's the sole reason why he wants to marry me."

"I don't approve to that idea." Jace finally speaks and I fight for self-content. Our previous meeting was still too fresh in my memory. To make it sound irony, I can still feel the lump at the back of my head.

"Simon's a good guy." I tell him.

"I know he is but I don't think she should carry the baby." Jace says ever so calmly and I don't bother to wonder when have I lost my best friend. He's not the same anymore. None of us are.

"You're suggesting abortion?"

He nods and I could feel Isabelle shaking next to me. I fight to reach out and suddenly I feel the familiar repulse coming on to me. I hate that feeling. Magnus taught me how to hate it. Where is Magnus?

"Are you even in your right mind? What kind of person would do such a thing?" Jace doesn't seem shock at my words but Isabelle does.

"I was thinking of the same thing, you know in case you didn't want to help me." Isabelle explains and I understand why it had crossed her mind but I can't relate to Jace. He has no right to decide it that way. Even as a brother.

"Izzy, I know it's hard on you and it will get tougher but if you think running away is the answer, you're wrong."

"Says the one who took off from the house." Jace mumbles.

"Jace…"

I look at him. Finally, after so long I brace myself to look at my brother and still the same shadow stood behind him, as if proud enough to declare its existence and I curse the man who made me, us the way we are now.

"I didn't run away, Jace."

He crosses his arms and stood straighter.

"Right. You moved away." He frowns and I'm frowning at him.

"Do you have something you want to say to me?" I shift on the couch and I face him as a brother and as a friend. Isabelle got up silently and she's gone behind the walls that separate the living room from the kitchen.

"Now would be a very good time to let it out. I don't want to bleed like last time." I'm being honest. I didn't care about my head. I bled elsewhere.

"It was an accident. You didn't give me a chance to apologize." Jace avoids my eyes and I keep staring at him despite the shadows.

"I know it was an accident. But accident doesn't repeat twice."

Jace let out a sigh and I'm still waiting for him to clear himself from whatever is bothering him.

"I just don't think it is right for Izzy to get married. She's still too young."

"I don't think she should get married either. But abortion won't do any good to us. Especially to her." I softly say, knowing the two could hear us from the kitchen.

"So what is she supposed to do? She's lost, Alec. You're the one who's supposed to help her." Jace glares slightly and comprehension hits me faster than my seizures.

"I will help her. For now, take care of her. I'll discuss things with Magnus." I tell him and again, he glares.

"What about me?"

My eyebrows quirk on their own.

"What about you?"

"Why won't you discuss with me? Why Magnus? We're the one involves. He's an outsider, Alec."

I gulp and I swallow and for so long, I have not tasted dust and my throats jolt at the weird taste.

"You know what, forget it. I forgot who I was talking to. Izzy!" He calls for my sister and he motions to the door. Isabelle let slip a smile at me and they were gone as fast as they had arrived.

"That went well." Magnus says, standing at the archway of the kitchen and looking at me with something I can't see through confused thoughts.

"What?" I let out.

He smiles.

I crumble.

"Well," he breathes deep and walks closer to me but he didn't sit down, "its obvious Jace is going through something. Or should I say all of you are going through something."

"I don't understand what you're saying."

He laughs.

I stay in pieces.

"You remind me of Max sometimes." He says it in a tone of general, like something usual he always let out in a casual conversation and yet I don't know why something snapped.

I see white rods and I'm gripping my own hands and I feel familiar hands holding my head. They hold me, keeping me in places but he doesn't know I'm too far shattered inside.

Max is not like me Max is not like me Max is not like me

I'm breathing hard and he's as calm as usual. His smile is gone but he held no distraught in his expression and I'm still fighting for each beating moment.

"Can I let go?" He asks me and I wanted to say never.

"Don't say things like that. My siblings are nothing like me." I tell him instead.

His frowning and he looks angry and disappointed and he lets go of my face I'm melting from cold loneliness I've never felt since I met him. I feel distant.

"Why do you care so much? I thought I'm the one that matters, Alexander." He whispers and he slowly pulls back.

"You matter the most to me, Magnus."

"And yet you still think that way. Why can't you see what I see? The version of you that I love?" Magnus looks at me and I don't know what he seeks from my eyes so I close them tightly shut only to open them to see him no longer kneeling in front me.

"You can't keep doing this to me, Alec. I can't keep telling you who you're supposed to be what you're supposed to look like. I don't want to create you. I want to love you for who you're really are."

He stops and he inhales and I think it takes much more effort in him to keep talking than for me to keep listening. I think I'll always listen.

"Why won't you let Isabelle marries Simon? He's a good guy, you said it yourself and I know for god sake that anyone who knows Simon knows how much he cares of your sister." Magnus says.

"I don't think she's ready." I rasp out and I don't know why my throat feels dry.

"Or is it you? From my opinion it's you who's not ready, just as you are in our relationship." Magnus stares at me and I didn't avoid his gaze this time.

"I've wanted to propose to you for so long but every time I look at you, I still see the old you. Even for a bit I know they leave scars deeper than I've given you kisses. That's what's been holding me back. But for how long, Alexander?"

I'm silent. Quite. No answer. Not for him, not for me. I forget how to speak. I forget what words do. I forget what actions symbolize. I forget who I am.

"I can't keep this up." Magnus turns around and he walks straight into his, our room and I remember getting up from the couch only to end up halfway towards my lover and now I'm sitting on the floor, hugging my legs close to chest.

I wonder if what he said was true. I wonder if I've been that mean to him. I wonder what I'm supposed to say what I'm supposed to do.

Above all, I'm scared at Magnus for once in my life.

Because I came think that if I could change because of him, what if I've changed him? And all for the wrong reason?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay. We're down to the last flashback and progressions will follow suit after the next chapter. Let me know what you think, as always my faithful reader! :)


	15. Stay With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Who's excited for the present? I know I am since it'll be right after this chapter. Carry on reading! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 15: Stay With Me

Its Isabelle's wedding and I've been distant with Magnus for two months now. I'm surprised on how we're both keeping up with this act and I wonder if the love is still true. I might have lost myself in the bliss.

Maybe I'm not meant to touch happiness. I might've glazed it with my tainted soul and I wonder if sorrow still recognizes me and would ask me to come back and return.

But then we're not the same anymore. We're not the same person, the same mind, the same attitude, the same character. All and all we've fallen for this harsh cruelty of reality.

We grew up.

* * *

Watching Simon holds my sister in his arms albeit skinnier than mine gives me a sort of reassurances that she'll be in good care. Mother and father are still talking with the guests and Jace stay proud next to them.

I can't say I'm truly mad at him. I said it myself they are young and Jace…

My eyes divert to a silhouette, tall and handsome and he's not looking at me. How long are we keeping this up?

I know every second I avoid, my resolution grew out of logic and I'm left with only one decision.

"Alec." Max walks over to me and I've not seen the small boy for so long. He's seventeen and suddenly my head muse on the similarities we held. And I feel no disgust at such thoughts.

"Max, can you get Jace for me? Tell him I have something to say." I ask my brother and he looks shocked for a second. He must've not expected such command.

"I'll wait outside." I add before walking away from Max who is still stunned but then I know he'll be fine. Max is always fine. He's precious like that.

Jace strolls over to me and he shies away from my stare. He keeps walking but he's not looking in front of him and I know what he's trying to hide.

"What is it?" He asks me and I catch the hint of tremble. I didn't answer him immediately. I let the silence settle in and when it feels familiar, I break the comfort.

"Are you worried?" I ask him and he's still not looking at me.

"Of what?" He asks me back and I inhale slowly to say,

"Of us."

Slowly, he turns his head and his golden locks are as always neat and in places, his features as steady and calm as his heart and his eyes shines pearls of sunset.

I'm looking at my brother. My best friend.

"I'm not worried about me. Izzy's married now with Simon and Max is out of high school next year. I'm worried of them." He tells me ever so precise with his words I know his wiser than I'll ever be.

"I'm worried of you too." He adds and my eyes widen without my permission. I stay quiet and I listen. I've never leave that habit behind. It's what I do best.

"I did a lot of thinking before I said yes to this wedding." He says softly, aware of any eyes or ears that might catch our conversation. "I imagined Clary in Izzy's place and you know what? You were right, Alec. I would've never let Clary go through all of that alone."

"Then why are you still holding back with me?" I stare at him and he gapes before taking in my words.

"What do you mean?" He finally says and I let out a small chuckle.

"You're still mad at me, Jace. Although I don't know what it is about." His lips curl slightly at the corner and I think I see a glimpse of white rods in his eyes. How could that be?

"This is why I'm still mad at you." Jace says and he turns completely facing me and he stands so close I feel disorientated. I'm taller and yet he's bigger, stronger. His hands are on my shoulders, gripping them firmly like I might break.

"I'm mad at you because you're always right." He says softly to me and I don't know how to respond to him. He's smiling and his fingers are ten sources of new energy I felt until he let go and they lingers.

I think I've found my old brother back.

"I think I should go now. Someone's been waiting to talk to you." Jace says and he looks past behind me and before I could turn, he's already gone.

Magnus is staring at me the way he usually does and I look around to see only the two of us standing outside.

And right then, my resolution turns solid.

Magnus moves to step forward and I beat him to it as I rush towards him and bump, literally bump into him. I wrap my arms around him and I keep my head, my face pressed onto his chest and I can hear his heart, beating.

I know his hands are hanging, contemplating whether to hold me and I snuggle even more into him and I hug him harder, closer. I inhale once, twice, three times and I'm filled with the scent of sandalwood. I look up to see him looking down and I say to him,

"Marry me."

Those amber orbs I love so much I miss staring into them and getting lost in the shades they provide are suddenly so focused on me and yet the words he let out are of doubts.

"What?"

"Marry me." I repeat for him and for me. I'm so sure I know nothing is going to be wrong.

"Are you sure?" He asks me and I smile despite the blurriness getting into my view and I can't hold back those tears as I kiss him.

That day I told Magnus I want to start anew. That day I ask him to marry me. That day I promise to change for a better future. I leave the old me so that I can stay by Magnus's side and that I'll keep on loving him the right way.

And that day was three years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. That was short. We'll meet again for the present, right?
> 
> Comment! *kisses


	16. Too Far Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for the kudos my dear readers and you have my gratitude for keeping up with this story. Your support means so much to me. Here we are, at the present. A little reminder, angst is making its return (not like it left in the past chapters, didn't it?). *smirk
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 16: Too Far Gone

_He's standing in front me, directly facing me and the hand he's holding isn't mine._

_"Magnus?"_

_He looks at me and I find no resemblance of the person whose name I've just spoken. He looks like Magnus; his jet-black hair his amber eyes his caramel skin his lips I've known so well…_

_"Alexander, I don't think we should stay together…It's best if we can live our life separately…"_

_You know how in movies they inserted loud thunder sound effect and the main protagonist would stay stunned for at least a few seconds before moving on?_

_That's not what happened._

_I know I'm dreaming but somehow different voices merged into noises suffocates me and I can't speak I can't reach out to Magnus I can't do anything. I am hopeless in my own dream._

_My eyes are blinking and his lips are still moving carving out words I do not wish to hear but he keeps on talking and I'm looking down at the hand he's holding._

_Not my hand. Not my hand._

_"…after a while I guess this was just a mistake."_

_He leans forward and I let him steal what may be the last fragment of kisses on my forehead and I revel in this dream even more._

_I don't know why. Don't ask me why._

_"Goodbye, Alexander." He walks away still holding the hand and I stand alone in my own space._

_Until I wake up._

* * *

The hospital graces my visits every day for the past three months and I've seen faces come and go how I hope Magnus would wake up soon. The nurses and doctors know me by name and I smile at every familiar faces I've seen when I walk straight to Magnus's room.

Today is a little bit different though.

I spot Ragnor standing alone at the door and I've never felt the corridor getting longer as the next step I take is shorter.

He's waiting for me. I know he's waiting for me.

Because at the first sound of my footstep he has his head whirling around and his eyes catches mine and I know something is wrong.

Or maybe something is right.

"Ragnor, what is it?" Words that pass my lips sound so weak in my own ears but I'm too concentrated on Ragnor to care of anything.

"Alec," He grabs me by my arms and suddenly he pulls me away from Magnus's door. I try to pull my arms out of his hand but then he let go just so he can grips my shoulders and I'm stuck looking at him.

"I need you to listen to what I'm going to tell you and I want you to keep calm, alright?" He speaks so fast but I understand him just the same and I manage a nod to show him I do understand. His fingers stay on me. Holding me and keeping me together. Just like every day for the past three months.

"Magnus is awake." He whispers and I feel myself go rigid and melt at the same time. Unknowingly, my heart beats again.  _Finally_. I never knew a heart could stop and miraculously continue on beating after three months.

Mine did.

"I want to see him." I say in a rush I forgot Ragnor's order. I guess that's why he's still holding me.

"Catarina's in there with him and the doctor are running some tests on him." There was this edge in Ragnor's tone that made me ask him,

"What's wrong with him?"

Ragnor looks hesitant and I seek his eyes to give me straight answer although I'm scared myself. In my mind are whispers of how Magnus's finally back with me and I'm counting on seconds that passes by how I could repay it in the future when all of our times has been written.

"He doesn't remember anything." Ragnor lets out and I'm suddenly so confused. What?

"What?"

"He woke up and he doesn't recognize me or Catarina. He remembers his own name and he thinks-" Ragnor stops and now it's my turn to grab his wrist.

"Ragnor, tell me. What is it?"

He inhales deeply and I brace myself for the impact. I've been waiting for three months I thought nothing could wreck me even more.

I guess I'll always be wrong.

"He thinks he's nineteen. The last thing he remembered was a party and someone's name." Ragnor explains but I'm too deep into thinking I barely heard him.

Nineteen? Where was I when he was nineteen? Right. I was twelve.

"Alec? Hey." He shakes me a little and my eyes are unfocused as I try to put everything into sense.

"How is he?" I manage to say and I don't know whether I really want to know but I dread to know. What is happening with me?

"He's…fine. The doctor is checking him and Catarina is filling him up with details but that's not what I wanted to tell you. There's something else." He finishes and I quirk my eyebrows at him as indication for him to carry on speaking, while I can still listen and stand straight.

"Camille's in there with him."

Time lapses and I don't know I think my ears' fooling with me but then Ragnor's hands are still on me and I know this is real.

"He remembers her." I speak softly and only the two of us are in the corridor. The world spin faster all of a sudden and I feel my head drop onto Ragnor's shoulder and he lets me. His hands are no longer on my shoulders. Instead they're holding me, the only thing that's keeping me from fading into uncertainty and I'm left with acceptance.

"Ragnor, what am I going to do?" I whisper and I don't think he hears me because he doesn't say anything. We stay like that for a moment until the door opens and the doctor walks out and I turn away facing white walls.

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be looked at.

Because I know I'll only see sympathy in their eyes.

I don't want and I don't need that.

I want my Magnus back.

Ragnor pulls me but this time a little softer and gentler by my elbow and I know I'm walking straight to present.

I'm walking into his room. Magnus's room.

Catarina is standing next to Magnus's bed, hiding it's occupant from my view and Camille sits ever so delicately at the other side of the mattress.

"Magnus…" It isn't me who said it. It was Ragnor.

Catarina step back then, looking at the both of us and Camille turns slightly to face us and I'm looking at a pair of orbs that has been missing for exactly ninety-two days.

"Ragnor, am I right?" He speaks and he's looking at the person standing next to me and I divert my gaze somewhere else. I catch Catarina's eyes and then followed by red lips and blonde hair but her body is not facing me anymore.

I can't be mad at Camille.

I'm not mad at Camille.

"And who's that with you?" I hear him ask and I wish there was another person in the room so that it wasn't me he was indicating. I can't look at him I can't look at him I can't look at him.

I want to look at him.

I want to hug him and kiss him and hold his hand and tell him how much I've missed him and he doesn't remember.

I'm past the point of shattering.

I no longer exist.

My purpose of waiting is graciously paid with him waking up and yet he's stolen from me. How is this fair?

All eyes on me and I gulp and swallow and I taste blood. I reach out for Ragnor's hand and he's already there, holding me. He's the only one keeping me awake right now.

"Are you his boyfriend? Catarina told me that you were seeing someone." He keeps talking and he doesn't know he's killing me inside when he's the reason I'm back to breathing.

"No. I'm not his boyfriend." I finally let out and I look at him to see emptiness.

"Then who are you?" He asks so curiously and I question myself as well.

Who am I?

"I'm the guy who rents a room in your apartment." I tell him.

"Oh. So we're living together?" He asks again and I break even more.

"Yeah."

"What's your name?"

After so many years. I'm saying this to Magnus again.

"Alexander Lightwood. But you can call me Alec."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be mad at me. *runs away
> 
> Review!


	17. All Over Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey look, another chapter!  
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 17: All Over Again

_Your name is Magnus Bane. You are thirty-three years old and the only child. You live in Brooklyn and you work for a fashion magazine as the chief editor with Ragnor as your partner._

_You've known him since your junior high and you met Catarina two years after high school. She's been a nurse at the State Hospital for quite sometimes and she's the only one you trusted with your health._

_You always made sure to call Ragnor to discuss about work at your apartment because you didn't like your office. It didn't feel right for you. You hated your director and only Ragnor would understand why._

_You rarely talk about your family. I mean your father. You try as best you could to keep him low and your friends never questioned your privacies._

_You have a cat named Chairman Meow that you found three years ago and you've been keeping it in the apartment as your mammal friend. Most of the things in your place you bought them yourself. The convertible was a gift from your father and you never laid hands on it. Not even once._

_As far as I know, you used to like throwing parties even if you don't know people. But they know you so it doesn't matter. Your last party was three years ago. You said it was time to stop and live life…_

"What about you?" I stop.

"What?" I ask Magnus. He's sitting upright on his hospital bed and I'm fighting to not reach out for his hand. I miss him. So much.

"You haven't told me anything about you. When did we meet? How did you end up as my housemate?" He asks politely and yet I feel knives cutting me open only to find that I'm empty.

Because he doesn't remember. And I'm missing him. Still so much.

"We met a long time ago. On several occasions. You asked me if I wanted a room at your place and I said yes." I fight for my voice so that I won't break any words. "I've been renting your place for three years." I learn to lie the second I realize I don't want to hurt him with truth. Not when he isn't ready.

I don't know which hurts more; me lying to him or me trying to convince myself of my words. I must be numb for I feel nothing and everything.

"Is that why you know so much about me?" He looks straight at me and I'm back to retreating years before where I've seen the same gaze he's giving me. The wedding, the beach, the party...

"I think so."

But this is not an act. He's not lying. He just doesn't remember.

"I guess we are on good terms." He says softly and I catch the troubled look on his face. I say to him,

"You're on good terms with everybody, Magnus." It feels weird to say that name after so long just to remember that he's not the same person. They say it's temporary when they don't even know for how long.

The thing I hate the most. Fake hopes.

"Not with Camille. I sense something must've happened between us from the way she talked to me." He says and I bit my lips before saying,

"You guys dated for two years and you ended it with her because you couldn't take her attitude." I tell him and he seems genuinely surprised.

"I did? I mean I get about the break up part but two years? I must've held back a lot." He says in amazement and I can't help but smile. He sounds different from his old self but his words are just so Magnus.

"So am I seeing someone currently?" His question was just too sudden for me and I have nothing to grab on when I see the white rods and I flinch and he sees it. And it's gone as fast as it came.

"What was that?" He asks me, worried and concern and I shook my head lightly and clear my throats before saying,

"Anything else you want to know?"

He looks at me and stares as if he's trying to strip me with his eyes and I let him. He's only looking at me. And I hope that's enough for him to remember.

"Your eyes are so blue. Like really blue." He lets out and I chuckle in pain.

"You've told me that so many times." I say softly not looking at him and I didn't see his lips move when he talks.

"How old are you?"

Tick. Tick. Tick.

"We're seven years apart." I tell him and I wait for his respond. His eyes are round and his hair glows and his jaws are missing their tense and I just want him to remember.

"You haven't answered my other question yet." It took me a moment before I could say anything. My mouth is suddenly dry and my head feels hot but my hands are cold though. He's making me feel again.

"Yes. You are seeing someone." I watch his expression, his face for any changes in his eyes his eyes his eyes and he says,

"Where is he?"

"Who?"

"The person I'm seeing. My boyfriend." He speaks so casually I almost missed his term.

"Who told you about your boyfriend? How do you know it's a guy?" I ask him, noting the exasperation in my tone and I realize I lean too close towards him. Eager is undoubtedly spread across my forehead.

"Instincts, I guess. Am I wrong?" He replies and I still see glazes in his eyes.

"No. You're not wrong." I pull back a little and I look at my hands my fingers are tired being gripped too hard my palms have lost their reddish colour. "He's travelling for a few months."

"What? Are you serious? I had an accident and he's travelling?" He sounds dubious and I can't think of anything else.

"He doesn't know. He was already travelling before you had the accident."

"Oh…" He seems to want to stop but then,

"What is his name?"

"Who?"

He sighs loud enough it was close to a groan before he looks at me and says,

"You've got to stop messing around with me, Alexander. I'm not getting any younger." You're always young to me. But staying nineteen isn't something I want.

I avoid his gaze when I answer him.

"I don't know. You don't really share about your love life with me."

Ouch. I don't even feel anything. I might survive this.

Heartlessly.

"Should I feel sorry about that or was it because of some misunderstanding that happened between us before?" He asks me and I know I have to go.

"I have to go." I stand up abruptly I'm lucky the chair didn't fall back and Magnus is blinking at me. "Take care. I'll see you tomorrow."

I walk towards the door without waiting for his reply and my hand is already grabbing the knob when he says something.

"See you tomorrow, Alexander."

My breath hitch and I force a smile as I exhale slowly. I turn around to look at him and the only thing I can say is,

"It's just Alec."

* * *

He's sleeping and the lights are off aside from the one near his head. Magnus had never looked as fine as he is to me right then and I approach him like a stranger.

I know him. He doesn't know me.

I stand quietly next him and I watch as his chest rise and falls with each beats and I miss the time I've slept on him and his breaths would tickles my face my hair falling into my eyes and-

I'm back to remembering.

I want him to remember.

I want Magnus to remember so that I don't have to keep this up.

"Magnus?"

Silence.

"Are you awake?"

I hope you are. Like the first time we met.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

So that you know I left you a kiss. Even tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Was Magnus awake or is he really sleeping? And where do you want to take this poor couple's next adventure to? How does falling in love with the same person twice sounds to you dear readers?
> 
> Let me know what you think! :)


	18. If I Were You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: O. M. G. I really didn't expect to get that many responds from you guys. That just makes me feel so sure of writing this story so thank you very much. I hope with this chapter posted you guys will continue to keep giving Reminiscent your support and love till the end. Enjoy this one! *kisses
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 18: If I Were You

I'm seeing him and yet I'm not looking at him. I can't figure out whether I can't afford to look at him or I just don't want to look at him.

Magnus is so…..different in the same way. How do I make this clear? He's here when he's not here. He's with me when he's not with me. He's mine when he's not mine.

And I'm forever his.

"Which one of these was my favourite?" Magnus asks from the kitchen, pointing at a row of mugs and glasses and I'm stuck hearing his word.  _Was._

"The blue one." I answer him as calm as hurricane.

"What about plates?" He looks at me.

"The blue one as well." I won't look at him.

"What colour is my tooth-"

"Blue."

"What about-"

"Blue."

Magnus seems perplex and he raise one of his eyebrow and he doesn't know what he's making me feel and not feel when I finally turn towards him. I brace myself but then it's never enough.

He lets out,

"I didn't know I had a thing for blue."

My hands are tight. My lips are sealed. And I will never stop loving him.

"Why are we sharing bathroom? I thought I saw another one down there." He pointed towards the guest's room and I steeled my tongues for lies I'd never expect to come from me.

"The shower's broken. You said you didn't mind."

He makes an expression with his face and I turn away so that he doesn't see, he doesn't know, he'll never know; that I'm a thousand years older than when I was twelve.

And this hurts way too much.

But my resolution stays the same; better me than him.

"Ragnor told me I can stay on leave for the next two months. You think you could help me get my life back?" He says jokingly and I laugh with him as well.

Does Magnus not know that I'm his life?

_Was was was was…_

A deep breath.

A single sigh.

A waiting heart.

A lifeless soul.

The irony hits me and I don't want to let it get too far so I say,

"Why not? You could start getting used to your bedroom first then we'll move on to elsewhere. Sounds fine?"

He nods.

I'm still a shattering piece.

"I'll just sit on my bed and stare at the wall then."

He walks away carrying his feet that had been sleeping for three months and he's never been more alive and I can't seem to accept it yet.

I know he doesn't remember me. He doesn't know me but I still can't believe that he's finally awake.

And he doesn't remember me.

A loud crashing brought me to focus and it takes me awhile to remember that I'm no longer the only one in the apartment. No longer.

I run into our-

I run into his room and I look for him and I can't find him and I see the bathroom door is open and I keep on running despite the small distance.

"Magnus!"

I find him on the floor and he stares in front him with toiletries all over and around him.

"Magnus?"

I keep my steps steady and I close our distance with no repulse in my heart beat. Magnus isn't looking at me and he keeps on staring into space so I kneel beside him and the moment my hands are only inches away from him, he wakes.

He says,

"Be careful, the floor's wet."

I blink. Once. Twice. Three times and I know he's not telling me something.

But then I'm only his housemate. He doesn't know what he doesn't know. Not yet.

"The caution applies only to you, Magnus. Look, even Chairman Meow manage not to trip in the bathroom."

The feline as if on cue walks inside and passes me towards Magnus and it snuggles onto him. I actually feel him freeze for a moment before slowly relaxing his body and he pets Chairman Meow.

I can't shake off the familiarity in his gesture. Some things never change.

"I guess I'll have to learn from Chairman from now on." His hand stays on the feline but I didn't expect him to turn and look at me and just then I realized we are so close too close to each other. My eyes are boring into his and his face never misses that smile ever since he woke up. Just like when he was younger.

And I woke up a stranger.

He sighs.

"I'm just going to keep telling you this. You're eyes are very blue."

I let out what I assumed as a smirk and I stay as close to him while he doesn't mind.

"I know." I say to him and he replies back,

"I think I'm starting to like them."

Without any hint or hitch or sign or doubt, his hand moves away from Chairman Meow and his finger grazes my nose and I…

I can't breathe.

I can't speak.

I can't feel anything. Except for his finger on my nose and why am I the only one pulled back into memories? Magnus is supposed to remember, not me.

I've known sorrow. I met bliss for a moment and right now what I'm feeling is the blend of ecstasy and heartbreak. I'm torn between telling him and keeping him safe. I'm in between breaking down and holding on strong.

But what I'm sure of is that those petals years ago, they never left.

Familiar cherry blossoms filled me in a weird way for I've long forgotten how it felt like falling and not breathing and no one's catching you.

But then no one's catching me.

I stand up abruptly and I can't look down to where Magnus is.

"What's wrong?" He asks and I grip my hands like I always did years ago. Magnus can't tell me not to this time. He's not here, not yet. I just hope they won't bleed and they'll hurt the same.

"You can't stay on the floor forever. Get up and get yourself clean. I'm taking you out."

I leave him alone and I hug Chairman Meow closer to my chest and it let me. I walk towards the guest's room and I shut the door tight and sit down on the floor with Chairman Meow secured in my embrace.

"He doesn't remember us."

A purring sound is what I get in return.

"We'll work it out, alright?"

Another purr.

"You and me, we can do this."

Chairman Meow's eyes are round and fixated on me and I recall the times when I missed Magnus's eyes so much I would look at Chairman Meow's for hours. I would sit on the couch with it and we would stay staring at each other until one of us began to cry and the other fell asleep.

"Magnus needs to remember and I'm going to make it happen."

I'm going to help him remember. I'm going to find him and bring him back to reality and he's going to remember everything. He's going to remember every single thing since he was nineteen and twenty-five and twenty-seven and counting until the day he left the apartment just before he got the accident. He's going to remember that before he left, he'd kissed me and told me he loves me and I did the same thing and he would never have left if it wasn't for the call.

And above all, he's going to remember me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short and I'm trying so hard to update this. Mid-term examinations are coming up next week so do expect a little delay until the end of the month. Bear with me, alright? Lovelies...comment! *kisses


	19. If You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to manibarilo and a guest for reviewing. I know I'm not supposed to expect much since nothing really happened in the previous chapter so I thought, why not make this chapter a little bit more interesting? Nahh...we'll do it some other time, or maybe not. I don't know. You guys should just carry on reading and let me know whether it's fine or not really or whatever that is in your head, alright? *xoxo
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Claire owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 19: If You

"Alec?"

"Yeah?"

"What is this?"

I look up to his finger holding a silver ring and I almost drop the keys in my hand. We were just about to leave the apartment and Magnus choose that very moment to unsteady my beaten heart.

"A ring." I tell Magnus without looking at him in the eyes and I wonder what is keeping me so sane.

"I can see that. What does  _Blue Eyes_  means?" He asks.

I close my eyes and I take a deep breath.

One. I'm still here.

Two. I'm right here.

Three. Magnus is right here.

Four. I open my eyes and I snatch the ring from him.

"It's mine." I slip it where he'd slipped it before and I walk straight to the front door not waiting for him and I tell him without looking back,

"We should get going."

I didn't wait for him.

I hear Magnus calling my name but I'm already outside. My hands are shaking my lips are trembling my mind is spinning I wonder if I can pass through the night without internally killing myself.

Oh wait, I'm dead already.

I heard Magnus shutting the door and I step into the elevator with him and that few seconds are like deafening silence that shoots me with crippling coldness.

All I want is just for two arms to wrap themselves around me and give me the love I've been missing these past three months.

And those arms have forgotten me.

"Where are we going?"

His voice, so melodious so rich so right so perfect brings me back to when I was younger and I dislike it. I don't want to be how I used to be.

"Magnus," I turn around to face him and still I can feel those petals.

Oh god, I'm still falling. I'll never stop falling. Not for Magnus Bane.

"Do you want to remember?"

A silent note.

A nodding head and an answer.

"I do."

"Are you sure?" I press on and I hope my eyes are blue enough to keep him from faltering.

"Alexander, there's something you're not telling me. What is it?" Magnus asks; worries and confuse and unfamiliar all at once and he takes a step closer to me and I'm pressed against the cold metal of the elevator feeling nothing but ice.

The door slide opens and I take that moment to slip away from Magnus. I hesitate from my own step before I regain my courage and certainty and then I'm back facing him I don't know how long I can keep looking straight at him.

"I'm going to tell you everything you've forgotten. Everything since you were nineteen and I need you to be sure about this. Do you want to remember?" I ask him for a second time and this time, I see him pulling every nerve every strength every vein every ounce of what I assumed as determination and with a nod I dismissed my reservation.

The first place I bring him is to the bar. I tell Magnus that was where he met Camille years after their breakup and he'd managed to get away with a kiss. I didn't tell him with whom. I did let slip the part about Imasu and everything I know about their relationship.

Next I take him to Queens, among the big houses on the hills and I purposely stop at the Verlac's huge gates to see something, anything flashes from those amber eyes and they shed no pretence.

I won't give up.

"There are other places I would show to you but then I don't think those matters."

I'm taking slow but confident steps onto the front door and I push it open with Magnus trailing behind me and nothing's changed since the last time we were here. Bay Ridge Manor stands proud still.

"What are we doing here?" Magnus asks in quiet whispers and I almost let out a snort at the unlikely tone.

"This Magnus," I lead him to the middle of the space and I know perfectly well where the switches are and lights illuminate the rooms with angel-like glow through the chandeliers.

"Is where you went for a wedding when you were twenty-five."

He looks around looking searching finding not finding until he meets my eyes again and I'm not avoiding him this time.

"I got married when I was twenty-five?" He asks, sounding ridiculous but I remain the way I am. Hoping.

"Someone else got married. And you were here." I explain.

"So what happened?"

"You see," I take deep breaths, just enough for me to get through this when I'm suddenly reminded my heart stays beating with no air for all this while. Because for as long as Magnus stays forgetting, I might as well count myself half-dead.

"You met a boy here. Not for the first time and also not the last. Those places I took you tonight, he was there as well. Because you've known him since you were nineteen and you keep meeting up with him by accident."

I search his eyes like an intruder and I let him search mine as I carry on,

"After a while, accident stops. You meet him whenever you feel like and he realizes that somehow, you like his company so he hangs around for sometimes. Sometimes turns into months and they carried on to a year and then two-"

"What are you telling me, Alec?" He cuts me off and he looks…distracted.

"That boy was me, Magnus. We've been seeing each other and three years ago we-"

He takes a step back and I unknowingly step forward only to make him withdraw even more.

"Magnus, what's wrong?"

"Camille warned me about this." What?

"What? What does Camille has to do with any of this?" I ask him.

He looks furious.

"She told me that you'd made up stories like this because we had something in the past. She told me how I broke up with you but you didn't accept it."

I splutter in my own words. How incredulous is that.

"She's lying. Why would I make this up, Magnus?"

"Then why did you lie?" Another what?

"Why didn't you tell me the moment I woke up that you're my boyfriend?" He's attacking me. And I'm at fault, I admit.

"Because I didn't want to scare you."

He frowns. I bite my lips. I hope they bleed.

"And how does this not scaring me? Alec, seriously. My head is messed up already you don't have to mess it even more." He sounds frustrated and I don't know what it'll take for me to tell him so that he'll understand.

"No one is messing with you apart from Camille. If one thing I know for sure is that your gut's telling you that she lied to you. I know you can tell because that's exactly how you found out she cheated on you." I speak in desperation and I know it shows I don't care it shows.

I just want Magnus back.

"I can't listen to this." He says and lightning strikes me more agony than any seizures I've had in my life.

"You said you wanted to remember." I push on and I feel my own breath starting to shortens and when I close my eyes for a second, I thought I see stars somewhere.

"Not like this, Alec. It's not fair." He says; voice low and head down. He looks victimized and I know I'm the abductor.

"You made up things just so I can have a few days of straying about and now you drop this big bomb on me expecting me to recall everything at once? Well you know what it doesn't work like that!"

He's angry and I'm angry at myself but I can't focus it's hard to look straight when the earth spun madly in your head and all in your view is a man so handsome so tall so perfect so furious at you.

And then it clicked to me.

"I know how bad you want me to remember, Alexander. God, I'm dying to get my memories back as well. All I wish is just it would be easy." He lets out his voice turning normal and he's looking at me like I'm made of plastic. Now that's something I'd like to forget. So I say quietly as I turn away from him,

"I wish I could forget." I walk away then. One step. Two step. Three four more. I don't know. I can't remember what happened. I know somehow that Magnus's gut is telling him something he can't accept just yet.

That I'm not lying. I'm telling him the truth.

And I want to forget.

The world turns dark then.

I feel light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love!


	20. Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Phew. Finally got this one done. Carry on, I have nothing to hint on. Just hope you like this story even more. Let me know, please? *puppy eyes
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 20: Empty

I wake up to the sound of nothingness and the first thing that resolves in my view is the ceiling; white and everlasting. I am on my bed, my  _own_  bed and I wonder for a minute how I'd get here.

"What happened?" I ask, knowing he's been standing there without needing to steal a peek or two. I can feel his presence, strong and solid and young and most importantly, of remembrance.

"You blacked out again. Found you in the reading room. Almost drown yourself with the books." He answers me, still younger.

I sigh.

Max walk closer and he sits down at the edge of my mattress. He looks so grown up and I feel so overslept yet I'm too tired to even sit up.

"Alec, what's wrong with you?" Max asks in a low voice, ever so careful with his tone and I know I will never stop loving my brother. I'll always love them, my siblings.

"It's only been a week that you're home and I've found you twice unconscious." Worry laces his words and I can't give him an answer. I don't know what's wrong myself.

Last week was the first. At Bay Ridge Manor. Magnus took me to Catarina and she said everything was fine. Nothing was wrong. I trusted her.

Now I'm beginning to wonder when the doubt will settle in until I'm a complete heap of confusions and frustrations and I demand answer a little too late.

"Are you still taking the pills?"

What? I must've spaced out.

"What?" I ask Max, finally feeling my arms together and in hope they won't buckle I pull myself into a sitting position.

"Are you still taking the pills?" He repeats.

"No." I say honestly. "I've hadn't had a seizure in these past few months."

He quirks his eyebrow when he talks. "Really? How's that possible?"

I've never think about it. I guess the fact that one of the most important person in my life was in coma drew me away from myself, my own being.

"Are you still on it?" I ask him instead of answering.

"Well, yeah. It helps my anxiety sometimes so that I won't freak out in public right before I have seizure." He chuckles lightly and I'm glad that he's far accepting it rather than denying himself of the pain.

"You make it sound like you're on drug, Max."

"Technically," he says, pointing his index finger upward, "Those pills are drugs. And you're avoiding my question."

It's my turn to chuckle. "I guess it wears off when we get older."

"And instead you'll just start falling asleep suddenly, not caring where you are who you're with? What if you were standing and you fall slamming onto the floor with no one to catch you, Alec?" Max is looking straight at me and I see no accusation, just worry and worry and worry.

And maybe a little bit of annoyance.

"Ouch. That'll hurt." I joke.

He didn't laugh.

He didn't even lift the frown from his face.

"Look Max, I really truly don't know what's wrong. A friend has already taken a look at my condition and she said everything's fine."

"Well you should go and check again. Just in case." He says, finally giving in to defeat and slowly removing the frown.

"That's more like it." I say.

"Promise me."

I blink. And smile.

"I promise."

He lets out a sigh and I'm content with things, for now.

"What's wrong with you and Magnus?" He asks this time and I look down at my lap, my hands lay limp under my own assent and I take a few minutes to answer my brother.

"He needs some space. I'm giving him some space." Magnus told me after that night and I obliged.

"How is he now? Did you talk to him?"

I let out a sigh, this time a little bit heavier and tired.

"Ragnor's staying over with him, looking out for things. I don't think a week is going to change anything." I tell my brother and his eyes widened at every word and I think I might've said something wrong.

"Hey," He inch closer and I'm definitely sure I've said something wrong. "Where is all this negativity coming from? You don't sound like my brother."

"Hey," I retorted, in what I thought as an awful cute tone, "I am still your brother and you can't pull that on me. I'm not Jace."

At the mention of him, Max's eyes flash something indecipherable. I'm thrown back to another reality where I have Jace, Isabelle, Max my parents and others. Others except Magnus.

I've long learned that whatever I try, whichever method I use none would be able to bring my two worlds together. They won't merge but at least they're around. And I'm seeing one of it blurred by blankness. And that world is Magnus's.

"How is he by the way?"

"He comes home once a month. Just to see how mom's doing." Max says, avoiding my eyes all the time and finding the walls a little bit more interesting.

"Max," I start slowly and I try to hide my sudden intake of heavy breath as the suffocating memento returns with my own pain, "things happen for a reason. So did Jace. We can't turn time but you could still try and make some difference."

"Like what? Telling him to come back home just the way he did to you? That's not fair. You left not on your own choice, Alec and I hope Jace knew that before  _he_  left." A tint of anger rises from Max's tone and he tries to hide it and I'm never prouder of my brother.

I'm seeing a man.

"Besides, after all this year I  _did_  ask him to come home. It's not like anyone threw him out and everything he has is right here. He just doesn't know it." Max says his last sentence in a low voice and I'm back to three years ago.

But then I thought, now is not the time for recollection so I look at my brother and he's looking at me and I smile for unknown reason until I say,

"Why don't we hang out tonight? Let's watch movie, just you and me."

Max seems perplex but even more surprised at my words and I know things will get better. Eventually.

He takes a moment to answer me and he doesn't disappoint.

"Movie sounds great. Just you and me."

He gets up and walks to the door but only for five steps before he spins around and he's back facing me.

"You are feeling alright, aren't you? I won't want to carry you back all the way from the cinema. You're not that heavy Alec but you're not as light as you think you are." He says, mixing his tone of concern and jest in one breath.

I fake a smirk and I stand up rather quick and I feel no giveaways in my bones. I won't think what's wrong with me.

Everything's fine.

"Why not? I see those arms could use a little bit of exercise. There's not much to show, Max." I express quite dramatically and I think I might've blinked too many times because then my head feels funny but I'm still standing.

He crosses his arms over his chest and I know I'm lying when I see bundles of veins popping from a slightly toned muscles and I can't say I'm impressed. At least my brother's in shape better than I am.

"I hope you're not trying to get me into a bet or something or else you're really being like Jace." He turns away, hiding what I think supposedly a grimace and my act disappears.

"I'll see you downstairs." Max says and he leaves my room not without shutting the door and I am once again all alone.

Alone but I don't feel so left behind.

I guess my emptiness is wearing off, replaced by something else.

Something I have yet to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder what happened with Jace. Any guesses, readers? Let me know what you think and I might use it for the plot. That's it for this chapter. Not much Malec I know. I just don't want Alec to forget his family. Especially Max. :)
> 
> Leave me your thoughts! *kisses


	21. I'm Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know I know. I'm late again. I'm so sorry for keeping this chapter on hold for so long. I got tangled up with routines and practices and feelings I forgot how to write. Just kidding. Carry on reading and leave me your best thoughts.
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 21: I'm Different

Floating. I'm floating with all the purpose of not knowing and not wanting to know how I can fix these things I call my life. I drowned every possibilities with echoes of doubt and I plant every hesitant that I could get him back to who he used to be because nothing seems to work.

Nothing seems to work for me with me. So I keep myself floating.

But not in the midst of paradise this time as I surround myself with pure emptiness and I know not myself or anybody.

I can't fix this, I told myself. I have no power in me to keep myself into believing and what else holding him together. For once I think Magnus was wrong for loving me.

Months flies like nothing matters and I'm still a shred of fading memory for Magnus. Wanting him to know me and to remember who I am are two different things. Because then he won't see what I used to be and no one's there to remind me I don't have to return to the old me.

He's the one who taught me of acceptance. I accept what befall on him and I accept who he thinks he is now.

But I cannot accept this.

"Why is he here?" I ask Ragnor, not caring to hide my accusing glare at him or keeping my voice low. I stare forlornly at the door, where behind it was Magnus.

And Imasu.

"Alec, calm down. I know you might be angry but hear me out, alright?" Ragnor tries to pull me back into reasoning and I know I should listen but my heart feels different.

It's like when you try to get back up and all the efforts you take crumbles onto yourself and still, you're on your own. How did my life turned this way?

"I am angry, Ragnor." I tell him. I'm angry at myself. Is what I don't tell him.

"Magnus asked me to call him. He says he's starting to remember some things. Maybe this is a good sign that he'll recover." His voice turns soft then and I know he's giving me that look and I don't judge. Of all people, I can only let Ragnor give me a shards of sympathy as he's the only one who finds me in the dark.

I look away then and I head to the couch and land on it with a sigh of distress and Ragnor sits opposite me facing me. I close my eyes in hope that he'll let me settle into the familiarity of the apartment that had grown distant after my absence so long.

"Alec, are you alright?" Ragnor asks me and I almost let out a chuckle.

"What do you think? Do I look alright?" I ask him back and instead of the natural smirk I always get, he actually leans forward from the couch and stares at me. His eyebrows are furrowed.

"Actually you don't. You're pale." He says and this time I really do laugh.

"I've been like this since twelve."

"No," he quickly intercepts me, "I mean you don't look fine. Catarina told me you've been seeing her lately. Is something wrong, Alec?"

His eyes stay on me and I look away but towards the wrong direction because I'm back staring at Magnus's door. And it opens.

Imasu walks out first and he stops and stare and gape when he catches sight of me and I sit up straighter and hold my peaceful expression.

No one needs to know I'm a destruction made for my soul.

"Alec…" he trails off and I look behind him and still, the man I love is a blurred silhouette of stolen recollections.

"What are you doing here?" Imasu question me and I know he knows that his words were a second too late to be stopped.

"What did you talk with Magnus?" I ask, keeping my posture stubborn and hard. I slowly stand up and Ragnor does the same, all the while keeping his eyes on me.

Magnus is the one who answers me and my head feels light at his words.

"It only concerns me and him. You don't have to know."

Who is this guy?

"What did he tell you?" I ask again, pushing Imasu with conflicts I know he doesn't deserve to be in. Ragnor moves slightly next to me and I wonder if he sees me wavering internally.

"Why do you want to know? It's none of your business." Magnus blocks Imasu away from my view, making it look like I've been sending the latter fire beams coming straight from my eyes.

"Is it? Then what about Ragnor?" All eyes are on me as I speak and I can tell from instinct that I'm not making any sense.

"What about me, Alec?" His voice sounding so soft so cool coming from behind me and I don't turn around to look at him. Instead, my eyes are fixed on glazed ambers.

"What have you remembered, Magnus? Tell me."

I wait for him, seconds stretched into silence torment and it took him forever to put me out of misery.

"I remember him. I remember Ragnor. Even Catarina." He says calmly and I wait. I'll always wait.

"But I don't remember you. I can't and I don't know why. You never seem to fit in the picture."

Thousands crack and cold splinter flies like exploded fireflies and I fight for dignity. I will not cry, I tell myself. I will not fall just because he doesn't remember.

"I find out the reason me and Imasu broke up and I think it's the most stupid excuse in the world." Magnus is talking but he seems so far away from me I might be a thousand high up from a death drop.

"I don't know what drove me to end it." He says, not knowing the reason stands right in front him.

"I told him I'd like to give us another try. And he said yes." He explains.

"Magnus…" Ragnor whispers above the noise that's deafening me. I look at Imasu and I see guilt across his eyes and right then, I snap.

"You said yes?! You know I'm with him and you said yes?!" My voice rise without me knowing and Imasu speaks,

"Look, Alec. I'm…I'm sorry it got this way-"

"Why are you sorry?" Magnus asks, taking Imasu's hand into his and I've lost all reason.

"Exactly, Imasu. Why are you sorry? You said yes without thinking, didn't you?" I take a step forward and then Magnus takes a step forward and he looks at me like he's never seen anyone like me.

"Don't you talk to him like that," his voice hard and stone and I hope my ears forget, "He is someone I know and I remember him. I thought that if you have anything left in you to care of me, you would at least be happy that I finally have a clue of the old me."

I swallow and for so long I've not tasted blood.

"I do care for you, Magnus. You ask me to give you some space and I did."

"For months." He quickly add. "You never call to ask how I was doing and you expect me to think that you really care? Where have you been?" I think I heard a tint of concern in his tone but then I'm all over emotions I can't decipher right now.

"Some things came up to me and I had to take care of it." I avoid his eyes and maybe that's the cause for his next words.

"This is the reason why I can't understand you, Alexander. You've told me nothing but lie since I woke up and you want me to trust you when I don't even remember you. This has to stop." His hand never left Imasu's and the latter has realized that maybe it's best to keep shut.

"True. I mean, this has to stop-"

I cracked.

I'm falling.

I'm losing my balance and I turn quick enough to look at Ragnor and he sees too far inside me and I might've let what's broken revealed.

His hands his arms solid and strong but aren't Magnus's welcome me like an old friend and I'm still falling. I can't feel anything and my eyes won't focus. White rods blur in and out of my view and I can't speak.

I watch as Ragnor's lips move and I hear his words like I'm underwater.

"Magnus! Get Catarina on the phone, now!"

I can't see Magnus or Imasu and the fact that I'm on the floor hits me too late. The cold base seeps my skin like worthless piece and I'm still unfocused. I feel something trickling down my nose and Ragnor's eyes, frantic and worry yet still hold that sort of calmness locks with mine.

"Idiot, why're you smiling?" He says and I don't remember smiling.

I can't feel anything.

I wait for the usual pain to strike and when I can feel my whole body again, the agony scorches my nerves just the same like these past few months.

And I'm a goner.


	22. Too Late To Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Dear readers, please forgive me for the long silence. I haven't had time to write and no time to update. And when I do, I can't seem to write. Please accept my apologies with this update. So hey, here goes the next chapter! Enjoy reading and have a fantastic day, everyone! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 22: Too Late To Turn

The skies are dark. I've not seen stars so dull since I lost sight of the world. Strangely, nothing feels as comfortable as the promising dusk, hugging me tightly, welcoming this broken soul into the cocoon of misery.

I am now one of their faithful occupants.

Distorted noises tries to pull me back up but I push them down as I enter a different dimension. A dimension I've learned to accept these past few months I've been away from anything, everything.

I know Catarina won't lie, not to me and I know it's wrong to hope for better but no one should blame me for wishing a different end.

After all that's happened, my heart stands for one desire only; for Magnus to remember.

But I guess that's gone now. Along with other things I still kept by the border line, thinking what if, just what if he remembers even the slightest piece of what used to be our memories and we'll carry on making more for our future.

The present isn't so promising anymore. I realized I've been hanging onto a thin rope and Magnus chose to cross it with someone else. Someone other than me.

I'm angry at Imasu. I might be one of all people in the world that's furious with him enough to wish for his death but he's not the one dying.

This is where I must say goodbye. This is where I'm letting go so that I can go away. And this is where I will forget.

Just please, don't ask me to return.

I'm not coming back.

* * *

"What are you thinking?" Ragnor asks to the one person in the room and I look at him, I dare to look at him even when I note the irritant tone in his speech.

"A lot of things." I answer him.

"No. The one thing that should be on your mind right now is Alec. Nothing else matters to you than him." Ragnor shot back at me and I hate the feeling of other people knowing me more than I know myself.

I might not remember who I used to be but that doesn't mean I've lost my inner self. I am still Magnus Bane and no one can change that. Even my supposedly 'boyfriend' can't change that.

"Look, what happened just now wasn't my fault. I didn't know he was sick, alright?" I say, bringing my hands upward for actions I know serve no purpose but just to defend myself. Theatrically.

"Oh, so you're saying he brought it up on his own?" Ragnor shot back at me and I don't know whether to be defensive or wronged.

"You shouldn't have done that." Ragnor continues to say.

"Done what?" I ask, perplex at his action but my beating heart knows what his words mean.

"I know you're going through a lot of things but you don't get the right to be selfish. Especially to those who cares for you. And correct me if I'm wrong but Imasu wasn't there when you woke up." Ragnor lets out, changing gazes between my eyes and the body-length window of my apartment.

The view holds skyscrapers and from this angle, I can see his reflection.

"Can you please don't bring him into this conversation? He's done nothing wrong." I tell him. Imasu had left earlier.

"Of course he did nothing wrong. You were supposed to remember, not get back together. After all these years…" Ragnor let his words hangs and he rubs his face in a slow motion. A clear expression of rue is visible and I hate to be in this spot.

Doesn't anyone think that I might be more frustrated with this situation?

Ragnor moves away and carries himself back to the couch. He had been doing that for the past twenty minutes and whenever he manage to sit down, his eyes will travel to the guest room.

"I just wish you could be nicer to Alec." He softly whispers, more to himself than to me. Something sparks then, internally within me that I imagine strolling over to Ragnor and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.

Instead, I tell him,

"I wish you all would stop punishing me for forgetting." My voice is clear and they hold trembles as the background.

"I've done enough of that for myself." I speak, still clear and shaky.

"Boys, would you mind keeping it down a little bit?" Says a voice and I know I remember Catarina just the way she used to be.

She closes the door behind her and a look on her face does something to my chest.

It tightens.

As much as I said I don't remember anything of Alexander, a small part in me keeps on tumbling with emotions I have yet to decipher. It's trying to tell me the opposite. And I won't accept that.

Why won't I accept that?

"How is Alec?" Ragnor asks and I realize he beats me to the question.

"He's fine." Catarina quickly says. "It's just a cold."

"Is that what he told you to say?" Ragnor adds.

I keep my silence.

"Ragnor, he's technically my patient. I can't disclose any information without his permission." Catarina pulls out her work tone and Ragnor seems even mad.

"Well tell him not to do that again, would you?" Ragnor says, crossing his arms across his chest and looking mildly annoyed.

And I know I'm the one he's annoyed with.

"What are you getting angry with me for? I did all the work of patching him up just to see him hurt again. I should be mad." Catarina answer him although I can tell she's talking to me as well. She sits next to Ragnor yet not quite close and I finally noticed the tires in her eyes.

She looks like a zombie up close.

"Can I see him?" The words stumble out without my conscious and I can't take it back. I don't want to.

"Actually," Catarina sits up straighter, she's been leaning back on the couch, her hand softly placed on Ragnor's thigh and the other guy looks like he's holding back because of it, "Alec wants to see you. He has something to say to you."

"Are you sure it's alright?" Ragnor asks her, completely ignoring me and I start to learn not to care. One of my best friends has been treating me differently because of a guy I used to know.

This has to stop.

And the only way is for things to change.

Towards the right direction. But what can I do when I don't remember?

Catarina looks away from Ragnor and she settles into my vision. Her expressions read of care and plead.

"Let him make his point. Talk when his done."

She wasn't commanding nor was she asking.

She was telling me. And that I remember.

I nod slightly and walk over to the door.

A deep breath and my hand are turning the knob.

He's lying on his back on the bed, eyes open and still and looking different from when I saw him not an hour ago.

He looks…lost.

I move slowly and quietly to the side of the bed and he sits up quicker than I thought he'd be able to.

But then I saw the tremor in his arms and I notice the prominent bone line and I'm sure this is a different person than the one who'd acted furious in front of me.

Just then, just then for a second, I thought I saw a boy. A young skinny black-haired boy, on his knees and I saw my hands rejected and declined.

"Magnus, are you alright?"

His voice broke whatever it was that came to me and I'm looking at a face I don't remember. But I know him.

How is that even possible?

"I should be asking you that. How are you feeling? Catarina told me you have something to say." I tell him with no pretence and yet I try to hide myself from him. Those blue orbs struck too deep into someone I wonder if he knows a person's soul better than the holder.

I wonder how well he knows me.

"Where's Imasu?" He asks.

I didn't hide my surprise. But I answer him nonetheless.

"He left already. He didn't want to do anymore damage."

He chuckles slightly.

"He didn't do anything. He just said yes." Alec speaks softly and yet every word I heard sounded like pieces of broken trust and I clear my throat to say something.

I forgot about Catarina.

"You shouldn't be mad at him. I told him I haven't seen you for a while and he might've made some assumptions on his own. No one can blame him." I keep my eyes on him and he never wavered.

"You don't remember. You shouldn't say things you'll regret once you get your memories back." Alec's hands lay limp in his lap and his shoulders are slumped.

I heard no challenge in his tone and the words he lets out did something to me.

I stopped believing I would remember anything about my past life months ago. I just welcome those tiny bits and try to put things together make the right decisions that I might've let go in the past and maybe have a better ending.

But Alec was so sure of me getting my memories back I don't know whether to feel ashamed or angry.

Why should I be angry?

Who should I be angry with?

"Nothing will change my mind about my decisions, Alec. I hope you'll respect that." I tell him, loud and clear.

He looks up from his hands and he takes a deep breath before smiling.

I thought I saw beach and sands and again, the boy. But something tells me it wasn't the same boy as before.

What is this?

"I respect your decisions. And I hope you'll respect mine." He says, repeating the action of pulling me back into the guest room.

"I will let you live your life as you want with whoever you want. I won't hold you back for anything. I won't claim what used to be mine from you. I will move out from your apartment as soon as I can. I just want one thing in return. Let me keep the key and the ring."

His words hit me unexpectedly and I wanted to tell him no. He's actually letting go and I don't want him to.

I think I get it why Ragnor seems eternally mad and annoyed with me.

I'm plainly selfish.

"That's two things." What? Of all things I could muster up I tell him that?

"The ring's yours. I gave it to you. Leave the key on the table." I say with finality.

It took him a few seconds to answer me and I saw the baffled look on his face.

"Did I say something wrong?" I ask him, quirking my eyebrow and he was still the same.

"No." He quickly shakes his head. "Nothing. I thought I saw something." He adds the last sentence lowly.

"I'll let you rest. Call for Ragnor if you want anything. I'm going out tonight." A small part in me didn't want me to say with whom and the small part actually wins. I turn away then and I leave him alone in the room.

The door was almost closing when my hand stop and I look back towards that one soul in the room.

"Hey, I know it's none of my business to ask you this but," I walk back inside but not more than a few steps and I still see him, "why? What makes you change your mind?"

He seems prepared for the question and I wait for him to answer me.

"You're right." He says. "It's none of your business."

I manage a small nod. And he says,

"Whatever the reason is, it's me. It's not you. I hope you'll be happy, Magnus."

I look at him.

And he smiles.

I can't smile back at him.

Why is this happening now?

There's just no turning back, is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for this chapter. A small warning; I won't be updating until after the first week of November. I'm truly sorry. There's no promises though but I hope you'll continue reading this as I will continue writing it. Leave me your precious thoughts like you did last time. *kisses


	23. Cracks Of Second Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:Okay. I know I mentioned something about November and I know it was yesterday but your responses push me to this. So hey, an update! By the way, I officially exceeds my first multi-chapters story "For This Life" with this chapter although the words are clearly lesser. I hope my writings are getting better. Only readers would know so keep me alert, alright guys? Carry on reading. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 23: Cracks Of Second Chance

" _I hope you'll be happy, Magnus."_

_Why now?_

_"Only with you."_

_Why here?_

_"I want you around for a very long time."_

_Who am I?_

_"You're important."_

_"But I'm fine."_

_"I know you are. I'm just letting you know that you're important to those around you."_

_Who is that guy?_

_He looks like me but I don't recognized these odd tingling I feel whenever I saw shades of blue._

_Blue…blue…blue…_

_What is happening?_

_Am I finally remembering?_

_Who is Alexander Lightwood?_

_Why are all these questions coming to me now when I've cut off every possible chance of getting my old life back?_

_Should I accept it?_

_Or should I let it go?_

_I should wake up now._

_I am only dreaming._

_This is a dream._

_Not more than a dream._

* * *

The sounds of ceramic plates and glasses moving assault me like common music. Imasu is sitting directly facing me, with the table separating us and he's enjoying his soup while I feel empty.

Empty and dead.

"Why aren't you eating?" He asks all of a sudden when I swear I just saw him ate a huge piece of bread.

How did he chew his food so fast?

"I'm just thinking." I answer him nonchalantly and of course he would notice.

It's been three weeks and I don't bother to fake anything in front him once I started having those dreams.

_Dreams…_

"Magnus," he slowly lowers the fork in his hold and I notice I haven't even touched mine, "Is something wrong? You've been acting weird since…since the first night we went out. Did something happen?"

"No." I shook my head. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He adds some more and I feel like snapping at him. How can I not be sure of myself when it is me?

"I'm fine. It's just that…" I trail off. Twenty-seven days of contemplating and I know I should've done this sooner.

"Alec told me I would regret this." My voice is calm compare to my working brain. A thousand nerves working at their best to keep me thinking straight and I'm only seeing the rational now.

"You're feeling regret? And you trust him?" Imasu asks.

"I trust my instinct."

He inhales deeply and I feel like I'm not even breathing.

I feel bold.

"And what does your instinct tells you? That you and me, it's never going to work?" His eyes are swimming with different colours now and all I could see is azure.

"There never should've been me and you. I'm sorry Imasu but I think we should end this while we can." I add politely, not knowing where the note of genuine had come from.

Surprisingly, he smiles.

"Have you actually remembered why we broke up?" He asks and perplexity collapse onto me.

"I broke your flute." He shakes his head.

"You found out I cheated on you. You gave that excuse just so I won't feel bad about it because you knew from the beginning that we would've never worked out." He explains and I feel light.

"Why wouldn't we?" I ask out of curiosity.

"That has something to do with what you've forgotten." He says, dropping his smile a little bit and my beating heart skips a beat.

"Alec…" I whisper softly.

He nods with no dejection.

"He's a nice guy. When we met, I was actually thinking of a snobby prudent you've hooked up with but then he was just innocent. If you weren't seeing him, I would've asked him out. He told me about it, you know. That you actually found out." He laughs lightly at the end.

"Then why didn't you ask him out? Now that you know I don't remember him." I can't help but feeling the familiarity in the conversation settles between us. This feels right, I tell myself.

His eyes travel elsewhere then and he clears his throat and sits up straighter. He's avoiding my gaze before he answers me,

"I would have if he's not still madly in love with you."

And it's my turn to shake my head.

"He's not in love with me anymore. He moves out."

Imasu looks disbelieved.

"Magnus, just because he lets you see me and moves out doesn't mean he stops loving you. And to tell you the truth, you've been showing the same as well."

I furrow my eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

He sighs. I wait.

"Your mouth says you don't remember anything about him but your actions say otherwise. You haven't stopped loving him just because you lost your memories. You never did."

Coldness runs through my soul like uninvited sensation. Imasu keeps on talking and I can't do anything but listen.

"When he fainted, it was your hands that pulled out first but you hesitated and I saw it. Ragnor caught him instead and you felt confused you didn't even heard what he was saying. I had to call Catarina for you. You instinctively move to your room but then you saw Ragnor walking towards the guest room instead, carrying your precious cargo in his arms. All that while, I see flashes in your eyes Magnus. Tell me you realized it at that moment that Alec isn't just somebody to you."

My throat is suddenly dry and my palms stick with my sweat.

I know he's not lying.

I know Imasu is telling the truth.

And I know I love someone.

And that someone is Alexander Lightwood.

"I should go." I say without realizing the words.

Imasu didn't say anything. He simply nods.

I don't really remember what happened after that. All I'm seeing right now is my apartment and I stand at the front door like a stranger.

I tried turning the knob but my hand is shaking. Why are they shaking?

I ring the bell instead and Ragnor's surprised expression greets me.

"You're early." He says. "Did you forget your key?"

"Ragnor, you need to help me." My voice is stringing out words with trembles and he notices it.

"Magnus, what happened?" He asks, going from surprised to worry.

"I think I remember now. You need to help me find him." I'm tumbling over words and I can't stop myself.

Just then, I saw night sky and I'm hugging a person. His mouth was sprouting profanities and I'm holding him like I don't want him to break.

And I can't see his face.

Why can't I see his face?

"What are you talking about? You need to find who?" Ragnor is still in the midst of confusion and I've never been desperate.

A deep breath. I try to sedate myself and speak with order.

"Alexander. You know where he lives right?"

And right then, all of the mixed up surprise and concern and worry were lost as they replaced with disappointment and sorrow. Ragnor's eyes lock with my unfocused ones.

I'm still seeing blue.

"It took you this long to remember." He finally says after eternity.

"If I was Alec, I would've killed myself months ago." He adds softly under the noise that's in my head.

"Don't say that." I intend to sound angry but then I'm too messed up I wonder if I even sound like anything.

"You have to help me. You're the only one who can help me. Please, Ragnor." It's useless to hide my pleading when I'm doing exactly so.

"Calm down." He says. "Come in and sit down. We'll sort this out."  
"No." I snap. Doesn't he know that I have to see Alec right this instant or I might blow up of frustration?

"I can't wait any longer. I have to see him."

"Or what?" Ragnor speaks, still in the soft small tone. "You'll die because you've only remembered when Alec, he's been forgotten for months and he's still alive, walking and living. What will you say when you see him? What will you tell him, Magnus?"

I'm struck with silent.

I hate to admit it.

I don't want to admit it.

"I don't know." I finally let out with a tint of embarrassment for acting out the way I did.

"That's why you got to help me." I continued.

He nods and serene comes back into his physiognomy.

"I will." He says.

I gulp and swallow and I've never been real to myself.

"Thanks."

This is it.

I'm coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you noticed, I changed the pov to Magnus's for these two chapters. Let me know how you take it and whether I should stick with it or get back to Alec's. Let me know, as always. ;)


	24. Forgotten Longing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for your lovely responds, my precious readers. So here I present to you the next chapter. Again, I'm sorry for the delay. I didn't really have anything to write and I think it's quite obvious from the lack of my usual 'metaphors' in this chapter. But hey, there's a surprise at the end. Read it and enjoy it. Have a nice day! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 24: Forgotten Longing

"I swear to God you cook better than Izzy or Jace does." Max says. He's eating and I'm staring at him appreciating the smiles he's been giving me ever since I stepped inside the Lightwood's house. I'm back again.

And I guess I won't be leaving until my time is up.

And that won't be long.

"You should stop gawking at me like that. I'm feeling creep up." He fakes a shudder and I can't help but grin even more. I hit him lightly on his arm and he rubs it like it really hurt. We both know it doesn't.

"You should stop comparing me with Izzy and Jace." I tell him. I move towards the dirty plates and glasses and I start scrubbing them with the sponge.

I counted till ten before I hear his voice again.

"I ask mom the other day. She said she won't mind if you really want to do it. Just make it simple." I can't see his face and I'm grateful for that. I know there will be something in his eyes that will break my heart and I can't take it.

I'm too hard as concrete to break anymore.

He won't see me as a human then.

"Really? What about dad?" I keep on scrubbing and maybe I added too much force because my right wrist hurt all of a sudden.

"He'll live." His short answer was just as I expected.

Three weeks and the first thing that my father said to me after my return home was,

"You should've seen this coming a long time ago." That did nothing to me.

My mother was trying to keep it neutral. She said nothing, she did nothing and just smile as she stood next to my father. But then one night, I guess her resolute thawed because she knocked on my door and she stood awkwardly under the doorframe.

I spoke first.

"I'm not sorry." I told her.

"I don't regret what happened and I don't expect you to accept me back." I stood calm and she took a deep breath.

"You're home. That's all that matters to me." She left then and things slowly shifted close to normal as it could.

We could still sit down together at the dining table, just the four of us and father would talk of work less passionate than he used to and I finally noticed the grey streaks my parents wear as their crowns.

Symbols of hard work and I can't understand the abandon memories I have of them. It was always about work. Even in the beginning.

The first couple of nights I pretend I wasn't there. I tried to blend with the furniture and they acted like they couldn't see me. Except for Max.

He knows I'm there. He always does.

Then I started to lose my camouflage when one night mother asked me a question and then the next night it was my father. It felt odd but then I tried not to think.

Thinking hurts nowadays.

"Hey Alec. Are you listening?" Max's voice pulled me out from wherever I was and I drop the sponge before turning around to face him.

"What would you suggest?" I ask him instead and bafflement spread across his face before he replies me,

"Anything you cook is delicious." He then continues to spoon the food into his mouth and I'm back staring at him.

"What?" Max asks when he finally notices.

"You're getting fat." I was joking.

His hands immediately cup his cheeks and he frowns. Most of his features do not resemble me that much anymore since he grew older except for his pale complexion and his black hair. He became tall a few years ago and he's almost my height. Max is only twenty.

"It's all because of you." He says accusingly. "Ever since you're home, you've been feeding me nonstop."

"Then you should stay in campus with all your friends instead of going back and forth from the house." I think I saw dejection from him.

He pouts instead. "I don't want to stay in campus."

I sit down on the chair, taking back my place minutes ago.

"Why?" I ask him. He merely shrugs and continues to eat and he's avoiding my eyes.

"Is something wrong with that place?" I ask him. He won't look at me.

"I don't want to talk about it." He quickly says and gets up to put away his plate. I locked my fingers and I stare at the table for a long time. I don't know how many ticks went by and I've stop caring the day I came home.

The day I came back.

"How long are you going to keep staring?" I didn't realize Max was looking at me and he's already sitting facing me.

"I wasn't staring at you. I was staring at the table." I answer him lamely. He snorts and I remember Isabelle, my sister.

"What's the difference? You spent half of your time doing that and the other half reading in the library. Don't you ever feel bored staying in this house?"

Max doesn't know. He doesn't know how much I used to feel safe under these roofs. He doesn't know how the doors and windows kept me away from things I hated and how the walls covered me from my nightmares.

This house used to be everything I have.

Until I dare to dream of another world where I see skies and clouds and grounds of greens merged together and they form something I don't remember anymore.

"You're doing that again." Max sounds annoyed. "Thanks for the lunch. I'm going to my room if you don't need me with anything." He waves limply and turns away but his eyes are still on me and something registered.

"Actually, I do need your help to carry some boxes to the attic. Do you mind?" I ask.

I get a smile in return.

"What are all these?" Max's face was a little scrunched as he lifted the box slowly up through the small opening. I watch from below.

"Just some old junks I kept in my room. I wanted to clean the space since I'm home." I talk a little lower and he notices it.

"Why'd you need my help for? They aren't that heavy." Max slowly step down from the small ladder and closes the door.

How can I tell him? How should I tell him?

They weigh too much for me. I can't lift them.

"I thought you could burn some of those fats." I simply say. He didn't respond.

Max walks in front me and I follow him. At first, I thought he was going straight to his room but instead he turned and entered mine.

Casually, almost too casually he flops down and lay flat on my bed. Then I remember he used to do that to Jace and the latter would run and land on him rough.

I can't do that. It would be too painful. At least for me it would hurt.

So I settled myself at the edge of my mattress and I tell Max,

"Thanks for your help."

"Anytime." He says and he's still smiling. Why is he always smiling when he's with me?

"Max," I started slowly, "do you have a girlfriend?"

His eyes widened almost immediately and he stares at a blank spot.

"No." He answers. I don't know what to talk about now.

"Alec, let me rest here for just a few minutes and I'll go back to my room." Max's legs were hanging over the side of the bed and his hands were splayed by his side. I didn't get to answer him when I noticed that his eyes are already closed and I start all over again.

I stare at him. From one part to another.

From his hair to his face to his cheekbones and nose and his eyes hidden behind the lids and his lips tight with pressure I seek to know where they came from.

The least, I thought I could do was keep my younger brother safe even for a short period, for a measured time while I can still do something.

But the more I look at him, the closer I feel like I know him the more I see the odds coming.

But then I'll start to think.

And remember what I told you?

Thinking hurts nowadays. So I'll just stop here.

* * *

He doesn't talk about him. He's never mentioned his name ever since he came home and not once he gave anything away.

It was like he never knew Magnus Bane.

Not a word of the man that changed everything in my brother's life and I thought I might've lived in a different life.

But then scars show.

Wounds heal through times and blood dries. But scars are the remnants and proofs of what I call experience. But in Alec's case, it's more than that.

Those scars made him who he is now. It resembles him, of what he holds and treasures and protects. That is until he came home and I see nothing of my old brother.

This is a man that is certain of his present. This is a man that's convinced of whatever that will happen the ending will stay the same. My brother, Alexander is so assured that he forgets people see right through him sometimes.

And I meant me.

I know he starts to hate thinking or wondering or musing. He asks questions only because he feels like he has to and he talks to show that he still can.

The time he spent ever since he moved away from Magnus' revealed so much of hurt I don't know anyone can take it. As a fact, my brother is not the same any longer.

He's always in the house. Not once he ever thought of going outside and maybe looks up in the sky and tries to carry on from there. There is always persuasion in asking him to go out and it will be glimmered with reluctant.

I don't know what he's afraid of; the sun or the moon. Because nothing seems to mean anything to him and the house is like paradise now.

I quietly sneak open my eyes and his silhouette is the first thing I see. Sitting near the window of his room with a book in his lap, his head tilted slightly to the side and I notice he fell asleep.

I hope he's asleep.

I know something is wrong with him even if he won't tell. I know Catarina doesn't just 'come to visit' every week on Wednesday for no reason and they'll sit in the library for an hour or two. I know he's unwell.

I just hope he'll tell us. Better sooner than later.

I stand up slowly, minimalizing any sound that might emit and I cross the floor to get to Alec. Quietly, I peel off the book from his hand and I observe that it's a different book than the one he read only yesterday.

I know where I get my liking for books from.

I gently carry him to his bed and I let him sleep. He's always so tired all the time and I don't know how to help him when I'm not around. That is partly why I don't stay in campus when he's home.

I look at him before closing the door. I notice he likes to stare and my smile becomes cheaper because of it. I miss my brother. I miss Jace and Isabelle.

I know things will get better for all of us. It will.

Until then, I'll make it up to Alec for all the time we've lost.

I'll make him smile even just once. I know I can because I'm his brother. And that's what brothers do, look after each other.

I think it's time I make a call to Jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it getting inside Max's head? I'll put Malec on rest for awhile until I get my rhythm back and for now, please enjoy some siblings and family bonding. Alec kind of need it. Let me know what you think! ;)


	25. One Of The Pasts Before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm trying. I really do and I hope this chapter proves it as much. I know I've been showing nothing but gratitude for the reviews I got and I seldom respond to your responds. Just one thing I need to clarify; like what I've said in my author's note previously, I don't have anything to work with at the moment and for as long as I can remember, every time I start writing it just comes out of me. So here I tell you, honestly I have no idea where I'm taking this story. I don't know what will be the ending and how this will end but I do have a blurred picture of it. Maybe some doesn't read my author's note and I won't blame you. But if you can't take the way I'm bringing this story around then I'm sorry. Never in my writing experience have I ever intended to annoy or irritate my readers. I guess I was playing with too many emotions I can't handle.
> 
> Thanks for reading my extra-long author's note this time and thank you as well for leaving reviews. I appreciate your honest words to me and please don't stop giving them. Those are what that motivates me most. Have a nice time reading and enjoy! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 25: One Of The Pasts Before

Let me bring you back two years ago.

I was still in Brooklyn when Jace texted me. The phone screen reads,

**_Heading off to South California. Sebastian got a job for me. Don't know when I'll be back. Maybe I won't. ;)_ **

It's been a long time since I felt my own ward goes down, the one that I built so perfectly after Isabelle got married and it was then replaced with an old sensation I don't miss.

Annoyance. If anything, I'm annoyed.

For things to suddenly whirled and turned a few degrees of changes, I wasn't ready. Of what I'm never sure but I was already storming off to get to Jace and I remember there was only the two of us when I arrived in the house.

"Alec," he sounds surprised and yet his hands are still moving folding putting his clothes into his bag. "What are you doing here? I thought I texted you a few minutes ago."

"Why are you leaving?" I ask, not caring that my voice carries the anger in me that came out of nowhere.

"I told you. I got a job." He's still packing and he's not looking at me.

I need him to look at me.

"What job?" I ask instead, steeling myself to take a step closer and not harm him with my rage that peaks around my fingers.

"It's more like a project. I can't really explain it to you. Robert doesn't really get it when I told him." He says, shrugging his shoulders a little bit and I'm still annoyed.

"Father knew about this? And he lets you?"

He nods.

"How long are you going to be there?" I ask some more and I know I'm distracting him but I don't find it in me to care.

He sighs. He looks resigned. "I told you I don't know. I might not even come home. I told Robert if things turn out fine, I'll settle there. Clary's only nearby." He explains like nothing else seems wrong.

Everything seems wrong to me then.

"Yeah but Clary's only there for four years and later-"

"What are you trying to do here, Alec?" He cuts me off and I'm never as confused. "I'm already packing and my flight is at 8."

I gulp. "What about Max?"

He frowns. He's confused as well.

"What about him? He's at school if that's what you mean. And he knows I'm leaving." Jace turns his back at me and I feel every part in me in need of release; of what I'm still not sure of.

"But how could you leave?" I ask, sounding accusing on the edge. "Who's going to look after him?"

Jace spins around and he's facing me again and he seems exasperated at my questions. At my presence. "Alec, Max is a good boy. He's almost a grown up and he's much more matured than I was when I'm his age. He doesn't need to be look after." He's trying to convince me. I'm not convinced.

"Yeah but still-"

"Alec, don't make this harder on me." He speaks softly and adds under his voice, "It's already too much."

Right then, I thought see something.

"Jace," I say slowly, "did something happen?"

His head lifts up from where he was looking and now he stares right at me. He stares right into me and I see unplanned future and adventures yet to be exploits. And I don't want him to get hurt. The world is harsh sometimes. Too harsh.

"Nothing. It's just a project, Alec." He looks away again.

I try again. "If this is about-"

"It's nothing! Will you stop already?" He huffs and I swallow even more.

"You're leaving Jace and we won't know when you'll come home." I say, almost too theatrical to my own ears. And I guess to Jace's as well.

"I'm not going to the other side of the world. Jeez, Alec. Relax, will you?" He's trying to sound nonchalant but instead I catch the distress.

I stand there, watching Jace as he gets farther, he feels far already and he notice me after a while of silence.

He looks defeated then.

"If you're worried about me, you shouldn't be. And if it's Max, trust me. He's way capable on his own now." He's looking at me and all I wanted to say was how I trust him. I did trust him.

But I never expected him to leave.

"What makes you agree on this?" My voice finds its way up my vocal cord and it feels like I've hadn't spoken for so long.

He shakes his head lightly and he says,

"I just did."

"You're not going to change your mind, are you?" I ask him more.

He lets out a growl. "No I'm not. And if you have nothing else to say, you can go."

He stops his movement seized. He blinks and then he asks me,

"Why did you come here, Alec?"

I stay rooted at my spot and I can't give him an answer. I left Brooklyn as if the world was ending. Maybe it is.

"I thought I could change your mind about leaving." I honestly say and I wish I could erase my words. It wasn't what Jace wanted to hear.

"Why? For Max?" He laughs a fake laugh. He sounded cynical. "It's not always about you, Alec."

It's not.

"I didn't say it was about me-"

"But it is!" His voice rises and I see fire in his eyes, Jace's eyes always so clear so golden so brave so clever was replaced with contained anger. And all of it was directed at me.

"It's. Always. Been. About. You." He drags the words and I listen. I'll always do.

But trust me; it's not always about me.

"Haven't you noticed? You came here when I told you I'm leaving because you don't want Max to be alone. You gave me the responsibility to take care of him and when I let it go, you won't accept it and now you're trying to hold me back." His voice was gentle at the end. This is about him. Us. We.

I shake my head. Maybe once or twice. I don't remember.

"That's not true." I tell him. "I'm only worried. As a brother it's my job to be worried."

"Of me or Max?" Jace is fully facing me now. I told myself; all of you.

I blink. "Of both of you."

He sniggers slightly and his shoulders move and I know I shouldn't have come. Not when I'm not in my right mind.

"You shouldn't be. I'm not your brother."

A million shards of glass hits me like cold water and I'm bleeding all over myself. I'm covered with shame and sorrow and coldness clings onto my bones I can't feel my hand moves and then I saw Jace's head spin to the side.

My palm feels heavy.

The room was filled with our own suffocation in the form of silence and I didn't break it. It was Jace.

"I guess we're even now." He finally croaks out and I'm still in dazed. I stumble for words I can't find and Jace seems well prepared for the outcome that'd just occurred.

"You didn't mean it." I whisper, not able to look at him.

"No." He whispers back.

I was debating between smiling and hitting him again but in the end, I know this was how things going to work; nothing stays.

I try holding on.

I did.

And I let Max carry my wrath because he's the one that was always left behind.

Jace told me how I got it easy; being the first one to leave and Isabelle follows after me. He had to stay because I ask him to. But then for how long? How long does it take for things to heal when new wounds keep on coming?

So I let him. I told him,

"Take care of yourself. Tell Clary I said hi."

And for two years he stayed in California. For two years, this house has missed his absent. Until Max told me,

"We're having a reunion dinner and you're cooking."

And the annoyance came back. In a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short but leave me your thoughts as always! ;)


	26. Almost Complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you thank you thank you for the lovely kudos my loyal readers. So here goes the reunion of the Lightwoods. And maybe some extra appearances? *wink
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *double wink

Chapter 26: Almost Complete

I find things better when I look at a dark spot for a long time. They don't illuminate your eyes with anything and leave you delusional thoughts unless you're afraid of it.

I'm not afraid of the dark.

Not when my soul has been tainted with similar pure colour of blackness ever since I know how to handle pain, how to accept my own weaknesses and how to still stay solid on the outside.

I can still stare whenever I want to when it's only me, Max and our parents in the house. But I can't imagine how it would be like with Jace and Isabelle here. They're on their way and I'm a working form in the kitchen, settling things into places.

I'm making nothing special, just the common dishes on a normal family's menu. I want to still believe we're normal. Maybe we are, with my presence fading.

No.

Stop.

This isn't about me.

"Alec, do you need some help?" Max has been trying to keep me in reality he doesn't know I'm obscure in my own world. I've been hanging onto destiny for too long it's time I take things into action of my own.

"About three hours ago that would be nice." I answer him. My back is facing him and yet I can tell there's the smile on his face meant to lighten me. And it never failed.

"I guess that's a no. What time did mother say they'll be done?"

I have to think to remember so instead I look at the small piece of note on the refrigerator with my handwritings on it.

"Around 5. Shouldn't Izzy be here already?" I wipe my hands on a soft cloth and my fingers shamelessly welcome the comfort. I won't let anyone see how much I'm holding on.

I know if one thing I'm good at, it's being invisible.

"They're here." Max says and I belatedly catch the sound of a car's engine. I brace myself for caution measure when Max walked away and close my eyes for a second. I assume it was a second.

And when I finally peel them open to grip what little light the world has to offer me now, I see my sister's eyes across the room.

"Izzy." I exhale and she comes closer and she hugs me and I forgot how much I missed this. How much I missed the feeling of longing when I'm repeatedly hitting myself for hoping every now and then.

"I miss you too." Isabelle tells me of my unspoken words when she let go and one thing I realize is that it feels like she's still in my embrace. I guess because I know she'll always be.

"You look tired." She added. I feel tired.

Eyebrows raised jaws set lips secure lies assembled.

"I do?"

She nods a little and then I hear voices from the living room.

"Where's Sophie?" I quickly ask so that my condition doesn't linger as a topic.

This is not about me.

"With Simon. She's excited to see you." Isabelle says.

I give her a smile that shows my teeth. "Me too."

Sophie's three and she's the second. Isabelle lost her first a few weeks after her marriage and Simon gave her a whole new world still. No one was wrong when they say Simon loves her like an angel.

"Alex!" Her voice high-pitched and light and joyful and pure and innocent untangles the tightness in my chest. She has my sister's hair and Simon's eyes and nose. And she's safe with her parents.

"Hey princess." A few long steps and I cover our distance and try to keep my breathing steady. Sophie has her small fragile hands around me in an instant and usually I would pick her up. But I'm actually feeling tired.

"Alex." She wriggles her arms and still awaiting for my charms meant for her. I kiss her cheek instead.

"Sophie, you're getting heavy. Alec can't always bring you fly around." Simon pulls her off me and carry her himself. I want to tell her she's not getting heavy and I'll always carry her around, flying all over the room. If I could manage it somehow.

"Come here Sophie. Let's go up and get change. We'll play some more with Alec later, alright?" Isabelle takes her by her small wrist and I watch two orbs dances with a hint of excitement.

"Okay." She speaks and nods her head ever so curtly and I smile even more at her and Isabelle. She's a good mother.

"Hey Alec." Simon flashes me a friendly beam that I can't return. Maybe that's the reason he frowns faintly. I jerk my head forward as a gesture of welcoming.

"You look…" he hesitated, searching for the right word and I help him by saying,

"Tired?" He shakes his head.

"I was going to say cooked. You got soot on your face." I handle a chuckle.

"Wow. That makes me feel a lot better." From what I can say, things are actually going smoother than the way they played out in my head ever since last night.

I didn't crack a sleep at all. Simon gives me his lopsided grin yet nothing can hide his matured features on his face; the lines on his forehead, shadows just below his eyes and the tightness at the corner of his mouth-symbols of a working man as a husband and a father.

"I just finished in the kitchen. I'll see you at dinner. Right now I need a shower."

Simon simply blinks his eyes and I didn't look back at him. I take the steps on the stairs carefully and I can hear Sophie's voice down the hall. I stop right in front Max's door and I reach out to knock but then I hear his voice from the other side.

All wrong.

When the door swings open, Max is fully in my view, hunching by the side of his bed and holding his head like his whole life depends on it. I walk in quickly and lock the door. Hundreds of fragments I know as memories flutter the back of my head and I push them all away like I did any other times.

Max is still shaking and trembling and I take hold of his hand and he didn't seem surprised. This is the first time that he has a seizure ever since I came home. And I wonder what triggered it.

"Max, can you hear me?" He nods his head and together, we count like we always did and it seems like a very long time ago when he was still the small kid and I was still a dent. I tell him to breath and he sucks in air like it's never enough. His frame is steady with control and I know I'm weaker than him. He lets go of the pain and yet he never gives in.

Whereas I drown with misery. All the time.

"You can let go now." He's panting and I release my hands from him. We both sit down on the floor and Max leans on his bed.

He sighed. "After a long time, it gets really hard to push it down."

"You forgot to take your pills?" I ask in whisper. I feel him nod by my side.

"You're not on them anymore, right? You don't even spasm a hitch nowadays." Max states and I know he's just trying to bring back the nerves in his system, to feel his hands his arms his legs gaining strength after all the exertion and I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him without hurting him.

I rarely have seizures nowadays because I took the pills. But then I stopped and something else started in me. Something that grows and stays in my nervous system and instead of messing with my nerve cells, it attacks my brain.

How do I tell someone I'm sick? That I'm probably dying and I reject the treatment because I can't accept the outcome. I'll heal but something else won't.

"I still do sometimes." I lie. "You just never see it."

His eyes grow wide as if he didn't expect that and I'm forever sinful for my dishonesties. I love Max. I love my family. And maybe that's why I'm lying.

"Huh." He leans more and I let him borrow my shoulder. I've long decided that nothing can redeem my lies to my family. To the ones I love. I'm just grateful that I have one less person to lie to.

But my chest still hurts. My eyes still burns and my tears sting me worthlessly. My head won't tell me what to do what I'm supposed to do and I've left my heart aside to bleed dryly.

I get up on my feet as quickly as I push my self-sympathy into the darkest hole and I bury them deep so that I won't feel.

"I'm going to clean up. Don't be late." I didn't hear Max's answer.

By the time I slip again, I'm under the shower and the water hits my face like mini kisses and they flow down appreciated, cleansing me off my agony but I still feel tired. I took my time. But then I'll start to remember and I feel cold all of a sudden.

I move like I'm programmed.

By the time I got downstairs, everyone was already gathered in the dining room. Sophie's hands automatically reaching out for me but then my eyes are locked with Jace's and Clary's by his side, still so small and petite and holding Jace strong.

"Alec, I was just about to get you." Mother chimes happily from the end of the table. I look at father and he nods a clear command. I take my seat like I'm still a child. I am his son.

"I thought you said not to be late." Max whispers to me and Clary's all beaming and smiling and Jace looking like Jace. Isabelle and Simon at the other end are occupied with Sophie.

"I'm sorry. Didn't hear you guys arrive." I say, more to Jace than to my parents.

"Just tell me you missed me already." Jace is grinning but there's something else behind his cheeks that he's hiding. Clary pats him lightly on his arm and turns to me,

"It's nice to see you, Alec."

Father clears his throat and we eat dinner in peace, at least most of us. Simon is trying to get greens into Sophie and she's sticking out her plastic fork as a weapon. When I catch her eyes, she gleams her youth and I feel so old.

We talk. Mother keeps asking Isabelle about getting pregnant again and wishing for a grandson while father discuss about work with Jace. Clary looks genuinely happy when Max talks about art-centric things with her. The whole time I was avoiding Simon's pleading look that asks for my mother to change her subject. I play with Sophie instead.

I can feel the moonlight shifts although I'm roofed in the house and clouds move away to let the space shines with silver and blue. I like to consider these kinds of matters I won't call it thinking. It's up to me and my decisions.

Beyond the noises of the chit chats going around the table, I can hear father's weariness, mother's exhaustions, Isabelle's contents, Simon's perplexes, Jace's silent apologies, Clary's undying supports, Max's troubled thoughts and Sophie's undiscovered imaginations. I'm above all is a silent sound. I make no blare to announce my existence as I welcome their tones of life.

And I detect one similarity among them.

They still have love and hope.

I have them. I don't need to give my heart away for them.

I was so focused on Sophie I barely heard the doorbell rings and when it did for the second time, I hand Sophie to her father.

Before I grab the handle, my visions went blurred and like any other time, I shed it off like a cough.

"Alec."

His voice. I know that voice.

"Alexander?"

How come I still remember his voice?

His pitch's so perfect his tone so beautiful and the way his tongue roll my name…

Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! That was unexpected, wasn't it? Don't worry, I save Jace's part for the best in the next update. Let me know what you think! *kisses


	27. Seeking Out Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What can I say? Thanks for still reading and enjoy this next chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 27: Seeking Out Strength

"He had an accident." Max says. "He lost his memories and he doesn't remember Alec. That's why Alec came home. He let Magnus have a new life."

A retell of what used to be my life plays out in words that spills heavily from Max's young mouth and we're encased in muteness of disbelieve. Did I ever tell you they never knew about Magnus until just now? Well now they know. And so do you.

"Alec," Isabelle speaks her voice a soft whisper, "Why didn't you tell us?"

Pairs of eyes on me and I'm looking down on the floor. The way he says my name echoes in my ear and I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. But I'm still so tired.

"Alec?" Mother is looking at me, staring like I'm lost. Jace is standing with his arms cross and he gives me no look to decipher. Clary is always by his side and Simon went up to put Sophie to bed.

Father is glaring.

"It wouldn't have changed anything." I say, breaking the tormented silence.

"We would've been there for you." I'm not sure who said it but I think it was Isabelle. She seems like the only one who is still capable in talking after knowing what had happened to Magnus. To me.

"You would and it's still going to end up like this. It happened." I try to sound dismissive but then father is still in the room.

"He's right." Father speaks. I hold my breath. I think everyone else is. "It happened already. But I want to know why he came on our doorstep this evening. What did he come here for?"

I gulp and swallow and blood now tastes like water to me.

I don't have anything to say.

"I don't know." I might've whispered the words because then father said,

"Speak up, son." The fact he raised his voice slides off me when he calls me son.

"I don't know." I repeat for him, louder this time.

Jace finally moves and lets out a heavy sigh. Just heavy, nothing more.

"It's been quite an evening for all of us. I say we go to bed early and pretend nothing happened except for the wonderful food Alec cooked for us."

That seems to snap my father and the rest of us back to before, back to what we had before my worlds collide-my past. Clary's eyes shines fire, reflecting Jace's words and Isabelle's lips are lost for letters she forgot how to pronounce. Max has dry out of stories to tell- it has reach to the present time and mother and father simply nods their consent.

A millennium passed and I'm in my room with Jace leaning near my window. I'm frozen on my bed looking guilty like a criminal of unspoken records, mostly about lying and not telling the truth.

"So," Jace suddenly speaks when he's completely standing under the moon's embrace, blessing the ray that splits the dark night sky with his glory and I've been so prepared for him to talk,

"How are you?"

His question shocks me to the extent I can't answer a simple question like that. I blink idiotically at him.

"Max says you've been acting weird. He knows something's up with you and you're trying to hide it while you can." He casually tells me and I'm glad for the lightness in our conversation.

"What else did he tell you?" I ask, looking down on the floor and exchanging gaze with the small cracks between the tiers.

"He didn't tell me about Magnus. And I'm pretty sure it's because you didn't want anyone else to know." Jace explains and I subconsciously nod at him.

"So what now?" Jace asks me and my eyes lock with his like a long lost twins. He sees my blank background and that scares me even more to think that I'm too much transparent already.

"You'll work it out with him?" He asks.

"With who?" I ask him.

"Magnus." He says.

I frown. "Why would I?"

Jace's body straighten and he's no longer leaning. "I heard him, Alec. He says he remembers."

I shake my head. "It's not what you think."

It's his turn to frown. "What do you mean?"

"Things are not as simple as they look like." My answer is weak and I realize I'm a lot more tired now. I think a sleep might ease the pain that's all over me.

"Things were never simple with you, Alec." Jace sigh with no accuse and yet I feel pricked.

"You would know that." I say.

"Alec, don't start this." He somewhat pleads and huffs. I can't tell the difference because my head is clouded with sleep that never comes willingly to me. And tonight it did. With an echo of a name.

"Start what?" I think I slurred the words out.

He moves closer to me and it takes me a few heartbeats to realize that he's sitting next to me.

"You know what I mean. I don't want to stay mad at you but you'll do things that will eventually make me mad at you." He talks to me like he's talking to a twelve years old and I remember when I was twelve.

He was nineteen.

"I honestly don't know what you mean." I truthfully say and this time his sigh is filled with exasperation.

"When will you stop doing this? When will you learn that you'll always have us? That we're not something you can just throw away because you decided to? Talk to us. Live your life with us. Let us in, Alec."

I stare into Jace's eyes and underneath the golden there is sincerity and maybe a tint of fading out strength. Am I the cause of that?

I look back down at the floor and instead of seeing cracks my vision is now layered with the images of my family. My siblings. Max. Izzy. Jace. A new story. Clary. Simon. A new life. Sophie.

Tired hands callous fingers and veiny arms lay limp in my lap and I finally understand. I finally retrieved what was lost of me.

Strength. So I nod my head.

Jace's eyes dim their gloom and bursts with different shades of sunlight.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way." I tell him. "It's wrong because you're my brother."

"Hey," he says the word and it lingers like laughter, his arm wrap around my shoulder, "we're more than just brothers."

He grin Jace's grin and I'm a wreck if I don't smile. So I did.

Before he left my room, I told him,

"I never throw you guys away, you know. I've always been trying to not make things hard on everybody but I guess they always backfire on me." I sounded lame to my own ear.

But Jace smiles even more, his hand on the door and he's halfway outside and I feel some of the heavy feeling that cloaks me like a friend lifts away.

Jace says,

"I know. You simply hide us from your real world. Goodnight Alec."

I didn't get to wish him goodnight. He's already gone and I feel another warm hold encircles me and I know it's because of Jace.

But it won't be enough, I tell myself. I know because this is me. I know that even when I close my eyes and I go to sleep tonight welcoming the thawing concrete I built as barriers, I will still hear a voice and it says my name like no other.

And in my sleep I will dream of hundreds of fluttering coming from blades of cherry blossoms, petals that will bring me nightmares when I wake up.

And although I hate to admit it; like the nights before I will still wake up tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. Did I do a good job and would you like to read Magnus's scene between this chapter and the previous one? Let me know and I'll consider it! :)


	28. Losing Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Surprise surprise. Hah. Gotcha. Bet you didn't expect this so quickly right? Well thanks to your responds I pick up the courage to get this down. Enjoy. :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter 28: Losing Me

"What were you thinking?!" Catarina's voice is like a lighter; laced with grace and yet holds some flame. I know she's angry and I know it's because of what I did.

I'm waiting for her to curse her words out.

"I didn't know the whole family was home." Ragnor defends himself and the three of us, now standing under the light of my apartment knows that it's useless.

"We had a deal to keep him away from Alec. That's what he'd wanted." Catarina keeps on talking and I exist beyond the space as long as I don't make a sound. They talk like I'm not even here.

"And what about what I want?" I ask and I swear I saw the annoyance rip off from both of my friends' faces the second I let loose my lips. Catarina holds her tongue, no doubt thinking about yelling at me with "Shut the hell up" and Ragnor narrows his eyes.

"If I knew you were going to act like how you did, I wouldn't have let you meet with him. You said you wanted to talk.  _To talk,_  Magnus." Ragnor portrays me an utter disappointment and I swallow my apologies.

"So now that I know where he lives, you're both going to kill me." I say without any intention.

Ragnor tsk. "You  _knew_  where he lives. You just don't remember."

Catarina crosses her arms over her chest and I wait for the sound of a star drop dead from the sky because that's exactly what I'm seeing, apart from a pair of blue eyes. I might be haunted by azure and I don't mind it.

But it just wasn't the same when I look at him.

"You still think this is a joke, don't you? Magnus, you lost your memories. Big deal. Alec gave up his whole life for you." Catarina spats out every word and each time I'm wounded by unseen force. Her face is written with agony I could not understand but what I know is that it's not meant for me. It's for Alec.

"I remember him, Cat. I really do. It's just that-tonight was different. He looked…" I can't find the word and we're all silent with only the sound of the clock ticking accompanying us.

"I don't care if you remember him. That doesn't make up anything for what you've done." Her eyes on mine and I witness too many things too deep but what's on the surface made me sure why I became her friend. She gleams unwavering faith.

"I never say it would."

She turns her back on me. "Good. Keep that in your mind and move on, Magnus. From what I know, Alec is still nobody to you."

She left. Just like that and I wonder for a moment if Ragnor was going to leave as well but then he let gravity pulls him down and he's crumpled in the couch.

"Shit. Shit shit shit." He quietly whispers and I interlace my fingers and let my head falls. I feel old like myself.

My head plays out tonight's event and still I can't erase his eyes from my sight. He's like a spectre, coming and going whenever he wants but after finally seeing him, his mirage decided to stay and bury deep behind my retinas. And I can't rid my mind of him.

Alexander Lightwood.

_"Alexander?"_

_I saw him took a sharp breath and his hand suddenly stammers but he hides it. Oh he hides it so well I wonder how good he is at hiding other things. I remember something about pain and his features broke my heart._

_He's definitely the guy in my dream. No, not a guy. Angel. Blue Eyes. That's it. That's his name. I used to call him that._

_But under the night firmament I can hardly see his eyes. I can scarcely make out the outline of his face yet I'm so desperate to get lost in the deep blue I've dreamt so much I remember the exact shade of them. Like a sea. An ocean. Bottomless. Never judging._

_"Alec, who is it?" A voice came from behind him and I caught sight of blonde hair and I still can't recognize who that is._

_Alec is still frozen staring looking at me and I break even more to see him that way. So I quickly say,_

_"Alec, I remember. I finally remember." I hope for the words to be enough and right then I wish I could take it back; the hoping. It would never be enough._

_"Magnus?" The blonde hair belongs to a guy seemingly younger than Alec and my tongue tries to pronounce something that starts with the letter J but I still couldn't recall. And when I look back at Alec, something shifted. My assuredness was replaced with confusion and I'm all of a sudden not so sure anymore._

_I try to hold on and my hand flings out of nowhere to catch another. And the warmth I usually imagine radiating out from those soft delicate fingers was eerily cold. I'm struck shocked._

_He pulls away too fast and I'm a beat too late when I asked,_

_"Why's your hand so cold?"_

_"I didn't know you were joining us tonight. Come on in, Magnus. Alec, you won't want him to freeze outside." The blonde said and I'm still waiting for Blue Eyes to speak-to say something-anything as long as he speaks. And when he finally did, I know I don't deserve to feel the hurt but I still do._

_"He's not with us. He's not coming in. Go home, Magnus." His voice, so monotone so fake creeps my soul and I feel hope slipping away._

_"Alec, what are you saying? Didn't you invite him for dinner?" The blonde asks and something hits me then. He doesn't only hides, he carves in deep and he lets nothing go through even the smallest fracture._

_"I didn't." He won't look at me. I dread for his eyes and he won't let me in. He made to close the door but I'm already blocking it with my arm._

_"Alec, listen to me." I plead. He shakes his head and I feel terrible for doing this._

_"You have to listen to what I have to say-"_

_"You lied." He stops his attempt to lock me out and I let my firmness dies down. "You broke our deal. I owe you nothing, Magnus."_

_I lick my lips. I feel dry inside out._

_"I know. But you have to let me-"_

_He pushes the door again and I'm still blocking it until I heard Ragnor coming to my side and Alec's face turns crimson._

_I've never seen him so angry._

_"Magnus, what the hell are you doing?" Ragnor asks me and my arm ceased away from the door. He looks at Alec then and I see different flashes exchanged between them; unsaid words of what I don't know._

_"How could you." Alec says from the small gap that's left between us as he slowly shut the door and I felt more than heard how it was directed to both of us._

"Still thinking how you managed to eff this entire night with your  _talking_?" Ragnor's voice shatters my brooding and I sigh. Leaning into the couch I say,

"He looked so skinny."

Ragnor puffs. "I noticed that as well. And you're not getting away with this. Not with Cat. We both messed up tonight. Big time."

I somewhat chuckle and snort at the same time but I don't think Ragnor hears it.

"What now, Ragnor?"

A hum comes before the answer. "I think Cat's right. You should move on."

I groan. He keeps on talking.

"Think about it, Magnus. If Alec really wanted to get back with you he wouldn't have shut the door. That was a positive no."

"You're not helping." I say.

"I was helping you and look where I stand now." He closes his eyes and I feel sleepy looking at him.

He speaks again and this time softer,

"And I wasn't referring to Catarina."

A stab. A slash. Not deep enough. It won't compare.

"Sometimes,  _just love_  isn't sufficient for things to work out. You of all people should know that."

I blink and I'm getting sleepier. "I should?"

He nods lazily. "That's how you fell for him. And that's also why he was determined to leave."

I don't get that part. Maybe it's because I'm getting too drowsy and I hear Ragnor's soft snores and in moments I'm passed oblivion.

I still dream of blue eyes tonight.


	29. Nothing To Offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: ...
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns the characters. My only rights are for the mistakes and feelings I share with dear readers. *wink

Chapter: Nothing To Offer

Five days. Ever since  _that_  night, Ragnor hadn't stop calling me and when he finally figures out that I'm never picking up, he sends me texts. A lot of them.

I hadn't heard from Catarina as well and my hunch says she's punishing herself by doing that.

Magnus…

I stop thinking. I don't want to think. It still hurts, thinking.

So here I am tonight, in the reading room with a book in my hands and I breathe in the content of undying prospects. I like this, I tell myself. I really do. My phone vibrates on the table and I didn't have to glance at it to know that it was Ragnor. I didn't expect it was a call however. I sneak a look at the time and there's three minutes left till eleven.

It stops and goes off again after a few seconds and I still let it. I hold it in and carry on reading. I thought I could endure the little distractions but I lost it when I feel a headache coming.

So I press answer.

"Oh God, Alec. Thank god you answered. Listen-" Ragnor's voice sounds the same to me even with the lingering rage I feel towards him. His voice was the one I had always found when I've strayed too far and it lured me out from the dark. But the way he speaks wasn't. It was rushed and flustered and haste.

So I cut him off by saying,

"I think you got the wrong number. I'm not God. I'm just Alec."

I didn't hear him laugh and I now realized something must be wrong. Something is always wrong.

"You have to help me, Alec. I know what I'm asking you is just too much but I don't know who else to call. Catarina hung up on me." He's pleading and I feel bubbles of acid in my stomach purge me with guilt. I still think of him as my friend.

"What is it?" I ask; all ears and willing and the bubbles drive themselves into tranquillity. For now.

I hear him take a few deep breathes and I can imagine him gathering up courage to speak out the words.

"I left Brooklyn this morning for work and my director suddenly sent me up on a trip to LA."

I'm surprised with only that sentence. "You're in LA?"

"Yeah. But that's not the deal." He cut himself hurried. "I told Magnus that I will call once I arrived and it's been almost twelve hours since I last heard anything from him." He explains and he can't see me cringe at the name.

"So?" I try to sound neutral. I don't know what came out.

He sighs and I mentally see him ruffling his hair. He always does that when he's distraught.

"I know you don't care anymore and it's fine- but Magnus have been acting weird since the last time he saw you. He's easily ticked off nowadays and I can't help but think something bad happened. To him."

I wanted to say "So don't think" but I know I'll sound rude than just joking. Ragnor keeps on talking.

"Listen to me Alec. Magnus wasn't lying when he said he  _remembers_. Not entirely but sometimes, he's almost himself just with the little things he does without conscious. And lately, he's been…I don't know- he's Magnus again. He's actually Magnus."

I ask him,

"Ragnor, what exactly do you want me to do?"

"I need you to give him a call. Who knows maybe he'll answer you." It scares me how Ragnor could come up with this.

"And he didn't pick up his phone when you called? How many times did you try? Maybe he's asleep. It  _is_  almost midnight already." I say, trying to make up logics and drill them firm in Ragnor's ears but he didn't fall for it. For a completely rational reason.

"I _did_  call him. From seven. Who sleeps at that time?" He asks, losing his patience from the other end and I'm still trying to say no.

"What if he doesn't answer?"

"Then it means something bad did happen." Ragnor says and I wish he didn't. Not out loud. "I'm already on my way back." He continues. "If anything, just call for 911 and give them Magnus's address."

"Fine. Once I hear his voice I'll hang up." I didn't have to tell him that but I wanted to justify myself, to myself.

"Thank you, Alec." He ends the call and I stare at my phone like I've never seen it before.

I can do this, I persuade myself. Just one call and then quickly end it.

I scroll too far to the bottom to notice that it's been so long since I've called him. I press dial and there's a tone until it die and a woman's voice greet my ears. He didn't pick up. I try again.

Till the fifth attempt I've lost my fear and I'm clouded with anxious. Why wasn't he picking up?

After the seventh time, I hear Ragnor's voice telling me to call 911 but then my mind won't comprehend that. I don't even know what was wrong and what am I supposed to tell the operator?

The book in my hand is now left forgotten on the table and in its place is my phone, securely handled in between my fingers and I try not to think of the worst. Even if he was sleeping, he must've heard the phone. So why didn't he pick up?

I stop right there when I feel my headache came back and I'm left with no other solution.

I drive to Brooklyn. To Magnus's apartment.

By the time I reach the building it was already late. A clear view of the moon with the lamination of the sky calms me in some sort. I am getting a little too fidgety I didn't even question this. I move forward.

The guard recognizes me and he lets me in. I take the elevator up to the top floor and only then I remember I don't have the key anymore. It didn't hurt a bit though.

What terrifies me is that when I try for the knob of Magnus's front door, it actually turns and I'm inside the apartment. The door wasn't even locked and that gives me an assumption that he wasn't home.

But then I've come so far I have to make sure of it. So I secure the living room first then the kitchen. I find his phone on the counter, countless missed calls mainly from Ragnor. Hearing no sound of water coming from the bathroom I aim his bedroom last.

This is where it gets stuffy and I find myself hard to breath. I don't even know what I'll find and yet too many thoughts cross my head like a train crash.

I push them away as I push the door.

It's dark and I have to adjust to the lighting for a moment before I see a form on the bed. Magnus's head poke from the blanket that's covering him and he's facing the window. What little light that manage to escape the curtains enter the room and they fall perfectly on his face that I can make out his features easily.

He's dreaming. I know that because his eyes are moving frantically behind his closed eyelids and I wonder for a moment if he's having a nightmare. But would I have cared?

Seeing him sleep I promptly feel tired again. I feel sleepy almost instantly and a soft moan pulls me straight.

I look at Magnus again and he's suddenly coughing, his whole body seems to convulse and without knowing my feet move to his side of the bed.

Up close I notice that he's trying hard to keep himself thoroughly covered and he's slightly shivering. My hand shots out of nowhere and I feel his forehead.

It's warm. He sniffs and I blink million lashes.

Before I can pull my hand away, his eyes flutters open and I'm met with golden green I've tried to erase. They just won't come off, will they?

He blinks a few times and I think he thinks he's dreaming because he croaks out,

"Look what you've done. I can't feel my nose because of all the crying."

My eyebrows are furrowed at him. "Why had you been crying?"

"Because I miss you so much and you won't be here when I wake up."

Something stuck at my throat and it won't let me tell him how much I miss him as well. And maybe even more.

"You're having a fever, Magnus. Ragnor is worried sick of you." Instead I tell him.

"Aren't you worried for me?" He asks, his voice visualising how dry he must be feeling. I offer him a glass of water.

"You have to drink." That's all I say to him and I never know it works miracle. He drinks it without protest.

"Stay with me." He says, catching me at my wrist and I'm grateful for the sleeve that keeps the contact apart. I might break if he touches me.

"I can't go back now. It's late and I need to sleep as well." I fight back a yawn. My bones feel heavy and I really feel like sleeping.

He gives himself the trouble to move a few distances away and he pats lightly by his side. I think I shake my head almost too vigorously. My headache makes its return.

"No. I'm sleeping outside in the living room." I tell him and I feel myself swaying a little. I'm probably really tired right now.

"I thought you said you'd stay." He slurs out and no one knows how much I'm regretting this.

"I am staying but I'm not sleeping in here." Not tonight. It won't even hurt too much then.

"But I want to hold you." Magnus says it innocently I can't keep my eyes dry. I choke back a cry and I sit on the bed defeated by my own betrayal. "Please," he adds and I have to close my eyes.

I know this will keep on going and he's not quite awake and I'm tired myself so I nod my head and I tell him,

"I'll sleep here but you can't touch me." I'm lying. I want him to touch me. I will never stop to wish for his caress and I witness how his eyes lose its spark faintly.

"Go back to sleep, Magnus." He nods and I carefully lie down and the mattress greets me after so long missing my presence. I lay on my side and my back is toward Magnus and I'm just so tired right now.

I know what I'm doing is wrong. This is wrong. Or is it?

I can't really think right now. I'm too sleepy to even move and then I feel the bed dips a little behind me. I feel new warmth close to my spine and I'm covered under the blanket as well.

I don't even have the strength to decline it and when I feel his arm encircles me, I break down. I can't even bring myself to cry as I lulled to sleep and I let him.

I just hope I won't be too tired in my sleep because I won't know if I'll wake up tomorrow. And he'll realize this is not a dream.

I'm too far gone already.


	30. Still Dreaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yup. We've arrived to the thirtieth chapter and it's a whole new year. I welcome 2016 with this chapter of Magnus' pov and a brighter story line. For now. Enjoy!
> 
> Disclaimer: Cassandra still owns the characters. The future won't change my last name to Clare. I'll still be Maple today and tomorrow as I were yesterday. And I hope I'm bringing more feelings and less mistakes in my writing. *wink

Chapter 30: Still Dreaming

My head throbs. My throat feels dry and my eyes won't budge open. Someone must've glued them together and my muscles hurt without moving. I feel heavy but my chest weighs light.

That doesn't happen nowadays.

I remember hearing distant ringing and my phone lies vibrating on the kitchen counter unattended for angel knows how long. Ragnor will be furious with me. I know it's him because Catarina isn't talking to me. No one else is.

I also recall a less vivid, peculiar dream; a dream that seems almost unbecoming if it wasn't for my self-cured cold that still lingers to taunt me. I remember seeing his face so close after so long and in place of fury in his eyes I saw days ago, I see just blue. Just blue.

My heart aches and yearns for Alec. Seeing him like that even when I'm the one bounded in bed just for crying and missing. I like feeling miserable so that I can tell myself I deserve it. But he seems compel to keep me away I'm less than hopeless.

When I touch him-no, more like grab him lightly by his wrist, I can actually tell his own rejection and from there I know I'm never forgetting ever again. And if I do, I will make sure I'm dead already.

Nothing compares to the blurry sight I took of him while I was still dazed and confounded; him forcing his cry to dry even before they're made known, holding onto something I don't even know what's more terrible- being refused or refusing.

He lies down too hesitantly and I wonder if he really means it. But I know I'm not the only one feeling the coldness creeping up and stealing what's bliss in the room so I bravely cover him under the blanket. And when he didn't pull away, my hand decides I can do more and I'm purely guilty.

But my heart knows how much I want this. And it might be selfish of me but he wants it too.

I would've keep my eyes open just to see him so close to me if I weren't so sleepy and tired and I'm spiralling down to my slumber of fever once again, but with a different kind of warmth enveloping me this time.

I was so certain things will get better when I woke up.

The fever is almost gone, that I can tell and the ambience in the room are somewhat lacking of sun rays that usually lights up the area, notifying that dawn was still measurable away.

At first, I was scared to open my eyes, terrified of knowing that it really was just a dream and I will find myself all alone in my room in my bed. But then I feel it, my arm rising and falling to someone else's breathing as it wrapped securely around a form and I shock myself into thinking that this can't be real.

I want it to be real.

A flash of dark hair is what greet me when I finally gather enough courage and Alec's back is facing me. Only then I become conscious of everything; my hand on him, my distance between him and what's keeping us apart other than our own conflict and how I wish for things to have not happened the way they did.

He shifts and I froze. My hand lay rigid as he turns and he's facing me and I can't take it. Not when I know that when morning comes, this will all just be a sweet nightmare and cruel fantasy.

So I close my eyes and I try to pull myself steady. I force myself to go back to sleep, to ignore the thumping in my heart and the thudding in my skull when a voice evades my hearing like a perfectly tuned violin.

"Are you awake?"

I gulp. He sees it. I open my eyes to be graced by two orbs of shining azure and I feel my inside ignites with a long lost feeling.

I know this guy. And I know the person I used to be loved him. I think I still do.

"Yes." I whisper.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, whispering back at me and he blinks his sleep away innocently and I don't realize my head moving towards his, closing the small gap between the pillows.

"Better." I tell him. He smiles. I blossom.

"Great." He says and his eyes begin to droop and I wonder if he's going back to sleep again.

"Are you still tired?" I ask.

He nods. Once. Twice. Almost lazily.

I find his hands under the cover and he doesn't pull away. They felt limp in my touch. And surprisingly as how I remember them to be, cold.

"Why are your hands always so cold?" I ask him, still sounding groggy and slurring my words. He doesn't seem capable to keep his eyes open but he still answers me and he softly say,

"I'm sick, Magnus." His words keep me on my edge and I let my fingers hold his tighter, firmer and altogether. I try to bring back some of the heat to him. He doesn't deny them.

"Don't wake up before me." After a long silence, although I'm not sure whether Alec is still awake or not I speak. I've been thinking about it in my head and it finally finds its way to my vocal cord.

I'm scared of him leaving and I'm still in my dreams.

Alec's eyes flutter and I hold my breath.

"Then let me sleep."

His half-lidded eyes shatter something in me and my gaze trails all over his face before I realized I'm so close so close so close.

I break.

Thousands of yearning and I touch him with a soft, slow brush on his upper lip with mine and I fight back urgency. A small nibble felt at my own lips and our foreheads touched. His eyes are closed and I want to tell him to wake up, to not go to sleep yet and to let me get rid of whatever's hurting him.

His breath on my cheek, his eyelashes flicker lax sensation on my nose and we stay that way. A kiss not really a kiss and asleep but not really asleep.

I let time pass and I'm once again down under.

The next time I'm awake again, Alec's eyes are fixed on me I think they had been staring at me when he'd come around. I didn't say a thing. He keeps his mouth shut and I wonder if I can repeat my action just hours before when I noticed that we're still so close and I'm still permitted to hold him.

"Good morning." I finally say.

His eyes flicker somewhere towards the door and for a moment I thought he was going to dash out from the apartment the second he got the chance but then he says,

"The sun's been up for a long time."

I feel myself relaxed even more and his eyes are still fixed on me. I decided to feel bold. Slowly but surely my head moves closer to his and he's not moving, not a sign of retreating from him and my descent hasn't ceased. My head slightly leaves the pillow and our noses are inches apart I halt and gently graze his nose with my lips.

"There's just something about you…" I mutter under my breath knowing only Alec will hear me. His eyes, filled with livid colour of blue seek mine like a child.

"We have to talk, Alec."

"I know."

"We have to stop running from this. From us."

"I know."

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

"I'm sorry too." He says. I frown.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

His eyes suddenly snaps shut and his face draws sketches of frowns around his forehead his mouth tightly sealed. His breathing sort of lost its tempo and he's taking short strangled breath his hands arms wrap clutching around his middle.

"Alec, what's wrong?"

He didn't get to answer me he's already getting up and heading to the bathroom. I hear the door shut locked and another opens from the living room, Ragnor's voice booming from the front saying,

"Magnus Bane! Where have you been?!"

His footsteps come closer and within seconds he flings my bedroom door ajar and I'm sitting upright in my bed.

"Hello, Ragnor."

He seems utmost furious. "Hello?! Is that all you've got for me?!"

I know better so I keep my lips together and I won't lie. I still crave for Alec.

"I flew all the way back from LA after I forced the operator to get me a ticket as soon as possible, not forgetting to call the director and telling him I'd have to miss out the meeting which is very important for the company- even the old you would be mad at me- and not once I stop hoping you'd answer my call!" The words rush out of Ragnor's mouth unpractised with a tone of anger constantly building up and I'm surprised he's not panting when he'd finished.

But of course, knowing Ragnor he's barely even done and I relax on my bed waiting for him to calm down.

"Have some sense, Magnus! I'm tired and I haven't rest- no, and I mean mentally and physically, I haven't eaten or drink and I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes." He sounds whining at the end and I'm fighting hard not to laugh. He really does look out of order.

"Don't you want to know why I didn't pick up my phone?" I ask him and it seems to be the wrong question.

"I-don't-want-to-know." He grits his teeth. "You're perfectly fine and alive and now I need to make sure _I'm_ dead before-"

The sound of water coming from the other side of the room took Ragnor off guard. His eyes lock on the bathroom door before they widen in confusion and resolve to astonishment.

"Is that-"Ragnor begins but Alec is already coming out and why is he so pale?

"Ragnor." He breathes out, relieved and questioning in one pitch.

"What were you doing in there?" He asks and I slowly get up from the bed.

"I-I think I better go." Alec quickly say, avoiding my eyes and Ragnor's and he pushes past the latter through the door and I find my voice just in time to stop him from taking too many steps away from me.

I don't want him to leave. Not now. Not just yet.

"Alec, wait!" When he stops, I see him grip his hands and I realized they were shaking quiet violently and beads of sweats are forming on his forehead.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you sick?" He's looking elsewhere and I'm stuck staring at him.

"It's really nothing. I need to go." He moves again and I try to keep him in place with my voice.

"But we haven't talk."

He shakes his head. "There's nothing to talk. It was a mistake coming here. I shouldn't have…" He trails off, looking like he's lost his words and he doesn't have anything else to say. But I'm glad he's not reaching for the door anymore.

"Alec, we need to talk." I press on and I see conflict spreading across his face battling his inner war I don't understand why he's trying so hard to put things to end. I remember. And till this day I still can't figure out why he'd hide it from me. Why didn't he tell me?

"Why didn't you tell me we're married?"

Silence accompanies the whole system as his eyes level out with mine and his face contorted with something worse. He looks as if he's in pain.

"Why, Alec?" I ask again. "Why didn't you tell me? I had to remember to know."

"Would you've said no?" His mouth barely moves when he speaks and he's eyes glazed over with torments I didn't catch his words.

"What?" I let out.

"Would've things been different if you knew?" His eyebrows creased his skin still so pale and he's still shaking he's looking at me like nothing's holding him.

"You freaked out when I told you about our relationship, Magnus."

"That's because you've been lying to me, Alexander!"

"I didn't want to hurt you back then! It was too much I didn't think you'll be able to accept it!" His holding onto the wall now and I swallow my words. Frail is the phrase I'd use for this.

"No, I won't." I say. "I won't be able to accept it straight away but now that I've finally remembered-"

He cuts me off so expertly I know I'm losing my way.

"That is exactly why I never told you." His voice is now trembling but his words stay faithful. "You'll expect yourself to feel like you love me when you barely know me anymore."

He takes a shaky breath and says,

"Magnus, the worst of me is to think that you'll return to me nonetheless but that's wrong. You can't tell someone they love you. You don't."

A hundreds of blades won't match Alec's words and here I am, still standing bathed in what I assume to be my own blood of ignorance and he's still struggling to keep himself standing.

"You're right." I tell him. I take a step, two step three step more steps and I stand in front him willing my soul to recognize this, to see me and him together and I say,

"No one's making me say this so listen well, Alexander."

My fingers close around his neck and I ignore the heat coming from him. I keep on talking.

"I remember you. I remember us and trust me when I say this; I love you."

I lean in and close my eyes.

I touch his soul.

It feels like dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's late but Happy New Year. :)


	31. What We Were

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh thank god. I finally updated (avoid eye contact from the screen). It's short and it's not much but this is what I came up with in an hour so I hope you like it. Do let me know. And thank you so much for the previous responds, my dear readers! :)
> 
> Disclaimer: This story is coming to an end and I still don't see myself writing Magnus the way Clare does so evidently, nothings mine except for the mistakes and feelings in the story. Proceed. *wink

Chapter 31: What We Were (edited)

A rough shove and we're worlds apart. I'm dazed and he's flushed, still shaking from the internal force that seems to break his bones and waiting for him to crumble. His palm reaches me faster than when the oxygen cuts off and I recover a second later feeling no sting on my cheek.

I can't feel anymore when I'm away from him. And yet he's in front me.

Tears assemble in his eyes looking so devastated and I wonder what was lacking in my words. I didn't realize it until he speaks again and his voice sounds different.

"We had a deal, Magnus." If not for the glaze in his eyes, I would've broken all barriers to get to him and shut him from the world with just my arms enclosed around him but I know it's not enough. It will never be enough.

"I didn't claim anything from you, not even what we used to have. You agreed you wanted it so why can't you just let go?" He says, looking down at his feet and trembling on the edges of his form, his words confused and begging.

I try to fight my rational but I see no end. I thought I could win this.

"We moved on." He carries on, speaking to his toes as if in entrance and I make effort to listen. I need him to understand. But he seems too far away. "We've been living fine for these past days…I have only started to not remember the last digit of your phone number…I always shut my eyes when I'm in the shower because then I won't be able to see and I know it's just me in the room…I finally managed to cry so little when I watched our favourite movies…I sleep on my cover so that I won't dream of being hugged and feeling so warm in the night…And I can finally wake up without feeling scared of being left…because it already happened."

Someone choke me I guess because once he was done, I lost my words and my voice is not in the state of sound. I notice I've been gripping my hand too hard I have my fingernails imprinted in lines.

"Don't you see?" He says in the same tone. "It's not about whether you remember or not, Magnus. It's me. I've stopped praying for you."

Right then, I felt a sting not on my cheek but somewhere else. Somewhere I can't describe so I grab him by the shoulders and I force my eyes on his.

"Then what am I supposed to do when you haunt me every night ever since you left?! What can I do when I've finally remembered everything and it turns out to be pointless?! Because then I won't have you here with me!"

"Is that what you really want?" His voice was so small I almost missed it in the midst of my outburst. He's so composed and I'm losing. I've stepped into a battle I don't know which side I'm with because everywhere I turn, weapons are aimed at me, against me.

"I want it to be us again." I tell him. "You're strong enough to let me walk away with someone else, Alec but that was just pretentious, we both know it. And if it were me, you know me. I'm not strong enough to see you with someone else. Because then I won't feel like I'm anything at all."

"You're everything that's ever happened to me, Magnus."

He lifts up his head and we look into each other to see nothing but broken longing. It's been too long. He's telling me with his eyes. He's almost fading and I have yet to tell him my answer. He wants to know my answer.

"And you're everything to me." I say, honest and all the time, remembering.

"I'm not the same anymore, Magnus. The person you remember, he's not here anymore." Alec says and I nod too fast.

"Me too. I'm not the same-"

"You're not listening." He cuts me off and I take a step forward and he's still staring into me. Or maybe I'm staring into him.

"I am. I do listen and I know what you mean. We'll go through it together, I want to. Because you'll do the same for me."

I choose that perfect time to smile and unexpectedly, so do Alec.

* * *

_Three years ago..._

Life didn't change much after Bay Ridge Manor. We had it concealed though, because I know my parents won't like it and Magnus's was living on his own so we thought, why hurt and be hurt? No one knows except Ragnor and Catarina.

They're the ones who were always there. And they won't ever hurt us. That's the best thing about friendship.

Things sort of carry out on their own after that, falling into daily routines I can hardly complain about except for Magnus's attitude of course.

Breakfast is usually in the morning before he leaves to work and I would meet up with him and Ragnor at the diners for lunch so that he'd have ample of time to rush back to the office. Dinner wasn't something regular. He'd always request for dessert first and we'd end up going to bed hungry and tired. But content just the same.

Sometimes when he's free on the weekends, we'd go out for movies or watch some from Magnus's collections, sitting close together on the couch with his arms over my shoulder and I would lean into him. When it was his turn to decide the movie, Magnus would intentionally picked the ones with bad endings or tragic conclusions when he'd found out about my weaknesses. And I having my flaws would have to sniff my words out at the end of the credit just so he could rest his lips on my nose. I thought I was always going to be mad at him.

"It's just a movie, Alec. It didn't really happen." He would say, futilely trying to wipe away my uncontrollable cry.

I would growl and answer him under my breath. "I know but why did it have to be so sad? Why can't people just make happy endings instead of torturing their audience with fictional feelings?"

He'd shrugged and kept his mouth on my nose when he speaks, as if terrified of thinking that it would escape him and ran away.

"Life's unfair for some people. That's the only way they could come up with to get even." He breathed in and I'm still curved into him. "But I think it's just for the box-office. Tragic stories usually scores more."

And I'm seeing the reasons why I fell for this guy.

"You're an idiot." I'd say, hitting him lightly on his chest.

"I know." He'd replied. "I'm an idiot who loves you."

If, occasionally it was too early to go to bed and Magnus was feeling rather peaky due to his work, I would pull out some of the board games and lay it on the floor. Magnus always chose Monopoly. It's his favourite, he told me. Ragnor usually played with him and the former would end up facing bankruptcy.

I didn't trust him. And so we came up with a bet every time we played; when one buys a property the other must take off one of whatever clothing he had on.

And Magnus never lost. Not once.

By the time we came back to our senses, realizing the game wasn't even over and clothes were thrown all over the places, Magnus would whispered to me as I lie on my back on the bed,

"I won." And he'd proceed to my nose before I stop him.

"No, I win." I'd kiss his instead. "You're mine forever."

And that was how three years of believing we'd still have tomorrow to love each other went through like fragments of the afterlife.

* * *

_Present time..._

_"A week?"_

_"Five days and I'll come back. I'll come home."_

_"How can I trust you, Alec?"_

_"You've always trust me. You just have to keep doing it."_

_"What if you changed your mind?"_

_"Would it be wrong to live my life as I want it?"_

_When it's been shortened to numbered days I have left…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was that at the end? *runs away


	32. Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh my god did I really give the impression that the previous chapter was the end? I was hoping it was the other way around. I've made some little adjustments with it so I hope you guys give it a second time reading before this chapter. Just to clear things up. Sorry it got a little confusing. I shouldn't write in such a limited time. Lesson learned.
> 
> Before we start, I really really want you guys to know I'm sorry for the lack of respond (more like next to nothing) and I hope you understand. I'm halfway through my second semester and I'm really fighting for it so again, I apologize for the irregular updates. And by the way readers, have you watched the tv show? Oh my god, you don't want me to start talking about it (I watched the entire six episodes this week, THIS WEEK and let me tell you my fangirl mode has not faltered since then. Let me just say this; MALEC is real people.
> 
> Okay. That's it. Carry on.
> 
> Disclaimer: If only Alec was mine...If people, I typed if... *wink

Chapter 32: Finally

Max's hard stare did nothing to ease the slight trembling that dances around the edges of my fingers. Usually it comes with the constant haunt of my sickness but right now it was because of inflicted feelings.

"A week." He mumbles while his gaze never faltered on my movements. I zip my bag and look around the room, trying to find anything I might've missed out all the time avoiding his eyes.

"A week." He says it again much louder and this time I nod out of patience. I don't see myself crossing the lines and Max isn't backing down nor is he attacking me. It's the other way around.

"Five days and I'll come back." I croak out between what I assume used to be my tongue and I try too hard to swallow. "I'll come home." Just for reassurances when we both know things are never going to stay.

Not with me.

"Alright." He mutters. "I'm fine with that. But tell me Alec," he stands up and I suddenly see flares of a young small boy, crouched down on his knees holding his breath thinking he would explode out of relief if he lets go.

"What happens if you change your mind?"

He knows me as such I might think to myself as an open book. If only I was that simple. I fight not to smirk knowing it would hurt my brother, my selfless defenceless brother.

A deep breathe to steady myself and the trembles ceased into forgotten discomfort. I tell him this,

"Would it be wrong to live my life as I want it?"

He blinks a thousand words and I'm left alone picking them up, gathering them with only two hands. This was only Max and I have yet to tell the rest of my family when they scarcely understood what happened.

"Not if you keep getting hurt."

I can't hide the smile spreading on my face and Max is still Maxwell.

"It's a little too late for that, don't you think?" I sit on my bed and let my hand falls palm first onto the sheet, taking deep breaths and inhaling what was left to be remembered.

I'm not coming home. And Max knows it.

He's perched near the window, imitating Jace's position when the latter was still in the house years ago and I search for similitude.

I found none.

"Call me. Text me or whatever, just don't disappear like last time." His older voice says to me and I retorted,

"When was that last time?"

He shakes his head and his hair, black and dark like mine falls into his eyes. He didn't bother to push them away. He must've picked it up from me.

"I'm getting confused between you and Jace." He mumbles under his breath. "Sorry."

The last thing I need was an apology from him and he'd said sorry as if anything was ever in his control.

"Take care, Alec." He says, suddenly just beside me and he pats me lightly on my shoulder, once, twice and he was gone.

I might be the older one but wise decided to settle itself with Max and I'm grateful for that. At least he'd never stray too far off.

* * *

Straying too far off really works out for me. If it didn't, I wouldn't be here at the moment, standing facing the man I've been trying to erase and yet haunted with unrelished memories I tried forcefully to dispose.

I fail every time.

"At times, I really did think that you weren't coming back. That when I was the one who was gone but you're the one not returning." He softly whispers, as his fingers graciously skim the flesh around my neck and I close my eyes to let myself feel lost again.

"I thought I lost you back then when I started to remember. Because of all the things I've said and done to you, I could only ever recall your words to me. And it was the sign of regret you warned me."

He keeps on talking and his mouth his lips his soul are exploring me and I'm mended all over. My sight is still surrounded by darkness and yet the sensation I'm feeling brings me paradise.

This is it, I tell myself. This is how things used to be.

"Honestly, Magnus," I mutter under my breath and my voice betray me of its tremor, "I don't understand any of the words you just said."

My hands remember him so well and they wrap around him like a piece of puzzle. His height, always an inch or so more than mine makes it easier to fit when I place my head on his shoulder and I find where I belong.

"Seriously Alexander," he laughs and we're one through the shared quivering and I hold his shirt in my fists thinking I should never let go, "I think I miss you more than you miss me."

As fast as my head can move, I shake them almost vigorously and I tell him, "Don't say that," You have no idea, "Don't ever say that." My voice breaks.

"Hey," Magnus is all I'm seeing and why is there water in my eyes that very moment when I want to look at him? I want to look at him so bad I feel angry with myself I wipe my eyes with the back of my arm roughly.

"That wasn't necessary." He told me.

"I can't see properly." I told him.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you again."

I let my head fall back onto his chest this time, his collarbone on my forehead and I hear his heart beats for all the right reason.

"Magnus…" I trail off and he holds me with all his might and I feel us sway as he moves with a rhythm of his own, "My Magnus…"

"And you're my Alexander…"

Nothing in me could make his words sound like a fraud when I know perfectly well it is really him. He's my Magnus. Everything in me swells with rapture and elation just by embracing him like this.

So I make myself forget and remember all over again of what was life in this short time. And when I'm struck too deep and I feel myself fall again, every night before we go to bed I'd tell Magnus over and over again just like all the time,

"Let's be happy, Magnus."

And he'll smile and steal what's his that lies on my nose just inches from my cupid bow and say,

"And you're nothing less, Alexander."

And I close my eyes to sleep into oblivion every night not worrying how this would end because one think I know, if one of us forget, we'll have each other to remember.

Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Short chapter and a blameworthy author. I'm truly sorry for the wait I've caused to everyone who waited and thank you to those who are still with me till this chapter. Next would be the end of our journey for this story and I can't and won't promise when's the update. I pray it'll be soon. Until then, leave me your thoughts (on this chapter and what you think about the tv series, lol) and I'll see you guys soon.
> 
> Love M


	33. Reminiscent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here we are. The end of this story and the beginning of another. Let me just say how thankful I am to have gotten this far and completed yet another piece. This would've not been possible without any of you so thank you thank you thank you so much for your support and love. You'll let me know what you think of it, right?
> 
> Disclaimer: I love Cassandra Clare's books and thus, here I am owning nothing of her creations and abusing every single one of them with each accounted opportunity. Until we meet again. *kisses

Chapter 33: Reminiscent

JACE

I was surprised when he showed up in California let alone standing precisely on my threshold, wearing that sickly smile of his and knowing no one sees right through his being.

Alec was always right though. No one sees right through him. Not even me. That time has long passed as we grew older.

Clary was the one who'd invited him in to our small apartment while I gazed and stared out of surprise. I let myself fell out of grace and usual demeanour laid forgotten as I recognized Alec's face.

"If I knew you were going to react like this, I would've brought a camera." Alec said to me and Clary as he shrugged his left shoulder, "you know; souvenirs for Magnus."

"I just didn't think I'd see you here." I managed to let out, "I mean Clary just told me _just now_. When you rang the door." I said, not succeeding in hiding my shock.

Clary was grinning sheepishly before telling the both of us, "I simply forgot." Then she turned to Alec and her voice was gentle. "Sorry."

Alec smiled at her and I looked around the room, trying to find something that didn't fit with another extra presence in the loft and then I realized there was none. Alec blended in perfectly as if he used to come all the time.

"That's okay." He said. "Magnus asked me to tell you that he has some designs he would like you to look at when you come down to Brooklyn. He wants you so much for his new project, Clary. He said your talent would glamourize the front page."

I was still standing watching the two and I forgot the time I used to be able to count the words that came out of Alec's mouth as if they were too expensive vocally.

"Did Magnus really say that?" Clary asked in a tone of curiosity and playfulness assorted with a slim pride audible from her voice.

"I might've missed something between 'biscuit' and 'passion'. And a much more magnificent words used." They laughed and his eyes fell on me.

"Jace," Clary's voice reached out to me like familiar anchor tugging my heart and I know the beats will always stay for her. "Why don't you show Alec around and I'll prepare us some coffee." Clary said, following Alec's line of gaze and I nodded absentmindedly.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Come on, Alec."

We moved down from the living room to the rows of doors in a narrow strip that were hidden just past the kitchen. I showed Alec Clary's art studio, the room furthest down the hall and had a clear window visualizing the view of blue skies and some rooftops of glass-covered buildings. She had her works covering every possible area and I saw Alec's eyes lingered onto one of them. I stood next to him and stared.

At the drawing. "She drew this on the night when she had a fever."

It was an eye, the colour of mystic and surreal bound with the edges of smeared paints and pale shades; yellow and green. The violet strike out as the major but I knew exactly what that had caught Alec's attention.

"It's Magnus'." I said. He smiled.

"She really has a thing with colour. Didn't you say she was sick when she drew this?" Alec finally took his eyes off the drawing and look at me.

"We got caught in the rain on our way back from Manhattan that day, remember?"

He nodded and asked, "Why Magnus, though?"

I dropped my stare and looked down on my feet. "She cried the whole time on our way back, Alec. She wanted to do something, to help maybe, to find release and in the end, she succumbed to this."

"You mean she blamed herself? For what happened with me and Magnus?" It was my turn to smile this time.

"It's the hormones messing with her." I tried not to think about the past but I remember vaguely when we found out that she was pregnant. I've never been more alive when I hold her that night, telling her that she's perfect and everything.

"She's four months in, right? I thought I heard she said that over the phone the other day." Alec said, scratching the side of his head and I noticed how bony his fingers stuck to his skin.

"Yeah." I answered him and looking back on the canvas in front me. "Do you see this?" I pointed out the blurred outline behind the yellow orb of what was Magnus' eye and waited for his respond.

"What's that?" He asked.

"At first, she wasn't aiming for Magnus' eyes. It was a different colour when she started." I spoke with my hand crossed over my front. "It was blue. It was your eyes."

"Really?"

"Really. She got frustrated she couldn't remember the right shade. Almost went bald because of your eyes." I joked seriously.

"Who almost went bald?" A voice from the door pierced through our moment and we both turned to see Clary with her smile decorating her small face.

"You did, dear." I stretched an arm outward and she settled in my hold like always. She belongs there, right next to me.

"I'm so glad things are working out for you two." She said with full tender, glancing at the drawing for a short second before beaming at Alec. I looked over at my brother, my friend and I saw a glinting peacefulness had found its spot where frowns used to garnish Alec's forehead.

"Me too." He said before breaking into a smile again and I couldn't help but grinned as well.

Later, after Clary shut the door of her studio closed and ushered us down to the coffee she made, we were talking of a few things and I took note of how pale Alec looked by the minute but I didn't say anything.

"Jace and I were actually thinking on moving back to Brooklyn before I have the baby." Clary was doing all the sharing while I listened and nodded. Alec was withholding the same thing.

"What about your work?" Alec asked me and I blinked once.

I let out a sigh that indicated more than just a sigh. "I told Maryse about our plan and she's trying to help with the situation."

"And Sebastian?" Alec's eyebrows were furrowed.

"He'll understand. I don't stand for just two now." I looked at Clary and a small but strong squeeze was felt by my hand that interlaced with her fingers, "There'll be three of us in the future. And maybe more."

"The more the merrier." He achieved to voice out before a cough raked his whole body like storm and as fast as it arrived, it was gone.

"Alec, are you alright?" It was Clary who asked but I realized I was sitting too upright and leaning forward from the couch. I bet I looked worried because Alec looked at me and I saw something in his eyes that weren't there when I left the house.

He sniffed a little and cleared his throat quietly. All of a sudden, I felt thrills graced my soul and when Alec parted his lips to speak I didn't even think I wanted to listen to him.

"I have brain cancer." He said, as casual as he was and still the corner of his lips curled.

No one said anything for a while. Clary must have stopped breathing because I couldn't feel her heartbeat. And then I realized it a moment too late, mine stopped beating as well.

"What?" She spoke softly from beside me and I felt her trembled with uncertainty.

"What do you mean, Alec?" And that was me. I thought it was finally time for me to speak but I never expected my voice to sound so different.

"I'm sick." He said, as easy as it sound.

"Since when?"

He shrugged. "Almost a year."

I distantly heard the sound of honking and my mind traveled elsewhere. I willed myself to not think of what Alec had just said.

_A year. That is so like Alec._

"Does Magnus know?" I wasn't blinking and Clary was still rigid next me. I deliberately felt the warmth escaped from her mellow skin and I knew there was nothing I could do at that moment to help.

I was cold myself.

Alec nodded his head in a lazy manner, a nod that suspended in the air and verified a thousand more facts. "He just found out. I wanted to tell you first, I really did but when I heard Clary was having a baby, I didn't think it was the right time…"

I've always known there was something wrong going on with Alec but it didn't come to me as this. Never as this. We were old but we were still _young_.

I asked again, "Does Izzy and Simon know? Maryse and Robert?"

"I decided to tell you first. I've made a list, don't worry." He still looked calm. How could he stay calm when both me and Clary were bound with a heavy weight that came from his confession?

Clary lost her words, I guessed because she barely made a sound and her hold on my hand tightened terrifyingly.

"Max knew all along, right?" That was something I didn't have to guess. Alec had been spending his time in the house with our little brother and Max could've seen everything that was wrong.

A sob escaped Clary's throat and I felt her letting go of my hand and reached out to Alec who seemed equally surprised when Clary attached herself to him. I predicted the reaction. Hormones could make you do things unthinkable.

"H-Hey, C-Clary…" Alec's hands hovered a little and when he saw Clary wasn't budging, he hugged her in returned.

"Promise me you'll find a cure. We'll help you with the treatment, anything you need. Just tell us." Words were rushing out of her mouth and not once I look away from Alec. He rubbed soothing circles on Clary's back before locking eyes with me.

I gave him a nod that symbolizes years of shared understandings and comprehensions that grew with us together and I stopped myself from thinking of other possibilities.

Clary let go of Alec after a while and she had tears in her eyes, pearls of them dancing away and falling onto her cheeks. I couldn't stand it.

I stood up, walked over to the two and roughly pulled Alec closed to me. I wound my arms around his shoulders and I felt how sick he was.

His face was close to mine when I said, "You're a very bad brother, you know that?" I was speaking softly and in whispers, "You make the person I love cry and you're not even going to console me."

"You take care of her, Jace." Alec told me faintly and I gripped onto him harder.

"I will." I assured him. "I love you, Alec."

I felt his hands on my shoulders when he said, "Likewise, Jace. Always likewise."

* * *

IZZY

Sophie was moving about when I tried to tie her hair into a ponytail. She fiddled with the gift that was just handed to her minutes ago and I looked up to see my oldest brother staring out the window.

"I heard they're going to build another building over that empty square." Alec suddenly said, pointing at something only he alone could see. His clothes hung to him like unwanted fabric and I could see what the treatments were doing to him.

"What do you think it's for?" He inquired, turning his head to look at me and I looked away as fast as I could; not that I didn't want to look at him but I didn't want him to know I was staring.

"Simon said something about a new tech company. That must be them," was all I could say as I gave Sophie's hair a soft tug and let her played with her new toy.

"Izzy," His voice was something I used to find accustomed to so why should it be any different then? "Are you alright?"

I had to look at him, I knew I had to look at him but my head wouldn't move no matter what. I placed myself near the kitchen's island, leaning against the cold surface and hugging my own self.

"I'm fine." I croaked out. "I really am. It's just…"

"What is it?" Alec came closer but he was still away from my view. I fought to keep my eyes opened as I told him, "Simon's been hinting for a son."

"Are you ready for one?"

I shook my head lightly. "I don't know."

I heard some rustlings and movements from behind me and I knew he was standing beside me without having to look. The coldness I'd always imagined accompanying Alec ever since I found out about his sickness was untraceable. His arms wound around me and I tried not to flinch at the feelings of his unsteady limbs. I indulged in his warmth.

"Is that really what's bothering you?" He asked, barely in whispers and I sensed treacherous heat coming from behind my eyes and I didn't want to cry. Not in front of Alec.

"Yes." I told him truthfully. "And also I'm worried about you."

He exhaled. "Don't be. I'm fine, Izzy."

A hard frown and his arms left me, along with the warmth that stung my skin, burnt with rage. "You don't have to lie to me. I'm not that girl anymore. I grew up."

"I know." He smiled and I wished he wouldn't, not when I was feeling furious at him. "You're a woman now, Izzy and a very good mother. Another child would only prove that you're as strong as you look."

There was no deterred in his speech, no falsely bearing judgements or make-believe sarcasms. He was still smiling all the time and I let my walls cracked.

"I won't be when you're gone." I could have sworn his smile faltered but then I couldn't see clearly as my eyes filled with restrained tears.

"Isabelle…" Alec rarely ever called me with my first name and when he did, it would pretty much be in the same kind of situation. But back then, no one's life was on the line. And I've always thought of all of us Alec would have the most pages filled for his story.

"Who gives you the right to give up when I'm still fighting?" Alec sounded angry if not offended and I wiped my tears quickly before Sophie noticed. She was still playing with Alec's present. A hand on my shoulder and I turned and keep my eyes on Alec.

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry."

I pulled him towards me and I hugged him with all my might. "I'm really sorry." I said into his chest.

"I'm sorry too." He said and his hold was weak and loose. I take my time, listening to his heart beating and inhaling his scent.

_This is how I'm going to remember you, Alec. Just like this._

"Simon should be back soon, isn't he?" He asked and I reluctantly let go of his frame. I flipped my hair back and was mildly surprised when another finger pushed my fringe behind my ears.

"Go wash your face. I'll entertain Sophie for a while." He moved away and started walking out from the kitchen. He was almost gone when I called, "Alec!"

He back-paddled a few steps before quirking his eyebrows at me. "Yeah?"

I put on a smile. "Don't strain yourself too much."

"I won't." He said and I was alone in the kitchen.

That night when Sophie was finally asleep and Alec had went back to Magnus' place, I stood near the window where Alec had been hours earlier and looked out to the dark sky.

"Iz?" Simon's voice always did something to me, something in me. And that was something I hoped would stay. One of the few things.

"I can't sleep." I told him and he was right there, standing behind me in seconds and I leaned back against him to feel him solid and real with me. He put his arm around my waist and I held his other one.

"Let me guess. You're deciding on what to wear for tomorrow." Simon tenderly muttered and I laugh a silent humour.

"You're always bad at guessing, you realized that, don't you?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I think I might have a knack or two in reading someone else's mind."

"Really?"

"Yeah." He said, sounding eager all of a sudden. "I know, for instant you have nothing on _your_ mind right now."

I was about to retort to his statement until he added under his breath,

"Except for your brother."

The moon was barely visible from the spot where I was standing, being blocked by another skyscraper and yet I could see the illumination of me and Simon being reflected on the mirror, gratitude from the night sun.

From that angle I see fragments of a young boy who used to find it so hard to look at a girl in the eyes and to form a complete sentence without making a fool out of himself. I remember exactly the way how he would stutter, courtesy of his anxiety and I would catch every second with him as an amusement.

Never had I imagined that boy, the one who grew up to be a fine and kind and honest man standing right behind me would be the one; my husband and father to my children. And more importantly, my best friend.

And that was why I didn't hesitate when I told him this,

"I'm scared, Simon."

He took a deep breath and my body moved with his inhaling as he held me with no gap separating us aside our clothes. I could feel his face in my hair and no one could make me feel any way he does.

And when millennium of bliss seemed to have passed, Simon spoke with an undertone.

"Aren't we all?" I saw him blink from our reflection and our eyes met.

"I think it is better this way. To feel scared means you're uncertain of the future." He said.

"Why do you say so?" I asked, still looking at him from the window glass.

"God gives us feelings, emotions and instincts for a reason. To be human. Otherwise we won't be here and Alec, he would've stopped fighting."

I searched for his hand but there was no need. His fingers were already waiting, opened for me to interlace with my own and I gripped them hard, feeling the strength in them to be shared by two.

"It's just that… Every time I look at Alec, no- I don't think I can look at him without breaking. He's like a different person every time he visits." I was on the verge of doing something I rarely ever do and I hate it. I don't like to cry.

"Would you like it if I ask Alec not to come by then?" Simon meant no harm when he asked it. I know he didn't but still, it pricked.

"No!" I told him in high-shushed voice, aware of Sophie and turning around to look at him properly. "How can you say that? He's my brother!" I hissed.

"Then nothing should change that." Simon whispered softly. "Not how he looks like or what he's become. He'll always be Alec."

Slowly, very slowly a smile crept up my face and I couldn't hide it from Simon. He'd noticed anyway. A smile was plastered on his own.

"Feel sleepy already?"

I blink lazily and yawned before nodding my head. "Yeah."

* * *

MAX

Alec was laughing. He was laughing too hard that his already frail frame seemed to be experiencing a massive seizure. He had his arm wrapped around his midsection and his face was scrunched with amusement.

"It's not that funny, Alec." I tried telling him but I was in a fit myself.

"Why are you still laughing then?" He asked, in between wheezes and I tried shaking of my own mirth but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"Why are _you_ still laughing?" I asked him instead.

It took us a couple of minutes to calm down and even when Alec spoke, he still had the remains of hilarity in his voice.

"It's the drugs." He pointed to the tube inserted on his arm and I saw him holding back a cough. Alec tended to do that when he was with people and I don't blame him. Some cringed at the sound of it.

"Don't." I looked at him and he knew what I meant. "Just let it out. You'll feel better."

He laughed but I could hear how it was mingled with restrained release and I tried not to feel angry.

"I've never been better, Max. You made me laugh my head off."

Alec might've not known it, he might have not even realised it but sometimes his choices of words were unsuitable seeing the state of affairs.

"Getting pranked by your roommate isn't a joke, at least for me. And you on the other hand should've thought of something better instead of laughing at me."

"I wasn't laughing _at_ you." He quickly retorted. A sucked gasp and he could hold it no more. I watched as he fought for breath he had few left and waited for him to cease.

I wonder how the day would be if he isn't here anymore.

"That just contradicts your statement." I told him emotionlessly. Alec kept on smiling. He was still heaving but he didn't look like he would explode any second so I carved a tiny smirk.

"Okay, maybe a little. But you should've known he was lying." Alec's eyebrows were quirked playfully at me.

"How should I know he wasn't really gay and why would someone joke about their sexuality?" I said exasperatedly. "I'm confused and scared, if that was what he was trying to achieve."

Alec seemed to be fighting the urge to laugh again but instead he managed to say,

"So all this while you really think he was hitting on you?"

I nodded furiously.

"And that's also the reason why you've been so willing to come back and forth to the house just so you could avoid seeing…what was his name again?"

"Nate." I said curtly. "I did tell him he wasn't my type."

This time Alec really did laugh. "You should've said you're straight, Max! And maybe find yourself a girlfriend to prove it."

"I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I like girls." I told him. "I really do but right now I just don't want them messing around with my life."

I didn't think I'd noticed it but a look of hurt crossed Alec's face as fast as it disappeared behind pale complexion and tired eyes. His cheekbones were more pronounced and his hair had lost their lives ever since he started the treatments.

"Alec, I didn't mean it that way." I amended a little too late.

"That's alright." He spoke so soft I barely saw his lips moved. "What time did you say you have to leave again?"

I looked at my watch and pretended to think. A hundred of different thoughts skimmed through my brain and all I was considering was the best way to slap myself out of blunt and guilt.

Because of all people, I knew what Alec really meant and when he really meant it. And it was alright.

"Not until 2. When is Magnus coming back?" I asked and belatedly I noticed how low Alec's eyes had drooped and how small he looked leaning back into the couch.

"I don't really remember." He slurred and I stared at the tube attached to his vein jabbed through a thin needle and in it flow the drug Catarina had just prescribed for him before she left an hour earlier.

"Are you still in pain?"

He smiled and shook his head lethargically. "Not now."

Sometimes, when Alec could barely hold it together Catarina would have to dose him with some painkillers just to get the trauma out of the way and at the same time, making sure he wasn't going to hurt anyone. Including himself.

And when some of those days came unexpected and uninvited, I was always around to keep him companied in the apartment. Catarina needed to get back to the hospital and Magnus- I never quite understood why Magnus wouldn't stay with Alec and settled his works from home.

Not that I minded. I was grateful that my schedule wasn't too packed and Alec always had a flair for good timing.

"Why are you staring?" Alec's voice pulled me out from my short reverie and I didn't know the exact moment I spaced out.

"Was I?" I inquired absentmindedly and my eyes never viewed out of his shape.

He blinked almost effortlessly. "Yeah, you were. That used to be my job."

I snorted for effect and yet it affected me wholly. These were the times I used to feel nothing and everything overall and I wonder if other people under similar circumstances would have felt the same way. It was like you're constantly filled and emptied the next second.

"Max?"

"Yeah?"

He was closed to falling under and I waited for his words that undoubtedly come with effort to fill me with his presence.

"Leave the window open, will you? When you leave." He mumbled out and the moment his eyes closed I knew there was no reaching out to him. I let out a sigh I held back insentiently and walked over to Alec.

Slowly and carefully, I pulled the needle out of his arm and placed it on the table. I gave the tiny spot where the needle was inserted a few gentle strokes and I focused on the visible blue of vessels that ran up Alec's arm. His skin was yellowish, the tinge of someone sick making known on his only source of barrier from outer invasions.

His treatments had long stopped and not once I've seen Alec complaint of the unfairness in the results. We've done everything, tried everything and all the time, Alec kept his smile solid.

I looked up to his face and some of his eyebrows were falling betraying from their rightful spot.

"I'm so proud of you, Alec." I whispered near his ears, hoping he'd hear me in his dreams, "You're a hero. Our hero."

And even when it was passed four and my class ended an hour ago did I ever let go of my gaze on Alec's sleeping form for he was as peaceful as he looked and I was satisfyingly reassured.

_That if I were capable in turning back time, I would never ask for a different brother._

* * *

Hey, Alec?

Do you remember that time when we first started to recognize each other in the park? Of course, I noticed you first but you would never admit it.

You were too busy hiding your beauty from the world you barely ever looked up. That was why when I moved closer to you, sat down right next you and asked you a question you never even realized I said your name. All you did was tried so hard not to blush in my presence and stutter at my name.

It was difficult at first, seeing you fight with yourself all the time whenever I succeeded at making you laugh or even smile. You'd bite your lips or look away from me and ever since that day, I was never more determined to force those actions out from you.

I remember telling you,

_"I think I'm starting to like spending time in this park."_

And you asked me,

_"Are you? What's to like with this particular park?"_

You asked me with no hidden meaning veiled in your tone and trust me when I tell you that I started to play things a little bit with you. Just to mess with you and witness how not once you caught on to me. I never answered you back then. Just smiled and gave you my most hypocritical expression while turning away from you when all the time, my mission coming to that park every evening I knew you would be there was to look at you.

And it was worth it.

When we fought for the very first time, you were still as gullible as you were and that just made me angrier with you. It was like you had nothing to fight for and maybe it was partially true.

I can't really recall what it was about but I still hear the words you told me in small voices like you were being crushed by an unknown force,

_"Maybe this was a mistake."_

At that moment I wanted nothing to hold and shake you into sense that things aren't always a mistake. That you are not a mistake. But instead I slammed the door and let you sleep alone in the living room. I knew a small prick in your heart must've told you to go home, to never come back and leave for good but I still wake up to see you in the morning.

I woke up with a heavy head and a constricted chest wound around what I called my skeleton and I found you in my kitchen, already awake and making breakfast.

And yet you break all chances on blaming me for the bruises under your eyes or the redness that came from lack of sleep or even the stain that was your tears with just a simple,

_"Good morning, Magnus."_

I realized that was just how things were with you; that in the end, it'll still matter but only if you want it to. And that's why that same morning I went to work like nothing happened but when I reached my office you were the first person to be dialled on my phone even when I just left you not an hour before.

I croaked out an apology and so did you. I heard the way you tried to make it like you were smiling and I didn't dare promise myself to never hurt you again.

Instead I said,

_"I'll try not to do it again."_

And you, still smiling I assumed honestly said,

_"And if you do, that'll only make us normal like anyone else."_

And every day after, I see a man growing to nothing less than the boy I loved at the age so young. I know one thing for sure; you're stronger than you think you are.

Looking back to the days after the accident, the days I forgot how much I loved you and the times you were nonexistence to my temporarily-paralyzed life, I could not understand how or what that made me lose sight of you and I blame science for it.

And the one thing I find unfair was how you keep coming back after you left. And it wasn't even the real you. Do you have any idea how I went through nights of missing you and dreaming about you when I've promised to move on and you were possibly living off well without me? No, I won't give you that torment.

But know that my world entirely crumbles when I heard what happened with you. Catarina was quite reluctant into telling me but Ragnor begged and I cried my tears of frustration (yes do not judge my capability Alexander) and she left no details out because nothing seemed to be able to contain her then.

I questioned myself, ruefully I tell you for just that one second I even considered on letting things go the way they were and I slapped myself out of augmented existence and into your life. I knew if there is one that should be valued right then it was your life. Your time was ticking and I was desperate to be with you.

Ragnor said I should have been the one to get the cancer and he didn't mean it bad. He was just being Ragnor and I inwardly agreed.

But then here I am telling you how you're stronger than you look like.

For the past months you've held on to me like I was giving you strength and when I hold your hands with mine, albeit cold and weak I still feel power flowing in your bones.

The day your hair started to fall after you began treatments was the day I realized you'll always look beautiful in my eyes. Screw me for being bias but the thought of my eyes created just to look at you were one of million things I'll keep to myself.

And when Catarina told us how the cells weren't dying anymore after the chemo and how your blood count was something to something did I ever faltered for being grateful to have known you in my life. And all the time you kept smiling and telling me how you're always so close to feeling perfectly happy.

But we know nothing's perfect in this world. Other than imperfections, traits that were misgivings often lead us astray from understanding what grateful really meant.

Alexander, you gave me a whole new definition of what acceptance really is and I remember it till the day I'm reminiscing this.

Even when I wake up after this, still feeling the empty hole you left behind the day you breathe your last and no doubt covered in my sorrowful tears will I ever disremember,

_You didn't forget because you wanted to and you came back because that's what you've always desired for. I'm glad you make it back in time, Magnus. I wouldn't want to leave without holding your hand and feeling your heart beats with mine till the very last._

_And even after I'm gone, you'll have something to remember me by._

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra note: While writing Magnus' part, some of these songs were playing and contributes to the feelings inserted (if any was felt) in the writing; It Will Rain by Bruno Mars, All I Ask by Adele and Say Something by Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera. Thanks for reading!


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